The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

24-03-2013 11:29AM

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-03-2013 04:07PM

How many giraffes can you fit in a fridge ?

None

Until you remove the elephants

24-03-2013 04:33PM

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude
and speed are decreasing rapidly.

The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this
ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to
decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this
folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start
off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the
pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"

Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?

Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his
mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we
coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is N*ggers*. Let them do
the Muslims first. If that don’t work we is Zulus".

*Censored due to PC gone mad!

jugger · 24-03-2013 04:43PM

please tell me this really happened

jugger · 24-03-2013 04:46PM

[QUOTE=I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember[/QUOTE]

please tell me this really happened

24-03-2013 04:56PM

jugger wrote: »

please tell me this really happened

Not to me!

rolliepoley · 24-03-2013 04:59PM

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt the other day, with "Guess" on it, So I said Implants?

oranbhoy67 · 24-03-2013 10:34PM

are we all to be racist now father??

Micky Dolenz · 24-03-2013 11:48PM

oranbhoy67 wrote: »

are we all to be racist now father??

Mod

Indeed. A couple of posts deleted. Can we not have racist jokes please.

narddog · 25-03-2013 12:36AM

Doctor is checking out a guy. "Your lungs are in poor shape", he said "you'll need to cut down to 10 cigarettes a day"

Guy returns a month later in even worse shape. Doc asks him if he is feeling any better.

Fellow says no, feel even worse. I never smoked before so 10 a day is really fcuking me up.

Kettleson · 25-03-2013 01:53AM

Guy goes to see a psychiatrist about a worry he had.

So what's the problem? said the shrink.

"well you see I work at the deli counter at tesco, and recently I have had this terrible urge to put my prick in the bacon slicer".

I see, said the shrink, have you ever had a history of self harm?

No says the bloke. So the shrink advises the guy to take it easy for a while, rest up and come back and see him in a week. Which the guy did.

Well said the shrink, how did you get on this week?

"I did a terrible thing" he said. " I put my prick in the bacon slicer".

My god! Cried the shrink, "what happened!".

"oh she loved it" said the bloke.

dilallio · 25-03-2013 02:39PM

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Mod

Indeed. A couple of posts deleted. Can we not have racist jokes please.

+1

Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

jme2010 · 25-03-2013 03:36PM

How many dirty, stinking apes does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Three.
One dirty, stinking ape to screw in the light-bulb, and two dirty, stinking apes to throw feces at each other!

Slattsy · 25-03-2013 03:44PM

jme2010 wrote: »

How many dirty, stinking apes does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Three.
One dirty, stinking ape to screw in the light-bulb, and two dirty, stinking apes to throw feces at each other!

You realise jokes are meant to be funny, right ??

25-03-2013 04:06PM

This thread used to be funny

Capt'n Midnight · 25-03-2013 04:57PM

Carol Vorderman fell down some stairs.

On she hit 4 from the top and 3 from the bottom.

rolliepoley · 25-03-2013 06:43PM

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

narddog · 25-03-2013 07:56PM

dilallio wrote: »

+1

Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

Does dat include de blacks.

ADonoghue · 25-03-2013 08:11PM

A gorilla walks into a pub and orders a pint the bloke behind the bar thinks i'll rob this b"""stard and says thats £10 mate , the gorilla hands the money and drinks his pint and walks out .

The next day the same thing and the bartender charges him the same amount , this happened again later that week and the bloke serving started to feel a bit sorry for the gorilla and says to him we don't get many gorillas in here the gorilla said no fecking wonder at £10 a pint .

rolliepoley · 25-03-2013 10:20PM

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

wexie · 26-03-2013 12:06AM

Guy walks into a bar, all red eyed, bags under his eyes. Generally looking pretty rotten. He sits down and asks for 6 double Jack Daniels.

The bartender kinda raises an eyebrow thinking this is trouble, but it's been a slow day so he serves the guy the drinks. The guy knocks them all back and bursts into uncontrollable crying, wailing, blubbering, the lot. So the bartender asks : geez dude, are you okay? You must have had a terrible day?

"yes...sniff....I fouhound out todayay that my older snif brother is gayay"

Ah man, that's pretty rough all right.

Guy sits there for a while longer and finally goes home.

Next day he's back, looking even worse, unshaven, snot all over his face. Sits down and asks for 6 double JD again.

Bartender asks him, gee you having another rough day? And serves him his drinks.

"I, sniff, fouhound out todayay that my....younger brother is gay as well"

He drinks his 6 doubles, sobs for a while and heads home.

The next day he's back, total mess now, unshaven, still wearing the same clothes, eyes bloodshot, crying....

The bartender looks at him and goes : "bloody hell, does anybody in your family like women?"

...........crying, sobbing.....

"my wife"

Curly Judge · 26-03-2013 10:16AM

Catholic horses & protestant punters

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Akrasia · 26-03-2013 11:20AM

What do you call 400 fairy cakes at a disco?

Abundance...

I'll get me coat

Kettleson · 26-03-2013 11:39AM

What do you call the Russian snooker player?

Inoff The Red.

26-03-2013 11:52AM

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "any bread?"

Barman says "no"

The duck says "any bread?"

Again the barman says no,

The duck replies "any bread?"

The barman is getting pissed off at this stage and says to the the duck
"If you ask me for bread again I'll nail your fcuking beak to the bar"

The duck says "any nails?"
"NOOOO!!" said the barman

"Any bread" says the duck!!!!

ADonoghue · 26-03-2013 12:14PM

A woman goes to the Doctors for a Medical Check-up , and he says to her do you know that you have acute angina and
she says oh thanks very much , my husband thinks I have a nice pair of tits as well .

Liam90 · 26-03-2013 12:25PM

I shave my balls......

I call them brazil nuts.

ArnoldJRimmer · 26-03-2013 03:03PM

Whats the difference between a French Kiss and a Belgian kiss?

A Belgian kiss is more Flemish

Micky Dolenz · 26-03-2013 03:33PM

Two nipples bounce into a bar and take a seat at the counter.

They ask the barman for two vodkas and redbull. The barman says, "No chance lads, yer off yer tits"

jonnyfingers · 26-03-2013 06:31PM

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says "I think I'm a moth".

The dentist says "This is a dentist's office!".

The guys says "I know".

The dentist says "you need psychiatric help, you need to go to the hospital", they guy says "I know!".

So he asks the guy "what are you doing in my office then?"

"The light was on".

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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