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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 93 Brian_Dart
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    Whats red and bad for your teeth?
    Spoiler
    A Brick


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 615 donalh087
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    chughes wrote: »
    What I heard that one many years ago the question was, who was the heaviest person ever to ride a Derby winner?


    Or, Who was the first black man to ride a Derby winner?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44,079 Micky Dolenz
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    donalh087 wrote: »
    Or, Who was the first black man to ride a Derby winner?


    Oliver Lewis.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
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    ^^^^^^^^

    who's oliver lewis?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,803 blade1
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    fryup wrote: »
    ^^^^^^^^

    who's oliver lewis?

    The first black man to ride a derby winner!!


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 127 Buzz Meeks
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    What was Oliver Lewis doing in Lester Piggot's cell?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,628 Señor Fancy Pants
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    Buzz Meeks wrote: »
    What was Oliver Lewis doing in Lester Piggot's cell?

    Riding him


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,803 blade1
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    Buzz Meeks wrote: »
    What was Oliver Lewis doing in Lester Piggot's cell?

    5 to 9!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,179 fr336
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    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,179 fr336
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    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,340 deco nate
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    So ****e you had to post it twice!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,179 fr336
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    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,179 fr336
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    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 Benteke
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    chap that was waking up after an operation and saw the surgeon by his bed.

    "Oh doctor how did it go?"

    "Well Mister Smith so good news and some bad, What do you want first?"

    "Give me the bad news"

    "I regret I have had to amputate you both legs off below the knee."

    " Oh my god so what is the good news?"

    " Mister Jones in the next t bed wants to buy your slippers."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 macker20493


    What do you call a Chinese women with no legs??


    Dragon lips.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 93 Brian_Dart
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    A School teacher asked the kids in class to tell her a short story with the word Contagious in it.

    The first kid said: My Mum said that the Measles is contagious.
    Teacher: Well done Timmy.
    Next kid: My Dad said that the Mumps are contagious.
    Teacher: Well done Seany.
    Next kid: My Dad said that our neighbour was painting their house outside...
    Teacher: Yes Johnny, go on...
    Johnny: Well Dad said that my neighbour was using a small roller brush...
    Teacher: Go on Johnny...
    Johnny: Well Dad said that it will take the contagious!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 Curly Judge
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    Luigi, a very elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano Italy, went to the local church for confession.

    When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
    "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven"

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest.

    "Should I tell her the war is over?''


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 MonkieSocks
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    I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.

    The owner of the shop said, "what do you do for a riving?"

    I said, "what do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."

    So the Chinese chap says, "go on then, change colour."

    I said, "no! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."

    So then he says, "tell me a joke, make me raff."

    I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"

    Just then his Pan caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"

    And he said, "who der?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 CarrickMcJoe
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    Guy wakes up.after operation and frantically shouts, "Doctor, I cant feel my legs, I cant feel my legs"!!

    Doctor says ,"I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms!"


  • Posts: 31,896 [Deleted User]
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    While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

    To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

    'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

    I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

    The cop stammered, 'A what?

    A rectum stretcher?

    And just what does a rectum stretcher do?

    'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

    'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole? ' he asked.

    'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

    Traffic Ticket - €95.00
    Court Costs - €45.00

    Look on the Cop's Face........ ........PRICELESS


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  • Posts: 31,896 [Deleted User]
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    MY PRIVATE PART DIED

    An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
    One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
    Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
    'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
    'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
    Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
    'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
    The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.
    He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
    Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'
    'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
    'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'
    (You've gotta love this.)
    'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,383 Miss Demeanour
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    New doctor reviews 89 year old patients notes and says.... "I notice you have been on birth control pills for a few years and to be quite honest I dont believe you need them!"
    She replies "they help me sleep"
    He says "they have no proven sleep enducing help whatsover!"
    She replies unblinkingly "crushed into my 17 year old granddaughters cornflakes each morn........I sleep like a log!!!!!!!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 MonkieSocks
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    I masturbated over an ex-girlfriend last night...............I know its wrong :(






















    But I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 rolliepoley
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    A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
    He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
    She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 423 wesleysniper38
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    A sexy brunette approached me at a niteclub last night.

    "Wanna buy me a few drinks" she said.

    "Of course!" I replied and shot straight to the bar..

    After she drank 4 Brandy and Baileys in 15 minutes I said to her:

    "I bet you're the type of girl who uses men to buy you drink and give nothing in return"
    "Ha Ha you've figured me out, now I've gotta go.." she said with a smirk.

    "Ah Ah not this time" I said .....
    Spoiler
    As I waved an empty Rohypnol packet in her face


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44,079 Micky Dolenz
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    I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary use of spoiler tags or a lame rape "joke".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 MonkieSocks
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    The Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the nuns........


    "We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent"

    A very old nun at the back replied..


    "I hope its better than that Chardonnay we had last week"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Posts: 31,896 [Deleted User]
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    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

    The daughter said to her mother,
    'My hands are freezing cold.'

    The mother replied,
    'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

    The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

    The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
    'My hands are freezing cold.'

    The girl replied ,
    'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

    He did and warmed his hands.

    The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

    He said,
    'My nose is cold.'

    The girl replied
    'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

    He did and warmed his nose.

    The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
    'My penis is frozen solid...'


    The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
    And she asks,
    ' Have you ever heard of a penis?'

    Concerned the mother said,
    'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

    The daughter replies,
    'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 Curly Judge
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    A friend hosted a dinner party for family and everyone was encouraged to
    bring all their children as well.
    All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at her uncle
    sitting across from her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
    The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but
    nothing stopped her from staring at him.
    He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
    He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
    Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
    quiet for her response.
    The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 423 wesleysniper38
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    I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary use of spoiler tags or a lame rape "joke".

    Who mentioned rape ?
    Spoiler
    You twisted fcuk


This discussion has been closed.
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