The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 20-01-2018 9:33pm

It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..

Just to ask me what time of night is.

Carlsberg does do the perfect wife.

You've just got to drink enough of it.

Capt'n Midnight · 20-01-2018 10:28pm

Theresa May has appointed a minister for loneliness.

Shouldn't there be more than one?

Also who do we complain to about there being only one Monopolies Commission ?

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 12:21am

My girlfriend whispered to me last night that she likes it rough....

So I took her to Limerick.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 12:52am

Why did the Mexican take Valium?

For Hispanic attacks.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 12:53am

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".

She says, "The bleedin' Condom!".

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 12:54am

Over the past week I've burgled nine flats in Limerick.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 1:03am

It's Motown weather

Three degrees

Four, tops

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 1:16am

When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"

It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that, it's that when I turn up the birds scatter.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 1:22am

I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines.

My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2018 1:24am

The day when Jesus was supposedly miraculously resurrected from the dead falls this year on April Fools Day....

coolhull · 21-01-2018 12:51pm

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”

MonkieSocks · 21-01-2018 7:07pm

I was shagging the woman from next door over the kitchen table, when we heard the front door opening.

That's my husband she said, "Quick try the back door".

I knew I should have left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that!!

byrner88 · 23-01-2018 1:41am

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the **** is wrong with women these days?"

Losty Dublin · 23-01-2018 1:59am

My aunt slept with Tommy Cooper once.

Nothing happened though; all he wanted to do was spoon jar jar spoon with her.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-01-2018 2:22am

Tommy Cooper when getting out of a taxi after paying for the fair would stuff something extra in the cabbies pocket and wink and say "have a drink on me"

Later on the cabbie would have a look expecting a pound note or a even a fiver and find a tea bag :pac:

NollagShona · 23-01-2018 2:22am

If you’re vegan and running a marathon, how do you decide which one to talk about first???

MonkieSocks · 23-01-2018 7:11pm

A homeless guy saw a Pretty Woman standing on the Railing of a Bridge determined to kill herself.

Immediately he saw his chance, walked up to her and asked,

"Lady, before ending your life would you consider doing me a favour and have sex with me?“

Disgusted and Crying the Woman replied "No of course not, You Pervert!“

"Fair Enough“ the homeless man replied "I‘ll Wait at the Bottom Then.“

youtube! · 23-01-2018 7:25pm

666 ... the number of the Beast!

667 ... the neighbour of the Beast.

donegal_man · 23-01-2018 8:28pm

youtube! wrote: »

666 ... the number of the Beast!

667 ... the neighbour of the Beast.

25.80698, the root of all evil

byrner88 · 24-01-2018 2:06am

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

byrner88 · 24-01-2018 2:07am

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped my face and stormed off. I'm never taking anyone wine tasting again.

donegaLroad · 24-01-2018 2:16am

Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were submitting quotes to build a new road.

Paddy Scotsman: "I'll do it for 10 million, I can get a discount on materials"

Paddy Englishman: "I'll do it for 20 million, I can guarantee quality"

Paddy Irishman: " I'll do it for 30 million, 10 million for you, 10 million for me, and we'll hire Paddy Scotsman to do the job"

24-01-2018 8:47am

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied,
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

Ubbquittious · 24-01-2018 3:09pm

I know a fella who tried to make his own rawlplugs once but he couldn't get the rawl material

Jack Kanoff · 24-01-2018 9:22pm

Ubbquittious wrote: »

I know a fella who tried to make his own rawlplugs once but he couldn't get the rawl material

Pick a window....any window... you're leaving!

:pac:

24-01-2018 9:44pm

emeldc wrote: »

I went to see the mother in law in London the other day.
She lives in Birmingham but she looks better from London.

Tommy Cooper RIP

This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?” I said no.

He said: “Good. Stick’em up.”

youtube! · 24-01-2018 10:33pm

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm a Schizophrenic

And so am I.

patmac · 24-01-2018 11:01pm

Let me give you a piece of advice.

Advi

youtube! · 25-01-2018 10:43am

So Mikey the Kerryman is up in Dublin for the very first time and he really wants to fit in so he practices and practices his very best Dublin accent in front of the mirror for weeks before he arrives in the big smoke.

Confident he has it down to a T he decides he needs some cigarettes to relax and goes into to buy them.

"Rigghh" he says to the shopkeeper, "Gis 20 bleedin major and a box of bleedin matches"

Ok says the shopkeeper, your'e from Kerry aren't you?

Mikey is crushed, How the **** did you know that?? The shopkeeper replies..

This is a butcher's shop.

chewed · 25-01-2018 5:39pm

What's the best way to think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

Losty Dublin · 27-01-2018 12:46am

Why was Snow White moaning all night?

Because she was fúcking Grumpy.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-01-2018 11:23pm

It's easy to deter ladies from consuming Tide Pods.

But, it's harder to deter gents.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-01-2018 11:37pm

A Scottish lottery winner has announced he'll buy Glasgow Rangers FC.

The man was not available for comment but his wife told reporters.. "He's over the moon and who knows what he would have done if he'd got a fourth number up"

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 12:06am

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub.

Surely one of the earliest examples of Rap...

Straight Outta Trumpton

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 12:18am

When my son was nine. He told me a girl at school was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong.

I told him that he's ready for marriage.

Throcanter · 28-01-2018 1:02am

A man walks into a pet shop, saying he wants to mate his bird. The pet shop owner asks him "what sex is the bird"

The owner replies "I don't know I never saw it with its feathers off"

thesandeman · 28-01-2018 2:05pm

#ALERT#

IKEA coffin jokes incoming.

everlast75 · 28-01-2018 4:50pm

The Swedish founder of the Ikea furniture chain, Ingvar Kamprad, has died.

May he rest in pieces

blade1 · 28-01-2018 5:09pm

everlast75 wrote: »

The Swedish founder of the Ikea furniture chain, Ingvar Kamprad, has died.

May he rest in pieces

If there'll be an open casket...
Remains to be seen.

28-01-2018 7:50pm

Will he be buried in a flatpack coffin, at least we can be sure it will NOT be "self-assembly".

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 8:49pm

Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 8:51pm

The founder of Ikea has died aged 91.

Flat pack coffins.
Allen Key.
Leftover parts.

This joke requires some assembly.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 8:52pm

The founder of Ikea has died at the age of ninety one.

Mourners are asked to assemble at the church on Friday.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 8:54pm

The founder of Ikea has died at the age of ninety one.

Which coincidentally is the number of screws you have left over when you have put one of the wardrobes together.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2018 8:56pm

Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at the age of 91.

It's not known how his vast wealth will be divided by his family, as his solicitor says he left no instructions.

sligojoek · 29-01-2018 10:27am

Did he collapse at home?

K.Flyer · 29-01-2018 12:03pm

Wardling · 29-01-2018 1:05pm

Stallone, van damme and Schwarzenegger get together to make a movie about classical composers.

Stallone says "I'll be Mozart"
Van damme says "I'll be beethoven" and Schwarzenegger says "I'll be bach"

IITYWYBMAD · 29-01-2018 3:51pm

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that the new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was a little embarrassed, and she could tell, but she said "Don't worry, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".

I said "My Wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

Capt'n Midnight · 29-01-2018 7:19pm

They're going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa. That way it'll have both the time and the inclination.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments