The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

After years in and out of prison, I've now settled down with a job repairing bent archery equipment.


Yep, I'm on the straighten arrow............

JimmyMcGill

Hector Savage wrote: »

Awful.
just awful.

I loved it. Imagine a baby eating a Mars Bar!

emeldc

A man answers his front door and there’s a Guard standing there holding a photo.
'Is this your wife sir' says the Guard.
Shocked, the man says, 'yes it is'.
Guard says, 'I’m afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus'.
'Yea I know' says the man, 'but she takes it up the ar$e and she's good with the kids'.

GBX

Scared the fook outta the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

lukesmom

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?.......... In case they get a hole in one

NickNickleby

lukesmom wrote: »

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?.......... In case they get a hole in one

why is lukesMOM telling a DAD joke????

evolving_doors

NickNickleby wrote: »

why is lukesMOM telling a DAD joke????

Cos lukesDAD was busy with your mom :pac:.

Capt'n Midnight

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.


You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

Wombatman

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You neek up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. You neek up on it.

New Home

What's a pirate's favourite kind of sock?





























Aaaaaarrrrrrgyle.

foxy farmer

An academic in literature was finding it hard to get work in his chosen field. In the finish and desperately in need of money he heard that a local building firm was looking for workers on a nearby site.
He called into the site office to make enquiries. A foreman met him and asked a few general questions.
"How familiar are you with the different elements of a building?"
"Not great Im afraid"
"Would you know the difference between a joist and a girder?"
"Oh that's easy" he replies.
"Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"

Wombatman

Wombatman wrote: »

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You neek up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. You neek up on it.

How do you kill a Chinese wabbit?

Thwow a wok at it.

bonzodog2

Deleted User wrote: »

How do you kill a Chinese wabbit?

Thwow a wok at it.

Thats if you can't get it with your wifle

Suckit

My brother just threw a milk carton at me.




















..
.
.
How Dairy.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy is upstairs with the wife a knock comes to the door paddy says to his will you go down and answer that? The wife answers the door in her night gown and It's Jimmy their next door neighbour. Jimmy says to the wife I'll give you two hundred euro if you drop your night gown. With she drops the night gown. Jimmy gives her the two hundred euro and when she goes back upstairs the husband asks who was that she replies it was Jimmy. The husband says I hop he gave you the two hundred euro he owes me.

Loafing Oaf

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

© The Two Ronnies (well one of them anyway)

Buford T. Justice XIX

Suckit wrote: »

My brother just threw a milk carton at me.




















..
.
.
How Dairy.

I don't know how long omletting you guys away with food jokes....

Roger_007

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

I don't know how long omletting you guys away with food jokes....

Absolutely agree.......an oeuf is an oeuf.:D

Buford T. Justice XIX

Roger_007 wrote: »

Absolutely agree.......an oeuf is an oeuf.:D

Eggsactly!

gramar

Two fellas are going out for a few pints but have hardly any cash. One of them comes up with the idea of putting a sausage in his fly and
the other other pretending to suck him off when it was time to pay thinking the bartender would kick them out. Sure enough in each bar they try it in the bartender kicks them out before they've paid. Half cut on the street one said to the other 'great plan, I can't believe it's working so well'...' neither can I'..says the other ' especially since I lost the sausage 3 or 4 pubs back'.

flutered

teacher is telling class the story of robin hood, when she finishes she starts asking them questions on the story, who was robin hoods girl friend she asks, mary quickly says maid marion, teacher said this is correct, little jonny claims they are liars, why are we said the teacher, well said jonny had you not us singing a song which went like this, robin hood, robin hood, ridin trudy glenn

A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

Roger_007

Roger_007 wrote: »

Absolutely agree.......an oeuf is an oeuf.:D

Stop egging him on:rolleyes:

:P

thesandeman

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Stop egging him on:rolleyes:

:P

Oh Cheeses, will ye stop!!

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

thesandeman wrote: »

Oh Cheeses, will ye stop!!

You'd butter stop before this gets stupid.

Capt'n Midnight

Yeah, an ubh is an ubh.

MonkieSocks

Menopausal women are hot!




Then they are cold




Then they are hot again




Then they wake you up at 4am because they can't sleep

gramar

A student has sex with his french teacher and goes home and tells his dad. His dad says 'that's my boy, a chip off the old block, you know that bicycle you have always wanted? lets go down to the shop and get it for you'. On the way back the lad was riding the bike. His dad told him he didn't have to stand up on the peddles. The lad said 'I know that dad, but my arse is still sore.'

patmac

A man walked into the doctor's office.

He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril.

He asks the doctor, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at the guy and says, "Well, you're not eating properly."

Ipso

Deleted User wrote: »

A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

Did you hear about the blind mohel? he got the sack.