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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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Capt'n Midnight

Why did the old lady fall down the well??..

..because She didn't see that well. :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

Cyclops: Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: (biting lip).. I think you need 2 'i's.

Cyclops: (puts pen down)...You think my life is just a bleedin' joke do you?

Capt'n Midnight

I bought one of those cars with a voice activation system to start the engine.

It's absolutely pants as it can't understand a word I'm saying after 7 pints.

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Q:-Where does mercury come from?

A:- Hg Wells!

Capt'n Midnight

After taking my time and giving it due consideration, I've decided I'll give dry January a go.

Capt'n Midnight

I spent my whole life being proud of my Irish heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

Capt'n Midnight

My wife says her mood swings are caused by hormonal changes. I think she’s just ovary acting

Two blondes walked in to a shop wouln'd you think one of them would have seen it.

Two guards were on patrol one night they came accross two young fellows one was drinking acid from a battery and the other had fireworks. They charged one and let off the other one.

The Pope is on stage in front of a huge crowd and sitting beside him, amongst others, is one of the Kardashian sisters.
The Pope leaned towards her and says,
"Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
The Kardashian replied,
"Like, I really seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Go on, show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

The mother-in-law came round for Sunday dinner, and whilst sitting at the table she moaned...

"Why is the Dog sitting there on the Floor Staring at Me?"

I replied, "You're Using His Bowl".

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" always mean the same thing.

Well.. except at a funeral.

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has
turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient
will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a
thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the
patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't
know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the
idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree
with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the
patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very
wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad
news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient
does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the
patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I
don't know.
Could it be the jeans you are wearing.?"'

Capt'n Midnight

What do You Want do You Want Them to Say at Your Funeral?

LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

Capt'n Midnight

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. Unfortunately, things didn't go that well for the funeral directors. The trouble started when they put his left leg in....

The inventor of the USB stick has died At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.

Capt'n Midnight

The person who invented human cloning has died.

He will be attending his funeral tomorrow.

Capt'n Midnight

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days.

At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting.

Capt'n Midnight

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

blade1 wrote: »

FFS lads, stick to the scripted jokes!:pac:

Ok here we go. A man went to the doctor and when he saw that his old doctor was not on duty but a young blonde with a fabulous body he decided he would change what he was going to say so when the young female doctor asked what she could do for him he replies my wife said my pe*nis tastes awful can you help.

natashaob6 wrote: »

I supposed they had to put his left leg in and his left leg out then shake him all about to make sure he was actually dead. Unfortunately it's the best I can come up with.

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Well, that's what it's all about.

FFS lads, stick to the scripted jokes!:pac:

Buford T. Justice XIX

blade1 wrote: »

Poor Larry is now after dying more times than his left leg went in and out.

Well, that's what it's all about.

blade1 wrote: »

Poor Larry is now after dying more times than his left leg went in and out.

I supposed they had to put his left leg in and his left leg out then shake him all about to make sure he was actually dead. Unfortunately it's the best I can come up with.

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. Unfortunately, things didn't go that well for the funeral directors. The trouble started when they put his left leg in....

Poor Larry is now after dying more times than his left leg went in and out.

A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife.
He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf.
The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club.
After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links.
The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well.
After the sixth hole, they catch up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish the seventh before they can play it.
A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the water.
His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway.
The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to the water to find his ball.
He can’t believe his eyes.
To the golf pro, he blurts out, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
The pro answers, “He is Jesus Christ.
He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

Salvation Tambourine

Wardling wrote: »

Stallone, van damme and Schwarzenegger get together to make a movie about classical composers.

Stallone says "I'll be Mozart"
Van damme says "I'll be beethoven" and Schwarzenegger says "I'll be bach"

I came up with a very similar joke many years ago...no one ever appreciated it.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. Unfortunately, things didn't go that well for the funeral directors. The trouble started when they put his left leg in....

Capt'n Midnight

Just wondering what would happen if you get Stephen Hawking's wheelchair up to 88 miles an hour...

Capt'n Midnight

Ikea founder, Ingvar Kamprad, may have died in suspicious circumstances.

Police are working hard trying to piece it all together.

Capt'n Midnight

My Dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

Good man, terrible mechanic.

Capt'n Midnight

They're going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa. That way it'll have both the time and the inclination.

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that the new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was a little embarrassed, and she could tell, but she said "Don't worry, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".

I said "My Wife thinks my dick tastes funny".