The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jimgoose

the purple tin wrote: »

A man is driving along the road when he gets a call from his boss. 'Congratulations! You've just been promoted' says the boss, the man is so happy and overwhelmed with this news that he briefly loses control of the car.
As he drives on further his boss rings again and tells him he'll be getting a brand new company car, again overwhelmed by this information he briefly loses control and swerves but manages to right himself.
He continues on down the road when the boss rings a third time and tells him 'you'll be getting a 40% raise in pay'.
This is too much for the man and he swerves off the road and crashes into a tree. Thankfully he is not hurt. After a while, the Gardai arrive. 'What caused the accident?' they ask the man, 'I'm not sure' he replied 'I just careered off the road!'

Oh Jaysis... :pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:

Quazzie

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing on their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Hootanany

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

Hagar the Nice.

Fella at the bus stop thought I was Jewish,said to me'Any idea what time is the next bus Jew.'

Oficially the best jokes ever!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634

The top 10 were:

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Daveysil15

Deleted User wrote: »

Oficially the best jokes ever!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634[/QUOTE]

The only good one there is the second one.

rolliepoley

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

CastingCouch

Milton Jones.

-

"When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.”

everlast75

Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.


At first I was afraid; I was petrified...

Mr Tibbs

I went to visit my elderly grandparents the other day and was shocked to see my dear old grandad sitting in the front garden with nothing on below the waist. Grandad I said what are you doing and he said well I sat out here last week with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck, this is your grandmothers idea.

rolliepoley

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, how may we help you today? ” Very uncomfortably, she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug cost?

“He answers, “Lady if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna **** in your pants when you hear what the price is.”

claypigeon777

"I've got AIDS!"

"Seriously? Don't give me that!"

kildara

Obesity cures wrinkles

rolliepoley

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

God smiled and asked “what might they be?”

Arthur replied:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.”
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God,

“Hold on.” God went to his Celestial super computer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Mr Tibbs

A Scotsman wearing a kilt is standing at a bus stop and a woman standing behind him ask him is it true that you dont wear any underwear under those things. He says to her pu yur hand up and find uut. So she does and screams oh my god its gruesome. Pu your hand back and it will grow more he says

rolliepoley

“A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny…

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.””

Mr Tibbs

A boss was flying out on his holidays and came in that evening to give last minute instructions to his staff. The night watchman caught him by the arm on the way out and said boss dont get on the plane I had a dream last night its going to crash. Bullsh*t says the boss but the night watchman persisted, so getting jittery when he got home he changed his mind and decided to fly the next morning.
That night the news came on the television about a plane crash and all aboard were killed and sure enough it was his flight. Well he flew out the next day thinking when he gets home he will thank that man. First day back at work after his holidays that evening when the night watchman came in he handed him three thousand euro and thanked him for saving his life and then sacked him.

cruais

Paddy English man, Paddy Scots man and Paddy Irish man where driving in a car on Christmas Day. All of a sudden the car crashes and they all die.

Upon reaching the pearly gates of heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter.

"Gentlemen, you chose the worst day to come to heaven. It's Christmas Day! We are out the door! If you want to get in here, you will have to give me something Christmasy".

Paddy English man roots in his pocket and pulls a set of keys out. He jingles them.

"Look St. Peter, the bells of Christmas!"

"Very good" said St. Peter. Off you go inside.

Paddy Scots man has a root in his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

"Look St. Peter, the lights of Christmas!"

"Very good" said St. Peter. Off you go inside.

Paddy Irish man has a root in his pocket and pulls out a pair of knickers.

"What have they got to do with Christmas Paddy Irish Man?".

"Ah, St. Peter, there Carols!".

Blackjack

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A boss was flying out on his holidays and came in that evening to give last minute instructions to his staff. The night watchman caught him by the arm on the way out and said boss dont get on the plane I had a dream last night its going to crash. Bullsh*t says the boss but the night watchman persisted, so getting jittery when he got home he changed his mind and decided to fly the next morning.
That night the news came on the television about a plane crash and all aboard were killed and sure enough it was his flight. Well he flew out the next day thinking when he gets home he will thank that man. First day back at work after his holidays that evening when the night watchman came in he handed him three thousand euro and thanked him for saving his life and then sacked him.

Punchline is missing

Mr Tibbs

Blackjack wrote: »

Punchline is missing

No its not think about it the Night Watchman dreaming.

locum-motion

When telling jokes about Scottish brothers, it's probably not a great idea to give them the names of two renowned tough guys who played international rugby for Scotland and the Lions. They might catch up with you in a dark alley!

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

Miike

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

No its not think about it the Night Watchman dreaming.

Thats a riddle!

Hagar the Nice.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head?

locum-motion

donegal_road wrote: »

what do you call a zoo with no animals?

a Shiatsu



.

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

If I may, a better version:

I went to a zoo the other day, but it only had one animal, a small dog.
<pause>
It was a Shih Tzu

If I may, an even better version:

(Best thrown into a conversation about dogs or animals) Q: What's a Shih Tzu?

(Person you ask comes back with) A: It's a breed of small furry dog.

(You then say) No, it's a zoo with no animals.


The first two versions give away the twist too early.

K-9

Mary Robinson was on a state visit to Germany in 1995. Everything went very well and Helmut Kohl invited her out to his chateau in the Black Forest.

Things went splendidly, the best of food, loads of wine and Nick wasn't there, so Helmut asks "Would you like to come upstairs and see the rest of the chateau?" Mary had a few glasses of wine at this stage, feeling a bit tipsy, she gives the nod and away they go.

Half way up the tall expansive stairs Helmut asks "I've something to show you in my room, do you want to come in?" Mary answers, "Why yes Helmut, I'd love to."

They get to the door, Helmut opens it, they start walking in and Mary sees this small man at back of the room, long beard, stooped over a type writer, beating away at it. Mary asks "Who's that Helmut?"

Helmut pauses, ponders if he should tell her and asks "you sure you wont tell anybody Mary?" "I wont tell a soul" she answers.

"Well that's Adolf Hitler, the Government brought him out here after the war, he never committed suicide at all." Mary is a bit shocked but introduces herself anyway, "Hello Mr. Hitler, how are you getting on?", that type of stuff.

So Mary asks "Well Mr. Hitler, what have you being doing here the last 50 years or so?". Adolf replies "Well, I'm finishing of my plans for the Fourth Reich, when I get power again and finally get to finish of my plans."

Mary asks, "So what exactly are those plans?" Adolf says "Well I want to finish of my plans about the extermination of the remaining 6 million Jews and 12 golfers."

Mary looks at Helmut in exasperation, Helmut nods, so Mary asks "But Mr. Hitler, why do you want to kill 12 golfers?"

Hitler replies "Didn't I tell you Helmut, nobody ever asks about the 6 million jews."

EoghanIRL

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Mr Tibbs

Whats the difference between a pay check and a penis.

You dont have to beg your wife to blow the pay check.

the purple tin

Long ago a frail old man was tottering home one day when he heard a voice calling him from near a pond. He sees a frog which says 'please help me! I'm a beautiful Princess trapped in this body by an evil witch, if you kiss me I'll turn back to normal'
'Amazing!' says the old man, he picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and walks on.
'If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful Princess, I'll reward you well' says the frog.
The old man keeps shuffling along and says nothing.
'I'll come home with you and we can do anything you want' says the frog loudly.
Again the old man doesn't react.
'Kiss me and when I change back we can have mad passionate sex together!' shouts the frog.
The man seems not to notice and keeps plodding along.
'Do you not hear what I'm saying to you?' cried the frog, 'are you bloody deaf or something?'
'Oh no, I heard you fine' said the old man, 'it's just that at my age I'll get more enjoyment out of a talking frog'.

Hagar the Nice.

If your from anywhere at all you'll realise not to do drugs whilst driving a car,possibly the funniest YouTube I've ever seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2qPmaSrS50&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Wossack

thar be a seperate thread for youtubery