The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'




PS: Some of the old duffers this was posted to are a bit deaf, that's why it's in caps!

Lelantos

dolanbaker wrote: »

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'




PS: Some of the old duffers this was posted to are a bit deaf, that's why it's in caps!

And repeated, just to make sure!

Lelantos

Lelantos wrote: »

And repeated, just to make sure!

It's like the civil service, everything in triplicate.


Not any more, I've dissed the dup!

major bill

Whats Blue and White and rarely seen at the top of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket!!!!



Dont know why but i find that joke to be a very good ice breaker, its so stupid ye have to laugh.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used."

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket ha nging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Edit: dup deleted! :P

Lincoln is doing well in theatres.

Historically this has not been the case.

mccarthy37

A Garda on horseback stops a kid on a bike who was out late. Writing a ticket he asked the kid did Santa give him the bike, the young fellow said yes, well said the Garda next year ask Santa for a light for your bike. The kid asked the Garda did Santa give you the horse, yes said the cop sarcastically why. Well said the kid next year tell Santa that the b*llox should be underneath the horse.

Capt'n Midnight

There are countless films without Dracula in them.

fasttalkerchat

mccarthy37 wrote: »

A Garda on horseback stops a kid on a bike who was out late. Writing a ticket he asked the kid did Santa give him the bike, the young fellow said yes, well said the Garda next year ask Santa for a light for your bike. The kid asked the Garda did Santa give you the horse, yes said the cop sarcastically why. Well said the kid next year tell Santa that the b*llox should be underneath the horse.

The only animal with 2 arseholes.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.


One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

" I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, now her vagina has completely closed up!!!

"Bummer mate"

"Good idea!!"

“Thanks mate!!"

mccarthy37

The Lone Ranger And his sidekick Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto jumps of his horse leans his head down to the ground and says Buffalo come. The Lone Ranger says that's amazing how do you know such things and Tonto says ear sticky.

admiralofthefleet

mccarthy37 wrote: »

The Lone Ranger And his sidekick Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto jumps of his horse leans his head down to the ground and says Buffalo come. The Lone Ranger says that's amazing how do you know such things and Tonto says ear sticky.

whats the closest thing to silver

the lone ranger's bollix

mccarthy37

A mouse comes across an Elephant in tears in the jungle one day and asks whats wrong Mr Elephant and the Elephant says that he has a thorn in his foot and he cant get it out. The Elephant asks the mouse if he lifts his foot would the mouse go under and remove the thorn.
No problem says the mouse but if I do this favour I want to have sex with you after. So the Elephant agrees laughing to himself lifts his foot and the mouse gets under and removes the thorn and then says what about our deal. The Elephant says of course hop up so the mouse gets up on him and starts banging away. The Elephant staggers with the laughter and stands on another thorn and leaves a roar out him and the mouse shouts suffer baby suffer.

chocksaway

What's the difference between BSE and PMS?

One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem

Capt'n Midnight

I had to sit down and tell my parents that I'd got my girlfriend into trouble.

"Don't you use condoms?" was the first thing they screamed at me.

"Of course I did." I snapped. "But one burst at the airport and they found the rest at the hospital."

Raymond, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

narddog

Tiger Woods is in Japan for a tournamemnt. The night before, he decides to head out and sample the Toyko nightlife.

He hooks up with a Japenese chick and brings her back to his room. Tiger is slightly the worse for wear as they turn the lights out and start at it.

Suddenly Tiger hears her groan and moan "Schimotus, schimotus". He keeps at it, while she keeps moaning "Schimotis, schimotis".

Next morning, hungover like a dog, Tiger heads to the course to tee it up. At the 1st hole, his head a mess, he mistakenly tees off towards the 2nd green.

Someone from the crowds shouts out "Schimotis". Tiger turns to his interpreter and asks, what the **** does "Schimotus" mean?

The interpreter replied "wrong hole".....

Godsentme

p4ddyh1 wrote: »

My grandfather died in a concentration camp
He fell out of his gun tower

My grandfather died in a concentration camp too!!

A fella fell out of a gun tower on top of him and killed him stone dead!

Banjo String

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much are the cocktails?
The Barman says,
"£4 a glass and £10 for a Pitcher"
Paddy replied
" i'll have a glass, forget about the photo!

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Port Charlotte. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..


Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.


Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"


With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,


"How did you know that was what I wanted?"


The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Capt'n Midnight

My wife said she wanted to watch an adult movie or 2 after work tonight. That was an odd request I thought, and I brought some home with me. She hated them, she barely made it through the first movie.

"How to Secure A Stable Financial Retirement"

irish bloke

Santa and Mary Claus sitting watching telly when they hear tapping on the roof.

Mary says: "is that snow on the roof"
To which Santa replies: "no, that's rain dear"

Capt'n Midnight

Honda release car to rival the Kia Provo


it's called the "Red Honda Ulster"

padjo5

What do you call a dog with no hind legs, and balls of steel?

Sparky.

podgemonster

padjo5 wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no hind legs, and balls of steel?

Sparky.

What do you call a dog with no ears?

A Cúnt

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fúckin' cat!!!

EoghanIRL

Godsentme wrote: »

My grandfather died in a concentration camp too!!

A fella fell out of a gun tower on top of him and killed him stone dead!

I did nazi that comming , Anne frankly it wasn't funny either .

Whats brown,smelly and hides in the attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank!

dilallio

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I did nazi that comming , Anne frankly it wasn't funny either .

My brother went to see a play about Anne Frank, a good few years ago in New York. The play was unbelievably bad, and the director had cast his younger girlfriend in the main role.

Her acting was so bad, that in the middle of the play, when the German soldiers came into the house, someone in the audience started shouting:
"Lads, she's hiding upstairs in the attic".