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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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youtube!

666 ... the number of the Beast!

667 ... the neighbour of the Beast.

MonkieSocks

A homeless guy saw a Pretty Woman standing on the Railing of a Bridge determined to kill herself.

Immediately he saw his chance, walked up to her and asked,

"Lady, before ending your life would you consider doing me a favour and have sex with me?“

Disgusted and Crying the Woman replied "No of course not, You Pervert!“

"Fair Enough“ the homeless man replied "I‘ll Wait at the Bottom Then.“

NollagShona

If you’re vegan and running a marathon, how do you decide which one to talk about first???

Capt'n Midnight

Tommy Cooper when getting out of a taxi after paying for the fair would stuff something extra in the cabbies pocket and wink and say "have a drink on me"

Later on the cabbie would have a look expecting a pound note or a even a fiver and find a tea bag :pac:

Losty Dublin

My aunt slept with Tommy Cooper once.

Nothing happened though; all he wanted to do was spoon jar jar spoon with her.

byrner88

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the **** is wrong with women these days?"

MonkieSocks

I was shagging the woman from next door over the kitchen table, when we heard the front door opening.

That's my husband she said, "Quick try the back door".

I knew I should have left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that!!

coolhull

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”

Capt'n Midnight

The day when Jesus was supposedly miraculously resurrected from the dead falls this year on April Fools Day....

Capt'n Midnight

I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines.

My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.

Capt'n Midnight

When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"

It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that, it's that when I turn up the birds scatter.

Capt'n Midnight

It's Motown weather

Three degrees

Four, tops

Capt'n Midnight

Over the past week I've burgled nine flats in Limerick.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

Capt'n Midnight

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".

She says, "The bleedin' Condom!".

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the Mexican take Valium?

For Hispanic attacks.

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend whispered to me last night that she likes it rough....

So I took her to Limerick.

Capt'n Midnight

Theresa May has appointed a minister for loneliness.

Shouldn't there be more than one?

Also who do we complain to about there being only one Monopolies Commission ?

Capt'n Midnight

It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..

Just to ask me what time of night is.

Carlsberg does do the perfect wife.

You've just got to drink enough of it.

K.Flyer

Jimmy walks into a bar in downtown New York and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, back to the first one, then to the second etc until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "I know you like your beers cold, so why don't you start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. See, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two.
He drinks them in the same way and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man looks up and says,
"Oh, my brothers, no they're both fine -- I just promised my wife I'd quit drinking, it's just they haven't"

[Deleted User]

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”
Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”

MonkieSocks

An Insect Flew into the Kitchen earlier did a few Laps and then Blew up.

I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs

emeldc

I went to see the mother in law in London the other day.
She lives in Birmingham but she looks better from London.

Tommy Cooper RIP

Capt'n Midnight

I met a girl from Limerick online and she has stolen my heart. Amongst other things.

Capt'n Midnight

My Wife is a real good looker.

No matter where I hide my money, she always finds it.

Miss Demeanour

A woman goes to learn how to golf.
The instructor says to treat the club just like she would usually treat a penis.....use the same technique...

She does and it is a very good shot......
Well done the instructor says but I think we can improve it a little.....
Now he says....
"take the club out of your mouth......"

munster87

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

Losty Dublin

A Tesco burger walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says "why the long face?"

lmimmfn

patmac wrote: »

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

I must be other one :P

Capt'n Midnight

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were
madly,deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an
idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in
tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed. "He claims you
are a mere crab and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class
of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry
someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered and scuttled sideways away into the darkness and
began to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters
came from far and wide, dancing and merry making But the Lobster
Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's
side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab
strode in! The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess
gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the
Floor....and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but
FORWARDS!!!! One crab claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until
he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.

Finally, Declan spoke.......

"Jaysus, I'm locked"

7 Seconds...

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"