Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1…150151153155156…327

Comments

  • #4562
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."


  • #4563
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

    Well hung.


  • #4564
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
    needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
    gas with the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
    and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


  • #4565
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
    young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
    At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
    Later the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
    The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
    And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."


  • #4566
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    A 106 year old man walks into the doctors and says 'I want a full check up, Doc, I've met an 18 year old woman online and I'm going to her house this evening for a no strings sex session'.
    '18!' said the doctor shocked. 'At your age that could prove fatal!'
    'Well...' said the man shrugging his shoulders 'If she dies, she dies'


  • Advertisement
  • #4567
    corktina
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,733 ✭✭✭✭corktina


    the purple tin wrote: »
    A 106 year old man walks into the doctors and says 'I want a full check up, Doc, I've met an 18 year old woman online and I'm going to her house this evening for a no strings sex session'.
    '18!' said the doctor shocked. 'At your age that could prove fatal!'
    'Well...' said the man shrugging his shoulders 'If she dies, she dies'

    is that the same guy whose new girlfriend had a bad heart, and he told her to lie on her side and he'd try and miss it?


  • #4568
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    How do you get an Essex girl up onto a roof?

    Tell her the drinks are on the house.


  • #4569
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Hagar the Nice. wrote: »
    How do you get an Essex girl up onto a roof?

    Tell her the drinks are on the house.

    Sweet Jesus!


  • #4570
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    A man and woman are having sex in her bedroom when they hear the front door slam, 'oh ****!, it's my husband! he's come home early' said the woman.
    'Quick get in the wardrobe' she said pushing him in as he frantically gathered his clothes, 'I'll get him out of the room and then you can go out the window!'
    The man is getting dressed in the darkness of the wardrobe and listening to the woman chatting to her husband outside when a little voice beside him says 'I love being in the dark'.
    The man nearly has a heart attack and finally flicks his cigarette lighter to see a little boy beside him. 'I saw what you did with my Mam' said the boy 'if I tell my Da you'll be in big trouble'.
    'No! please!' whispers the man 'Look, I'll give you €5 if you don't say anything'
    '10' said the little boy. So the man handed him a €10 note, then realising that the woman and her husband had left the bedroom, he darted out of the wardrobe, out the window and down the drain pipe and shot off up the street like a rocket.
    Next morning the little boy is admiring his tenner when his father walks into the room. 'Where did you get that?' he asks. 'I found it' says the boy.
    'No you didn't' says the father angrily snatching it from him, 'you stole it somewhere, didn't you?', 'no, I found it' says the boy.
    'You're a liar and a thief!' says his father, 'get down to the church straight away and go to confession'.
    The boy walks down to the church, waits in line and finally enters the dark confession box. 'Oh, I love being in the dark' he says. He hears somebody say 'Oh for God's sake!' the little hatch opens and a €10 note slides through.


  • #4571
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A cop stopped a lady driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
    Cop: Didn't you see the arrows?
    Lady: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indian


  • Advertisement
  • #4572
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    A guy goes for a wee in the gents and is standing next to a bloke who may or may not be called Mbegane Ndulu.
    Having a look round as you do at these times, he notices the size of the other guys equipment and asks how it got to be so big.
    Mbegane says that when he was a kid, his mum tied a rock to it using a bit of string and the weight made it grow bigger.
    After a bit of thought, the first guy reckons it's worth a try.
    3 weeks go by and as they do in jokes like this, the 2 men happened to meet in the same bog.....
    Mbegane asks how it's going and the other guy says...
    Well, it's halfway working.
    It's gone black.


  • #4573
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

    "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel bloody awful today."


  • #4574
    Welsh Megaman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 76,232 ✭✭✭✭Welsh Megaman


    I once played poker with a pack of tarot cards.

    I got a full house and four people died!


  • #4575
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    A man suspected his wife of seeing another man hired a chinese detective
    a few days later he received this report

    Most honorable sir
    you leave the house
    he come to house
    i watch
    he and she leave the house
    i follow
    he and she get on train
    i follow
    he and she go in hotel
    i climb tree
    look in window
    he kiss she
    she kiss he
    he strip she
    she strip he
    he play with she
    she play with he
    i play with me
    i fall out of tree
    no see
    no fee.
    __________________


  • #4576
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

    He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

    Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

    "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

    "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

    "Hmm.let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

    "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular click for speed."

    He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

    "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

    Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIAHORREA."

    "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response .....

    "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shat in my pants!"

    HE GOT THE JOB!


  • #4577
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    A man who has just joined the army manages to lose his rifle while on a training mission.
    When he gets back to the barracks his CO asks him where his rifle is. 'I lost it' the soldier replies. 'You bloody idiot!' shouts his CO, 'you're going to pay for that rifle'. 'But thats not fair' the soldier protests 'why should I have to pay for it? It didn't belong to me.'
    'Listen you fool' says the CO 'when you join the military, any weapons or equipment in your possesion are your responsibility, if you lose it you pay for it'.
    'Well...what if I'm driving a tank and I lose that?' asks the soldier.
    'You pay for it' the CO replies.
    '**** me!' says the soldier, 'now I understand why all these captains go down with their ships'


  • #4578
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    A team of council men doing road work are waiting on a delivery of new shovels. The head man calls into the council yard to pick them up but the boss tells him there's been a delay and they won't be arriving for another two days.
    'But how are my men supposed to manage without shovels?' he asks.
    'Just tell them to lean on each other until the shovels come' replied the boss.


  • #4579
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    I'am that kind of person, that when my ship comes in, it'll arrive at the airport.

    :(


  • #4580
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

    "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

    The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

    "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

    "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."


  • #4581
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,897 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Churchill did well choosing a dog as their car insurance mascot.

    Far better than a mere cat..


  • Advertisement
  • #4582
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    The new priest of a rural parish in the 1950's is coming back from giving the last rites late one night when he notices that the lights are still on in the local pub and there are the rowdy sounds of merriment coming from inside.
    The priest is furious that people are still drinking at this hour, so he bursts into through the door and shouts 'Any man that wants to go to Heaven, come over here and stand beside me!'. All the men put down their drinks and sheepishly gather beside the angry priest except for one old man who walks to the bar and starts discussing something with the barman.
    'You there!' bellows the priest, 'are you telling me that you don't want to go to Heaven?'.
    'Oh, I do Father' says the old man 'I'm just getting a few bottles for the journey'.


  • #4583
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    The same priest was conducting the choir in the chapel while Mary Flaherty (best looking lassie in the parish) was ringing the chapel bells behind them.
    Mary's foot got tangled up in the bell rope and she was whisked into the air and left dangling upside down with her dress down around her ears. Unfortunatley for poor Mary, it was wash night and she hadn't got any knickers on.
    Before any of the choir could turn around, the priest shouted 'let any man who looks at Mary Flaherty be struck blind instantly!'
    Covering his right eye with his hand and turning around, Old Francie said to himself 'I think I could get by with just the one'.


  • #4584
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    I wouldn't exactly say I was stupid when I was a child but I did get held back a bit in school. Mind you it was nice for the teacher, having somebody her own age to talk to.


  • #4585
    the purple tin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    I hate people who take drugs, like the gardai and customs.


  • #4586
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

    "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


  • #4587
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

    "I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

    “No, you don’t understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”


  • #4588
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

    His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

    His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

    Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

    Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.



    “No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”


  • #4589
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    A bloke is walking down the street when he passes a new bakers shop.

    The sign outside says "Every cake £1!" so he goes inside and is quite taken by the quality and the range, but on looking at the top shelf he sees a cake in the middle of the row marked up at £3.

    "Here!" he says ".. it says on the sign outside that every cake is £1!"

    "What of it?" says the baker.

    "Well, that cake in the middle of the top shelf is £3!" says the bloke.

    "I know.." says the baker ".. but that's Madeira cake."


  • #4590
    764dak
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,849 ✭✭✭764dak


    I actually heard this one while watching the last World Cup. The match was Argentina 4-1 South Korea.

    Commentator: "Another foul on you know who. He's not Korean. He's Lionel Messi."

    "You know who" sounds like a Korean name: Yoo No-Hoo


  • Advertisement
  • #4591
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

    The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

    "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

    "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

    Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

    "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

    "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

    "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and

    his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

    "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

    "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

    "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

    "What are you doing Sister?"

    "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."

    "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

    "No, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

    Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

    "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

    "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch !" exclaimed the Sister.

    The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

    The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You ****ers are my kind of people!"


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement