The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

admiralofthefleet

Last year I asked my mam what she wanted for mothers day, 'I wanna Dyson' she said.

So i killed her

rolliepoley

whats the smallest hotel in the world ?

A gee because you have to leave your bags outside.

rolliepoley

rolliepoley wrote: »

whats the smallest hotel in the world ?

A gee because you have to leave your bags outside.

get your coat

chughes

urbanledge wrote: »

get your coat

Why, has he pulled??

Curly Judge

An Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pakistani are on top of the
Eiffel Tower….

The American throws a load of money off the top.

"Why did you do that"? Ask the others.

"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it" says
the
American.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the
top, saying "We have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it"

The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says " Don't you dare!"

Kettleson

Guy walks into pub on his own.

New barman says "excuse me, hope you dont mind me asking, but do you have 2 anuses?"

"WTF are you talking about!?" says the guy.

"Oh sorry" says the bar man. "But everytime you come in here with your mates, my boss always says "Oh bollocks, here comes that bloke with the 2 arse holes".

Aphex

:rolleyes:


Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

Three baby boys were born within minutes of each other in a Dublin hospital. One baby was born to English parents, one to Indian parents and one to Irish parents. The baby boys were taken to the nursery, after which the doctor came out to the three fathers, who were waiting to see their sons.

"I'm very sorry," the doctor announced, "But we've had a mix up with the babies. They were born so soon after each other that we can't be sure whose baby is whose."

The Irish man stood up and said "Let me see the kids! I'll know my own son!"

So they allowed the Irish man to walk in, he looked at the three babies and picked up the Indian baby boy and walked out with him. The Indian man stopped him and said "I'm sorry sir, but there are three babies in there, and only one of them is obviously Asian, that is MY son!"

The Irish guy replied "Yeah, but one of the other two is English, and I'm not taking any chances."

Jon_459

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set of for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbour’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

Ando's Saggy Bottom

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said.

Aphex

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "No! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages!

Esel

Jon_459 wrote: »

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set of for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbour’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

What country did you hear this joke in? Because that's not exactly funny....

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?











One? [ in a German accent ]



That's the German sense of humour.

mydogjack

Actually it was funny, really funny.

And as for your joke, I've had funnier toothaches!

kev1.3s

I taught that was flicking hilarious.

johanna86

it doesn't matter...he can't hear you anyway!

Apanachi

Esel wrote: »

That's the German sense of humour.

As is getting worked up about a simple joke

What's your problem with the bit you highlighted?

ynul31f47k6b59

Esel wrote: »

That's the German sense of humour.

German sense of humour! THAT's the best joke I've ever heard.

TheLastMohican

shanna83 wrote: »

German sense of humour! THAT's the best joke I've ever heard.

Surely "the best lie I've heard", is what you meant?

FishHook

I recently bought a GPS system for my car. Bonnie Tyler does the voice for it. I am going to have to bring it back to the shop though. It keeps on telling me to turn around...and every now and then it falls apart!!

Kettleson

I'm just back from Cheltenham where I met a one-legged jockey who I hadn't seen for a while.

We were in the parade ring, so I asked him how he was getting on.

ericl

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

admiralofthefleet

White smoke from the Vatican, That can only mean one thing

They've finally finished burning all the laptops and hard drives.

Curly Judge

Ed met Linda on a singles cruise ship and fell instantly in love with her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a
fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very
much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair
to warn you,
I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

If there's anyone who can shelter a German from being prosecuted for human rights violations, it's someone from Argentina...

smash

The world economy explained with two cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut.


AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them's a horse

johnny_knoxvile

where do you take a Jewish kid with ADD?


Concentration camp.

tayto lover

Kettleson wrote: »

I'm just back from Cheltenham where I met a one-legged jockey who I hadn't seen for a while.

We were in the parade ring, so I asked him how he was getting on.

That one-legged jockey was actually Chinese.
His name is Tie-Won-Shu.

Capt'n Midnight

Very sad. David Bowie has been electrocuted whilst rewiring his apartment in Los Angeles.

The coroner reported that it was a tragic case of the man who failed to earth.

admiralofthefleet

tayto lover wrote: »

That one-legged jockey was actually Chinese.
His name is Tie-Won-Shu.

and his mate the chinese footballer; bang wan inn

e_e

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.