The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

New Home

Those sound like Bill Bailey's material!

JimmyMcGill

Woman goes to her local GP to discuss having rid of her unwanted baby.
"Go home" says the doctor, " shove an apple an orange and a Mars bar up your fanny for five days and come see me".
Feeling a bit perplexed the woman decides anything is better than crossing the water so off home she goes and follows orders for five days.
She returns to her doctor.
"Well" he says " any movement?". When she replies no he tells her to repeat the procedure that evening except to drop the Mars bar and come see him again the following day.
She returns the following day looking immensely happier as the doctor asks "Well, any movement?"
"Doctor, I did exactly as you said. First I shoved up the apple, then the orange but no Mars bar. I waited and waited for an age."
"And?"
"Well then the little bastard jumped out shouting 'Where's me fùcking Mars bar??'"

New Home

New Home wrote: »

Those sound like Bill Bailey's material!

3 different comedians actually- none of them Bill Bailey. Maybe I should include a reference to the comedian in my posts in future.

New Home

Deleted User wrote: »

3 different comedians actually- none of them Bill Bailey. Maybe I should include a reference to the comedian in my posts in future.

Ah no, don't worry, it just sounded like something he might have said. Especially after that episode of Black Books where he's taking his morning bath while making toast and having breakfast.

*************

A giant ape invented a new score-keeping system for table tennis using a doorbell. He called it King Kong's Ping Pong's Ding Dong.

MonkieSocks

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...
and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.


"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,
and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.


"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).



"Well, go and have a look what I left in the garage !"...she said.

TheBody

Did you see that scientists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab?

The results speak for themselves!

nuac

Syphonax wrote: »

Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

true story

Really ancient story

MonkieSocks

MonkieSocks wrote: »

"Well, go and have a look what I left in the garage !"...she said.

It took me a minute there.:p

On similar lines:

Wife crashes brand new car- complete right off but wife uninjured.

Comes homes to husband: "Darling, do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Husband: Good news first please

Wife: The air bags on our new car work great.

branie2

Teacher: Who shot JFK?

Student: I don;t rat on nobody

chewed

It’s hard to find a funny chemistry joke any more.

All the best Argon.

Hector Savage

JimmyMcGill wrote: »

Woman goes to her local GP to discuss having rid of her unwanted baby.
"Go home" says the doctor, " shove an apple an orange and a Mars bar up your fanny for five days and come see me".
Feeling a bit perplexed the woman decides anything is better than crossing the water so off home she goes and follows orders for five days.
She returns to her doctor.
"Well" he says " any movement?". When she replies no he tells her to repeat the procedure that evening except to drop the Mars bar and come see him again the following day.
She returns the following day looking immensely happier as the doctor asks "Well, any movement?"
"Doctor, I did exactly as you said. First I shoved up the apple, then the orange but no Mars bar. I waited and waited for an age."
"And?"
"Well then the little bastard jumped out shouting 'Where's me fùcking Mars bar??'"

Awful.
just awful.

branie2

Have you heard about the film about the tractor?

You must have seen the trailer for it.

kev_s88

branie2 wrote: »

Have you heard about the film about the tractor?

You must have seen the trailer for it.

or the one about the farmer who won the Nobel Prize??

He was a man outstanding in his own field

branie2

Did you hear about the Kerry secretary who turned up to work every day in a bikini?
She heard she was working in the typist pool

TheBody

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.
The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but I'm not ready for competition yet'

TheBody

I’ve developed a taste for fabric conditioner.

My doctor says I’m fine, I’ve just been comfort eating.

kev_s88

kev_s88 wrote: »

or the one about the farmer who won the Nobel Prize??

He was a man outstanding in his own field

I prefer the scarecrow version. :P

or the one about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize??

He was outstanding in his own field

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin says “It’s getting hot in here”
The other muffin says “Aaaargh, a talking muffin!”

MonkieSocks

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,





"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

Wombatman

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Hell if I know.

chewed

Q. Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

A. Tequila

lawred2

chewed wrote: »

Q. Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

A. Tequila

booooooooooooooooooo

Paddy Cow

Deleted User wrote: »

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin says “It’s getting hot in here”
The other muffin says “Aaaargh, a talking muffin!”

That reminds me of a joke doing the rounds during the time of mad cow disease.

Two cows are talking in a field. One says to the other "are you worried about getting mad cow disease?". The other one says "doesn't bother me, I'm a horse".

Paddy Cow

What do you call an intelligent blond?

A labrador.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

chewed wrote: »

Q. Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

A. Tequila

Oh that one hurt.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Paddy Cow wrote: »

What do you call an intelligent blond?

A labrador.

I think you meant blonde.

bonzodog2

Alonso Mushy Dancer wrote: »

Oh that oneJuan hurt.

Paddy Cow

Alonso Mushy Dancer wrote: »

I think you meant blonde.

When used as a noun, blond refers to males and blonde to females. If used as an adjective then blond is used and refers to both male and females :P

everlast75

Looks like it is heading for Seville war in Spain..

Erik Shin

everlast75 wrote: »

Looks like it is heading for Seville war in Spain..

Orange you glad we don't live in Spain now!