The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

5live · 06-12-2013 09:14AM

jimgoose wrote: »

With the December now of course there's a lot of talk about Santy Claus again. I wouldn't have that fella around the place at all, at all. He sneaks into children's rooms in the middle of the night and empties his sack.

Why does Santa have no kids?

He only comes once a year and, when he does, its down a chimney.

Hitchens · 06-12-2013 12:32PM

If a ghost went out in the fog would it be mist?

tayto lover · 06-12-2013 07:27PM

Did someone open the crackers already?

EoghanIRL · 06-12-2013 11:02PM

tayto lover wrote: »

Did someone open the crackers already?

Is that the best joke you've ever heard ?

Healy Rae Permit Holder · 06-12-2013 11:32PM

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

CarrickMcJoe · 07-12-2013 09:23PM

Just bought a Man Utd light for the sitting room.

It looks great sitting in the middle of the table....

Healy Rae Permit Holder · 07-12-2013 11:04PM

Elton John goes to a tattoo shop. I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock. The tattooist says better make it a Land Rover the amount of shiit it goes through

rolliepoley · 09-12-2013 12:34AM

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

rolliepoley · 09-12-2013 12:39AM

A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”

The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”

The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”

The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”

BeerFear · 09-12-2013 01:03AM

I've had enough of Christmas already. Every year I work my finger to the bone to earn enough money to buy the kids expensive presents and what happens? The fat-f u cker with the beard gets all the credit. Still, it's my own stupid fault for marrying her.

EoghanIRL · 09-12-2013 01:10AM

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Fergus_Nash · 09-12-2013 01:25AM

A Cavan man wants to go on holidays and being stingy as they are, he asks the Travel Agent for the cheapest place to go. A few clicks later and the Cavan man is packing his bags for Malaga.
As he leaves his hostel the first morning (note it's a hostel, not a hotel), he asks the manager for the cheapest place to eat. "Ah Senor, go down to the Ring."
So the Cavan man goes down and asks the waiter for the cheapest dish on offer, "ah Senor, I'll get you Cajones del Toro." Out comes a plate of big, juicy, meaty pieces. So good, he returns on Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday.
But on Thursday the pieces are not nearly as big, and the Cavan man complains. The waiter replies "unfortunately Senor, sometimes the Matador isn't so lucky."

Healy Rae Permit Holder · 09-12-2013 07:22PM

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair, and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor, when a door opened and, Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched,

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag, and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner, near the TV lounge, on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out, in front of her, and shouted,

"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathaliser again!"

jimgoose · 10-12-2013 09:26AM

I've just seen a huge crowd of dyslexic Africans leaving bunches of flowers outside a big garage here in Cork. Apparently it's the Nissan Maindealers.

rolliepoley · 10-12-2013 11:29PM

I was watching some porn last night and there was my sister getting it from three guys.

I was so embarrassed that I didn't know whether to switch it off or carry on ****.

rolliepoley · 11-12-2013 01:27AM

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt ****ty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.
He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."

FanadMan · 11-12-2013 03:32AM

rolliepoley wrote: »

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt ****ty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.
He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."

BAH HUMBU......oh wait, praise rolliepoley

Kerry Gooner · 11-12-2013 11:54AM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

patmac · 11-12-2013 12:04PM

Vodka Christmas Cake

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

5live · 11-12-2013 12:15PM

patmac wrote: »

Vodka Christmas Cake

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

Hic, i'll drink to that...

Hitchens · 11-12-2013 04:56PM

What's the difference between a friend & a best friend?

A friend will arrive and bail you out of jail, ...........a best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying; "We fúcked up, buddy"!

11-12-2013 08:00PM

Hitchens wrote: »

What's the difference between a friend & a best friend?

A friend will arrive and bail you out of jail, ...........a best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying; "We fúcked up That was one hell of a night, buddy"!

fyp

rolliepoley · 12-12-2013 12:00AM

Murphy was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

A month later Murphy returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"Certainly," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said Murphy, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

rolliepoley · 12-12-2013 12:38AM

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

3rdDegree · 12-12-2013 12:50PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

This is my father's favourite joke of all time. I worry about that man. His second favourite is :

Q. What makes more noise than a pig under a gate?
A. Two pigs under a gate.

See? I have good reason to worry!

3rdDegree · 12-12-2013 12:51PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

This is my father's favourite joke of all time. I worry about that man. His second favourite is :

Q. What makes more noise than a pig under a gate?
A. Two pigs under a gate.

See? I have good reason to worry!

Yellow121 · 12-12-2013 12:54PM

Enda Kenny.

3rdDegree · 12-12-2013 01:59PM

A fellow is walking through the jungle and comes across a very small man standing beside a dead elephant. He is impressed by the sheer size of the elephant compared with that of the man and asks “Did you kill that elephant?”.
“I sure did” comes the reply.
“How did you it?”.
“I killed it with my club”.
“My God”, says the traveler, “it must be a very big club!”.
“Yeah, there’s about three hundred of us in it”.

rolliepoley · 12-12-2013 08:16PM

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny.

CarrickMcJoe · 12-12-2013 08:52PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny.

Getting to the bottom of the barrel rollie, Russ Abbott 1980

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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