The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover · 17-01-2013 05:59PM

We have the bit between our teeth now.

EoghanIRL · 17-01-2013 09:55PM

groovie wrote: »

Tesco are launching a range of burgers for kids called My little pony. (cough)

Ugh sick of these joke

Drakares · 17-01-2013 09:57PM

Yup. Tesco jokes are old by now. Moar funnies!

tayto lover · 17-01-2013 09:57PM

groovie wrote: »

Tesco are launching a range of burgers for kids called My little pony. (cough)

They say the "Mr Ed" burgers talk back to you.

17-01-2013 09:58PM

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

passremarkable · 17-01-2013 10:00PM

tried to buy the 3d version of the bambi dvd..but it was little deer!!

quirkey35 · 17-01-2013 10:02PM

News just in..................................Traces of Zebra have been found in Tesco Bar Codes

hefferboi · 17-01-2013 10:03PM

Shut up with the Horse jokes.

quirkey35 · 17-01-2013 10:04PM

Had a burger before going to bed last night..... Woke up this morning ..... had a bit in my mouth

mad m · 17-01-2013 10:32PM

Tesco have made new range of MeatBalls....I heard they are the dogs b0ll0x!

crockholm · 17-01-2013 10:39PM

David Attenborough and his crew are filming elephants during the mating season when an over excited bull charges towards them causing them to scatter and flee for their lives.
Sir David is one of the first to make it back to camp,and he waits at the entrance to make sure everyone's safe, eventually ,they all come back, except one, joe,the cameraman.
they wait for hours,and are about to send a search team for joe when,lo,he appears,walking slowly and almost crab-like.
Sir David greets the pale,gaunt nervy joe and asks of his tale, joe replies "i need ice,a hospital and a therapist" "why so?",asks david, "that bull elephant chased me caught me pinned me down and had sex with me"sobbed joe
O dear! said david,"but its not so bad is it, i mean elephant penis' are tiny",joe replied "I know that ,but the baxtard fingered me first"

17-01-2013 11:01PM

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster...............

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his trousers down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

JoeyDoh · 17-01-2013 11:04PM

So there's horse meat in tesco burgers
I also hear there's camel toes in pennies leggings

17-01-2013 11:46PM

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer replied, 'I want to get one of them day vorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer replied, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, ‘No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer replied, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, ‘Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a day vorce.'

Sofaspud · 18-01-2013 12:59AM

What do you call a rough neighbourhood in Italy?

Spaghetto!

hefferboi · 18-01-2013 06:35PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

hefferboi · 18-01-2013 06:35PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

18-01-2013 08:44PM

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

mobby · 18-01-2013 11:01PM

A Garda spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a
Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use
correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

Czarcasm · 19-01-2013 03:11AM

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "A whole lot, as a matter of fact.-- The Muslim one blows itself up!"

admiralofthefleet · 19-01-2013 03:34AM

I don't mind if people make cheesy jokes, as long as they're mature.

tayto lover · 19-01-2013 08:55PM

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I don't mind if people make cheesy jokes, as long as they're mature.

and not religious ....like ... Cheeses of Nazareth.

zenno · 20-01-2013 05:34AM

Damn apples....

There were three guys in a forest.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

Curly Judge · 21-01-2013 12:15PM

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife
..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

In Exile · 22-01-2013 12:36AM

What is a 6.9?

Something good, ruined by a period

In Exile · 22-01-2013 12:37AM

What is a 6.9?

Something good, ruined by a period

Pottler · 22-01-2013 12:43AM

Pupil: "Miss, would you punish me for somthing I didn't do??"
Teacher;"Of course not, that would be unfair and reprehensible".
Pupil:"Good, I didn't do my homework".

In Exile · 22-01-2013 01:48AM

Jesus Christ made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said J.C. kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

"Tears sprang from J.C.'s eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

Mrs Garth Brooks · 22-01-2013 11:39AM

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

frag420 · 22-01-2013 12:03PM

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

Explains your username!!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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