Why is not wanting children still a bit of a taboo?

Is it still a taboo? I'm the only one of my friends with children, we are all in our 30's. No one outside of their mothers have ever made a thing of it. I suppose it's one thing to be upset for someone who can't have children, I know quite a few people like this and its really hard for them. It's different if someone has made a choice to be child free, why feel sorry or sad for someone living their life the way they want. I don't personally see the attraction long term but they probably think my life looks like hell too I think those who make a big deal of it probably feel you're looking down on them in some ways and that does happen but it goes both ways, I've had snide comments made to me about being a 'breeder' (horrible word) or how my life is over but you just gotta ignore it. I find the ones who comment are just pass remarkable by nature and will always find something to focus on.

TG1 wrote: »

I'm not talking about my parents or relatives, but my friends, who are the same age. Most of them were really upset on my behalf, and kept saying things like I know you're only trying to be strong, and you never know in a few years this might be a problem. One even went as far as to tell me that of course I'm upset, as every woman wants the chance to give birth as nature intended!!

I was a bit horrified by how much this small insignificant side effect upset my friends who I previously thought were pretty modern, rational people! Is it just my circle of friends who have not moved past the idea that everyone must have children or has anyone else encountered this attitude?

I think there's more going on with some of your friends there OP tbh, especially when one of them would say something like that to you. I can't possibly see how a comment like that would be thinking about anyone but themselves.

Having said that though, no, I don't think there's any particular taboo about choosing not to have children. It's simply a case of most people have expectations and milestones set for themselves, and having a career, house and children are the basic milestones (remember when choosing not to get married was unheard of?).

The decision not to have children is for other people an odd one to get their heads around because they feel it's a milestone for them, so they expect it to be a milestone for everyone else, and if you're "foregoing" milestones, that tends to put other peoples noses out of joint!

I've encountered that attitude plenty OP, for numerous reasons.

My husband-to-be and I are childfree by choice.

I've got two different experiences with mothers:

1. My SIL, 3 kids. She loves them and is an amazing mother. She even wants 2 more!! But she has no problem accepting that I don't want them. She has no problem telling me how relieved she is when they go off to granny and she gets time to herself. She admits that sometimes it's boring and they melt your brain and she loves getting away to work for a few days a week. She talks about how gross they are and what having them has done to her body.

2. My oldest friend. 2 kids. Cannot accept that I don't want kids. Says that I'd be much happier (i'm super happy already!). She's obsessed with them. She can't even afford santa presents for them and her and her husband have to live with a family member. But according to her I'd be much happier if I had kids like her.

It makes no sense to me. But then maybe it makes no sense to her that I don't want them. But how do you account for 2 totally different attitudes from people essentially the same age.

What really annoys me is these type of things:
You don't know true love until you have a child.
You're not an 'real' grown up until you've had a child.
You're not a real woman if you don't have a child.

Or the idea that childfree people hate kids. I teach kids from age 4-19 so I don't hate them! I just don't want any. They are bloody hard work for one thing! :pac:

My OH has had to be really firm with his family because they kept saying he doesn't know about life until he has kids. I mean, how rude is that!?! :mad:

My family know that I've never wanted kids for as long as I've been aware that it's a choice and it doesn't just happen when you get married!!

Hopefully, the OH will have a vasectomy before the years end!

People will always be ignorant of people who choose something slightly different from the norm. Also, maybe a lot of people don't think it's a choice, maybe they think it's 'what you do'.

DINKs forever!!!!

I have two children and was the first of my friends to have one, never mind two. I can completely see why people don't want children. I love mine (obviously) but I'm not a particularly 'mumsy' type and I never thought other people's kids were amazing.

I had both of mine by c section, first time 100% for medical reasons, I couldn't even go into labour, second time was about 50% my choice-50% medical reasons. Someone asked me if I had my baby myself or had a section! Really strange attitude.

Children can be a royal pain and they can really restrict your choices in life, like travel and work. You should only have them if you want to have them and you're happy to give up some of your freedom. Having children has moved me from a moderate pro-choice position to what some might call a militant pro-choice stance. I hated pregnancy and I have put my body through a lot to have my children, years of breastfeeding too. Women should only have to go through all that if they choose to do so, and no one else gets to have a say.

People will always have comments.

When you're single, they ask have you met anyone.
When you meet someone, they ask when you're getting engaged/moving in together/married/buying a home.
When you get married, they ask when you're going to start a family (as though you're not a family already!).
When you have one child, they ask when you'll 'give' him/her a sibling.
If you have another one of the same gender, they'll ask if you'll 'go' for the boy/girl.

I was asked about three weeks after having my second if we'll 'go again' . And this person has asked several times, as have other people. Some people just have to know your business, even when you don't want them to.

seamus wrote: »

I also think that many people become defensive when you do things differently. If they find out you don't want to get married, or you don't want a steady 9-5 job or you don't eat meat, they instantly seek to defend their decision to do these things, assuming that you're judging them.

Bingo. We get this a lot about some of our choices, like not having a church wedding, not having the children baptised (a lot of heat about this from other parents, most of whom tell us they only did it to appease grannies and to get into schools) and extended breastfeeding (I get a lot of questions about why I'm still feeding my two and a half year old) as well as other parenting things.

I also had a friend (not a friend any more) who really went out of her way to question why I wanted to get married and have children, and when I was pregnant made a whole load of passive agressive remarks about how restricted I was and how her life was better without children.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

So the love between a parent and a child is 'true love' and superior to all others?

It's a different kind of love to be sure as is the love for parents, nephews, siblings, and so on. But what makes it superior than these other kinds of love?

Also, plenty of parents don't love their children and plenty of children don't love their parents. That 'shift in focus' doesn't happen for everyone.

I do believe I addressed all of these points in my post by deliberately avoiding being absolutist about it.
I also don't think I ever used the word "superior". In many ways it can be a curse.

To a certain extent you do have to accept that someone having had an experience, by implication is likely to be a little wiser in relation to that experience than you are. People with children know what it's like to both have and not have children. So if they say, "You don't know because you don't have kids", they're right. And your response should be, "I'm happy not knowing, thanks".

Of course that doesn't make them any more worldly-wise or knowledgeable in general, nor does it give them authority to tell another person what's best. Which, again, is something a lot of people struggle with.

seamus wrote: »

I also don't think I ever used the word "superior". In many ways it can be a curse.

The post that you quoted and said you agreed with said 'you don't know true love...' That implies that other kinds of love are inferior.