The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

What's the best thing for getting chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. .

"I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."


"Well, I have," I corrected her.

"You see, I was playing in this golf match once for my club in the County finals.
I was playing in the final crucial group and all of the supporters were watching and following my match.
That felt really good - better than now."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred.

"OK" I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have.


In that match, I was standing in the fairway 100 yards out all square on the final hole, We were 1/2 a point down in the match, and A win would secure the trophy.

I hit a pitching wedge to 2 feet.
A fantastic shot all over the flag.
The supporters went berserk..!
I was floating down the fairway, I felt so good.
Having a Putt to win the match, the final and be the toast of the team... That felt better than now..."



"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet... Heaven!!!

She turned to me and said softly... "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a cnut?"








I certainly have" I answered,












"I missed the Putt..."

3rdDegree wrote: »

Reminds me of a very old, tasteless joke:

Q. Why does Natalie Wood not like to shower?
A. She prefers to wash up on the shore!

Q. What type of timber doesn't float?








A. Natalie Wood

There were two fish in a tank and one said to the other, "how the hell do you drive this thing anyway?"

Badda bum :-)

Pig: Doc, Im getting paranoid, I keep thinking people want to make bacon out of me

Psychiatrist: I think I can cure you

Pig: Oh not you as f**ing well!

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man are all waiting their fate on death row.

The Scottish man was asked if he would prefer the guillotine, electric chair or gas chamber.

He chose the guillotine however it stopped an inch from his head so they said he was free to go.

They asked the Irish man the same question and he chose the guillotine. Again it stopped an inch from his head, they said he was free to go.

The English man was asked the same question and he replied that he would prefer the electric chair as the guillotine didn't seem to be working.

I bumped into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years yesterday. I told him I was arranging a night out with the boys on Facebook.

He said, "I'm not on Facebook, so keep me updated by text."

So later on, I sent him a text that said: "My brother-in-law is at a gig, my cousin loves cheese on toast, and a girl I went to school with has bought a cat."

fryup wrote: »

pls dissect

I presume they knew from the sound of the fart that is was somebody who wasn't already after getting it up the ass.
So that person would be favourite to get it that night and the rest of them would be safe hence the cheer!

A bloke walks into a pub in Newcastle with his dog and orders a pint.

The landlord says you can't bring that Dog in here sir.

Bloke: please he loves to watch the Toon play.

Landlord: no way can he come in here sir, I will lose my licence

Bloke: please mate we have tried all the boozers round here, go on let him watch he'll be quiet as a mouse

Landlord: ok but any noise or trouble from him and he's out, oh and sits in the corner so nobody sees.

Bloke: cheers mate i promise he'll be no bother.

The pub fills and the match starts, 20 minutes into the game and Newcastle score!

The dog goes fookin mental jumps onto the bar does three back flips the dances on his hind legs.

Landlord: that’s fantastic that is, does he do that every time Newcastle scores?

Bloke: aye

Landlord: fookin hell what does he does if they win?







Bloke: I don’t know I only had him 6 months

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Arcade security guard comes out of his hut and unplugs the horse.

Who rode the winner of the Epson Derby and never sat on a horse in his live

Lester Piggots cellmate

chughes wrote: »

What I heard that one many years ago the question was, who was the heaviest person ever to ride a Derby winner?

Or "who rode a derby winner three times in one weekend?":D