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SUPPORT for victims of sexual assault thread - mod warning post #1

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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    I was also badly sexually assaulted, by a male acquaintance.

    Everything you think about a rape victim before you have been raped is most likely WRONG. You've no idea what it's like until you go through it yourself. And it is important to get this information out there from all of us who have been through it to get rid of all these rape myths and stereotypes.

    Mine was by an acquaintance.

    Immediately after it happened I went into complete shock and functioned on autopilot, and was able to have a normal conversation with people. You're thinking at the time 'Something huge has happened, but it's too huge to comprehend, I'm going to go on as normal and not think about it'. It's a coping mechanism.

    ---Which is why when I read about the maid who accused that French president (can't think of his name) of sexual assault, and they were questioning how she could go and clean a room straight after, I thought 'that's exactly what you do, how little most people know, you go onto autopilot because you can't believe it yourself'

    You spend ages coming to terms with the fact that you've been raped/sexually assaulted. You know once you've admitted it to yourself you'll have to actually face that you've actually been SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, and it's so serious, and it's so difficult to face.

    People you tell will say 'report it, report it, why don't you/ didn't you report it'. And that is so unhelpful. They don't understand that you can barely face the horror of admitting it to yourself, and the attack literally leaves you feeling dirty, slutty, you want to hide away, you want it to all go away, let alone having everyone know, and having to go through the ordeal in court where you might not be believed.

    Most people will not be supportive. They will either - distance themselves from you, as it's either too horrible for them to deal with or they don't know what to say, and ask you if it's your fault, 'did you stop him?'

    You think about it every second of every day, you jump at, and are afraid of everything.

    I didn't report it in common with most cases, I'm just not strong enough to bring him to court, and I am not ashamed about that.

    You eventually are able to process it and start to be able to talk about it, and you do find kindness in other people. :) Hugs to all the other girls on here who went through something.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    If I were asked had I been sexually assaulted I would have said no. But on reflection it's happened that I have had to "fight" a guy off.

    For example I might be ok with kissing them but not with them forcing my hand down their pants. So they try it, I pull away, they try again, more forcefully and I pull away and say "no". They try again, more forcefully, and I say "f8ck off" and walk away.

    Another time I was stuck for a lift and stayed at a house of a friend I worked with. Woke up and a guy was in the bed with me, hands down my pants. I ran out and walked home.

    Those are a couple of examples but I have more. A few more :(

    It's a bit strange that there was all the hype of "grabbing" surrounding that traveller programme but that stuff actually goes on a fair bit in settled communities. We just hide from what it really is because it's not quite so dramatic.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Solomon Shrilling Scam


    ash23 wrote: »
    It's a bit strange that there was all the hype of "grabbing" surrounding that traveller programme but that stuff actually goes on a fair bit in settled communities. We just hide from what it really is because it's not quite so dramatic.

    I remember hearing about that but I missed the program, what was the grabbing about?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    bluewolf wrote: »
    I remember hearing about that but I missed the program, what was the grabbing about?

    Basically the male "grabs" the female by dragging her to somewhere secluded and trying to kiss her while she protests loudly.

    I watched it and thought it was disgraceful and akin to rape etc etc but this thread made me realise that it's not really much different to what's happening in pubs, clubs, alleys and houses all over the country every weekend.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,770 ✭✭✭LeeHoffmann


    I was raped at age 6. Obviously I didn´t understand what had happened. I didn´t know what sex was. I thought nobody would believe me if I told what had happened. I didn´t really have the vocabulary to explain what had happened. I thought it was partly my fault -because he told me it was. I grew up with this so my experience would be very different from other (older) women´s experiences I reckon - e.g. nobody will ever ask what I was wearing at the time.

    I was 18 the first time I told anyone about what happened to me. I confronted the man when I was 19, told him what I thought of him etc. Before then, I always felt worthless, filthy and ashamed. Afterwards...I didn´t. The experience was empowering (not recommending it to anyone here btw!!), and I feel I´ve come to terms with what happened as much as anyone ever can. I still think about it every day (as I do with all of the big traumatic/tragic events in my life - e.g. like I think of the deaths of my parents at some point every day) but it doesn´t haunt me. There are no remaining sexual issues for me. My only real long-term consequences are that my danger radar is always and will always be on high alert, and it always bothers me how ignorant most people are on this matter - the ridiculous assumptions people make (from victim blaming to thinking you´re doomed to be ´´fu*ked up for life´´ - unfortunately an actual quote from someone I know :rolleyes:).

    Other people´s reactions are the problem now. I´m telling this story for the people who are still going through dealing with what happened to them. I went through hell for years dealing with this on my own. I have a great life now - I love my job, I have a group of close friends, and I´m marrying the love of my life in 3 months. :) He knows all about what happened, and understands (no stupid assumptions) and he never treated me as an oddity because of what happened -we were only going out a month or so when I told him about it.

    To anyone going through that pain, trust yourself. Life can be great again.


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    I was raped at age 6. Obviously I didn´t understand what had happened. I didn´t know what sex was. I thought nobody would believe me if I told what had happened. I didn´t really have the vocabulary to explain what had happened. I thought it was partly my fault -because he told me it was. I grew up with this so my experience would be very different from other (older) women´s experiences I reckon - e.g. nobody will ever ask what I was wearing at the time.

    I was 18 the first time I told anyone about what happened to me. I confronted the man when I was 19, told him what I thought of him etc. Before then, I always felt worthless, filthy and ashamed. Afterwards...I didn´t. The experience was empowering (not recommending it to anyone here btw!!), and I feel I´ve come to terms with what happened as much as anyone ever can. I still think about it every day (as I do with all of the big traumatic/tragic events in my life - e.g. like I think of the deaths of my parents at some point every day) but it doesn´t haunt me. There are no remaining sexual issues for me. My only real long-term consequences are that my danger radar is always and will always be on high alert, and it always bothers me how ignorant most people are on this matter - the ridiculous assumptions people make (from victim blaming to thinking you´re doomed to be ´´fu*ked up for life´´ - unfortunately an actual quote from someone I know :rolleyes:).

    Other people´s reactions are the problem now. I´m telling this story for the people who are still going through dealing with what happened to them. I went through hell for years dealing with this on my own. I have a great life now - I love my job, I have a group of close friends, and I´m marrying the love of my life in 3 months. :) He knows all about what happened, and understands (no stupid assumptions) and he never treated me as an oddity because of what happened -we were only going out a month or so when I told him about it.

    To anyone going through that pain, trust yourself. Life can be great again.

    Oh LeeHoffman I wish you'd talk to me if you would, because I'm still going through it, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over it. :(.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,770 ✭✭✭LeeHoffmann


    Of course, midlandmissus. You´ve always struck me as a wise, friendly and sensible person (the impression I got from your posts). I´d be happy to chat. PM sent


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,559 ✭✭✭Millicent


    Oh LeeHoffman I wish you'd talk to me if you would, because I'm still going through it, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over it. :(.

    If you want, and the same goes to anyone else here, to chat about it via PM or email any time, let me know. I am totally good with myself after a lot of counselling and self help work to deal with my issues after far too many sexual assaults.

    The only reason I bother with these threads any more is in the hopes that I can help someone the way I wished someone could have helped me. The blatant misogyny and victim blaming that crops up every time one of these threads pops up has very often nearly motivated me to stop posting on threads like these, it gets so depressing and infuriating. But then I think how horrible a thing it is to go through alone and I would hate for anyone to have to struggle in silence with such a big issue.

    If anyone wants to vent or chat, let me know. That being said, talking to a professional can also help massively so I recommend speaking to the Rape Crisis Centre or a trained counsellor to get out from under the trauma. Because that is what it is--a trauma. If you took a massive trauma to your leg or head, you would seek medical treatment immediately. The same goes for a mental trauma--take care of yourself and your mental health because you deserve as good a life as you can make it. :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    This thread has depressed me but also made me so angry. Isn't it amazing how many posts started off with 'I've never been assaulted....' only to then describe an unwanted grope, touch or feel of a sexual nature. I also can't get over the number of people this happened to in relatively public places where I presume there were other people around (a party, a nightclub, a pub, for example).


    I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    lazygal wrote: »
    This thread has depressed me but also made me so angry. Isn't it amazing how many posts started off with 'I've never been assaulted....' only to then describe an unwanted grope, touch or feel of a sexual nature. I also can't get over the number of people this happened to in relatively public places where I presume there were other people around (a party, a nightclub, a pub, for example).


    I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

    The culture we exist in needs to change, at the moment it seems like a nearly acceptable way to go about getting a woman, jumping on her and groping her, when it leaves the women feeling violated. It's not men's fault either, it's the society we live in, it needs to change, it needs to educate everyone that this is not acceptable and is damaging women.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,399 ✭✭✭KamiKazeKitten


    lazygal wrote: »
    This thread has depressed me but also made me so angry. Isn't it amazing how many posts started off with 'I've never been assaulted....' only to then describe an unwanted grope, touch or feel of a sexual nature. I also can't get over the number of people this happened to in relatively public places where I presume there were other people around (a party, a nightclub, a pub, for example).


    I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

    Sums up how I'd feel about it as well.

    On nights out you get used to the unwanted randomers groping you but I'd always have shrugged it off and never actually thought of it as sexual assault, it's just an annoying part of a night out...

    Nightclubs can really be a free for all sometimes (especially if I'm out with friends on student nights), almost like once you step in the door you're fair game.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,559 ✭✭✭Millicent


    Sums up how I'd feel about it as well.

    On nights out you get used to the unwanted randomers groping you but I'd always have shrugged it off and never actually thought of it as sexual assault, it's just an annoying part of a night out...

    Nightclubs can really be a free for all sometimes (especially if I'm out with friends on student nights), almost like once you step in the door you're fair game.

    What's worse about it is, it almost becomes something which slides into the background. I am hypersensitive to unwanted touching because of abuse at a young age but it amazes me how women who have not been the subject of severe sexual assault (not trying to minimise groping as less than serious, so I hope people know what I mean) become numbed to it so that they don't even register it as frequent.

    It just becomes a normal part of a night out and something to brush off rather than an affront to them personally. I think if more women acknowledged groping for what it is -- a sexual assault -- that the number of self-reported assaults would jump massively.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I haven't read through the whole thread but I think I'm one of those women who was 'basically raped.' It happened when I was 20, it had been a Christmas night out with some people I worked with but by the end of the night it was just me and a close friend in a club. My story isn't drink fuelled, I'm teetotal and I certainly wasn't drinking this night. I met this guy who I was attracted to and we had kissed a few times during the night. Toward the time the bar closed up he asked if I wanted a drink and I asked for a glass of water. I was dancing with my friend while he went to the bar and when he came over to me I took a swig from the glass. It tasted weird, sort of like ashes as if a cigarette had fallen in it, so I put it down, he told me to drink up but I said I didn't want it and left it back down. My friend who was quite drunk picked it up and drank it back.

    A few minutes later I left with the guy and my friend. I had decided to go home with him so we got a taxi together, detoured to my friend's house to drop her home and we went to his place. He was a foreign student and staying in a type of student accommodation where all the students had bedrooms with locks on the door. We went to his room, he locked the door behind him and we started kissing. I was feeling really quite odd and tired and after a few minutes realised I really wanted to just go home. I apologised to him, suggested meeting another time if he wanted but told him I wanted to leave. He tried to talk me out of it but I just kept saying no. He started being overly 'romantic' in the the way he was behaving, talking about how much he adored me and trying to kiss my hands and neck and talking about 'making love to me' I thought it was weird and creepy but he was French and put it down to a mixture of bad translation and him trying to play to stereotype. I told him no but he pushed me back on the bed and started pulling my clothes off.

    I just lay there, I felt tired and my arms and legs were heavy. I told him at lest twice more that I didn't want to and to stop but he kept going. I'm not sure what happened, whether I mentally detached myself or whether he had put something in my drink but I didn't feel anything. I can remember it, he was thrusting into me so hard that I shuttled back across the bed and fell off it twice but he grabbed me back up and kept going. In the end he couldn't orgasm so he pulled out and masturbated over my breasts. When he finished I was just glad it was over so I could go home. He got up and went to roll a joint while I tried to get dressed. When he saw I was dressing he took my clothes and kept them from me. He tried to cajole me to stay as he wanted 'smoke a joint with me, go to sleep and make love again in the morning.' I started getting really upset and demanding my clothes back, telling him I had work in the morning and needed to get home and that I didn't drink so I certainly didn't take drugs and that we had not just made love and wouldn't be doing it again. He laughed and started shouting I'd said no just before but had still wanted it, so I obviously still wanted it again, so shut up and get in bed until he rolled his joint. He'd gone from faux-romantic to mean and nasty.

    Eventually I got my clothes back but he wouldn't let me out of the room as the door was locked with a key. I threatened to start screaming and he opened the door and then shut it again as I went to go. He did that a couple of times and I got frustrated and tried to hit him as I went for the door to stop him closing it again. I failed badly at that attempt and he went insane. He grabbed me around the throat and we fell out the door. He dragged me down the hall and tried to throw me down the concrete stairs. I was terrified and threw myself back, he followed me and held me up against the wall strangling me, telling me I would regret trying to hit him. He tried pulling me back toward the stairs but let go of my throat enough so I was able to scream. A woman came out of another room and intervened and he stalked off back to his room. It's weird thing to remember but he was completely naked except for his socks. She asked if I was ok and seemed really concerned but I just said I was and ran off.

    Instead of going home I went to my friends house to tell her. Her house mate let me in but I couldn't wake her. It was then that I started to wonder if there had been something in my drink. The other thing that makes me wonder that is that 3 nights later I started urinating clotty blood and when I went to the hospital about it I was continually asked what drugs I'd taken recently. Maybe that's just a standard question asked of young people in the A&E at night on the run up to Christmas but it reinforced my belief that something was in that drink he gave me. I used to think it was roofies but I've read their use is very rare, then I wondered if it was GHB, but now I suspect he burned some of his hash into my water as the way I felt seems to correspond with how people describe being really, really stoned. I feel so, so bloody stupid for taking a drink off him but as I'd already agreed to go home with him it never occurred to me that he'd have any reason to try anything untoward. It's also very odd because I feel like this guy raped me even though earlier in the night I wanted to have sex with him but by the time we were at his room I was too out of it to do anything. It makes me unsure of whether I was raped or not, I told him no, he later acknowledged that he knew that but I didn't fight him as I just didn't feel capable. Once I realised he wasn't going to stop I just wanted it to be over and done with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,897 ✭✭✭Kimia


    ^^^

    Sorry that happened to you. :(
    Once I realised he wasn't going to stop I just wanted it to be over and done with.

    This happens so much and it feeds into the guilt. It's a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean you wanted it to happen or that it's your fault. It's how you dealt with a horrific situation by doing what your body thinks is best - protecting yourself from possible violence.

    Bastard. :mad:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 621 ✭✭✭dave3004


    wasislos wrote: »
    I had my ass grabbed a handful of times wen I was better lookin. Jus a bit of fun especially on a nite out. Some lads take it too far wat is this its about dominating the chick thats revolting id pit it down horny joe tbfair. It cud become domoneering cos the girls have all the power and consent the man is ego is that he is the main man the protwctor suppose it goes to their head sometimes proly why so many men in jail

    This made me spit out my morning coffee !


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,047 ✭✭✭Da Shins Kelly


    basically wrote: »
    I haven't read through the whole thread but I think I'm one of those women who was 'basically raped.' It happened when I was 20, it had been a Christmas night out with some people I worked with but by the end of the night it was just me and a close friend in a club. My story isn't drink fuelled, I'm teetotal and I certainly wasn't drinking this night. I met this guy who I was attracted to and we had kissed a few times during the night. Toward the time the bar closed up he asked if I wanted a drink and I asked for a glass of water. I was dancing with my friend while he went to the bar and when he came over to me I took a swig from the glass. It tasted weird, sort of like ashes as if a cigarette had fallen in it, so I put it down, he told me to drink up but I said I didn't want it and left it back down. My friend who was quite drunk picked it up and drank it back.

    A few minutes later I left with the guy and my friend. I had decided to go home with him so we got a taxi together, detoured to my friend's house to drop her home and we went to his place. He was a foreign student and staying in a type of student accommodation where all the students had bedrooms with locks on the door. We went to his room, he locked the door behind him and we started kissing. I was feeling really quite odd and tired and after a few minutes realised I really wanted to just go home. I apologised to him, suggested meeting another time if he wanted but told him I wanted to leave. He tried to talk me out of it but I just kept saying no. He started being overly 'romantic' in the the way he was behaving, talking about how much he adored me and trying to kiss my hands and neck and talking about 'making love to me' I thought it was weird and creepy but he was French and put it down to a mixture of bad translation and him trying to play to stereotype. I told him no but he pushed me back on the bed and started pulling my clothes off.

    I just lay there, I felt tired and my arms and legs were heavy. I told him at lest twice more that I didn't want to and to stop but he kept going. I'm not sure what happened, whether I mentally detached myself or whether he had put something in my drink but I didn't feel anything. I can remember it, he was thrusting into me so hard that I shuttled back across the bed and fell off it twice but he grabbed me back up and kept going. In the end he couldn't orgasm so he pulled out and masturbated over my breasts. When he finished I was just glad it was over so I could go home. He got up and went to roll a joint while I tried to get dressed. When he saw I was dressing he took my clothes and kept them from me. He tried to cajole me to stay as he wanted 'smoke a joint with me, go to sleep and make love again in the morning.' I started getting really upset and demanding my clothes back, telling him I had work in the morning and needed to get home and that I didn't drink so I certainly didn't take drugs and that we had not just made love and wouldn't be doing it again. He laughed and started shouting I'd said no just before but had still wanted it, so I obviously still wanted it again, so shut up and get in bed until he rolled his joint. He'd gone from faux-romantic to mean and nasty.

    Eventually I got my clothes back but he wouldn't let me out of the room as the door was locked with a key. I threatened to start screaming and he opened the door and then shut it again as I went to go. He did that a couple of times and I got frustrated and tried to hit him as I went for the door to stop him closing it again. I failed badly at that attempt and he went insane. He grabbed me around the throat and we fell out the door. He dragged me down the hall and tried to throw me down the concrete stairs. I was terrified and threw myself back, he followed me and held me up against the wall strangling me, telling me I would regret trying to hit him. He tried pulling me back toward the stairs but let go of my throat enough so I was able to scream. A woman came out of another room and intervened and he stalked off back to his room. It's weird thing to remember but he was completely naked except for his socks. She asked if I was ok and seemed really concerned but I just said I was and ran off.

    Instead of going home I went to my friends house to tell her. Her house mate let me in but I couldn't wake her. It was then that I started to wonder if there had been something in my drink. The other thing that makes me wonder that is that 3 nights later I started urinating clotty blood and when I went to the hospital about it I was continually asked what drugs I'd taken recently. Maybe that's just a standard question asked of young people in the A&E at night on the run up to Christmas but it reinforced my belief that something was in that drink he gave me. I used to think it was roofies but I've read their use is very rare, then I wondered if it was GHB, but now I suspect he burned some of his hash into my water as the way I felt seems to correspond with how people describe being really, really stoned. I feel so, so bloody stupid for taking a drink off him but as I'd already agreed to go home with him it never occurred to me that he'd have any reason to try anything untoward. It's also very odd because I feel like this guy raped me even though earlier in the night I wanted to have sex with him but by the time we were at his room I was too out of it to do anything. It makes me unsure of whether I was raped or not, I told him no, he later acknowledged that he knew that but I didn't fight him as I just didn't feel capable. Once I realised he wasn't going to stop I just wanted it to be over and done with.

    That is just one of the scariest things I've ever read. I'm so sorry that happened to you. People like this are seriously terrifying individuals, I don't know how they live with themselves.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Solomon Shrilling Scam


    I'm sorry to hear all these stories and rather appalled at how common it is
    It's just so totally unacceptable that people think it's fine to do these things

    In each case I'd love to track down the assholes involved and -insert violent description here- :rolleyes::(

    I've been lucky in that I've never been assaulted or groped or whatever


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    lazygal wrote: »
    I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

    And reading this thread, I wonder how many men who've sexually assaulted a woman realise that is what they've done.
    bluewolf wrote: »
    I've been lucky in that I've never been assaulted or groped or whatever

    I feel lucky that I've "only" been groped, flashed and had a narrow escape. :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    LittleBook wrote: »
    And reading this thread, I wonder how many men who've sexually assaulted a woman realise that is what they've done.



    I feel lucky that I've "only" been groped, flashed and had a narrow escape. :(

    That's exactly what some of my friends said after the 'basically raped' story, "Oh, thank God I was only flashed by a pervert or groped in a club, it could have been worse'. But I also know from my own experience that its just not a black and white thing where you can march down to the Garda station and report it. Like I said, I see my ex still and I wonder if he can even remember that night, even though we weren't drunk, and if he thinks he was in any way in the wrong. I'm still mind boggled at the number of stories coming out, I am genuinely so sad that so many women have been on the receiving end of what is, at the end of the day, criminal behaviour. And I also wonder how the men reading this thread feel. Do any of them think "Oh, I was way out of line when I felt her up/kissed her without even asking/kept thrusting even though she was trying to push me away"?


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    I'm also sorry that happened to you Basically. Much love and hugs.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 371 ✭✭Catxscotch


    My experience is fairly similar to what happened here. I was 16 and going out with a 21yr old "bad boy". He was known for drug use and things like that, but I was young and foolish.
    He was playing with a band one night and asked me to come along. I did, and he was buying me drinks all night, he hadn't that much to drink as he was playing.
    After he asked me back to his house and we watched a dvd. I was a virgin. We were lying on his bed and started kissing. He asked me was I ready and I said no. We continued kissing and he lay on top of me. He was getting really passionate but I was feeling dizzy from alcohol. I was pushing hiom off as he was much bigger and I felt like I was suffocating, but were were still kissing. He started to undress me and I said Im not ready and he said "just a little bit please I want you" and I said no. He was like "Just a little bit". It reminds me now of those comedies where they are like "Can I put it in??!! He started to have sex with me. I remember pushing him as it was sore but he continued. All I could think was Im going to bleed everywhere. I kind of distanced myself from the situation and was even looking at the film waiting for it to be over. I kind of thought, sex is supposed to be a big thing-it's not so great.
    After, I was in autopilot. My mum came to collect me and I went home. I told my friends the following day, but intead of telling them I felt really uncomfortable I said it was great. I thought as we were going out, and had sex, I couldn't stop going out with him as I would be a slut sleeping with people Im not in a relationship with. I continued seeing him and even slept with him again. Its hard to describe what I was thinking. If I stay with him then it was ok to have lost my virginity to him? As I had now had sex I had to stay with him?
    We broke up soon after. It took me a long time to sleep with anyone again, and I always avoid answering how I lost my virginity. Was it rape if I slept with him again? Why did I do that?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,399 ✭✭✭KamiKazeKitten


    Millicent wrote: »
    What's worse about it is, it almost becomes something which slides into the background. I am hypersensitive to unwanted touching because of abuse at a young age but it amazes me how women who have not been the subject of severe sexual assault (not trying to minimise groping as less than serious, so I hope people know what I mean) become numbed to it so that they don't even register it as frequent.

    It just becomes a normal part of a night out and something to brush off rather than an affront to them personally. I think if more women acknowledged groping for what it is -- a sexual assault -- that the number of self-reported assaults would jump massively.


    Oh, I would definitely agree with you there.

    I think it's down to the sheer volume of attention women get, from stares to catcalls to physical touch...something your average guy will never receive I'll bet. When it's part and parcel of a night out in the city to have your ass or boobs grabbed, most people I know just give the guy a dirty look, or worse treat it like a compliment.

    In my case, I have had all the usual stares, people whispering in your ear what they'd do to you, grinding, grabbing, yadda yadda yadda...it all becomes like so much white noise after a while. And I'm nothing special to look at!

    I've been chased (literally) around a few times, and stalked back to hotels with friends by guys before, but thankfully nothing serious has ever happened, though we've had a few close calls.

    @basically - what can I say? I'm so sorry that ever happened to you. :(
    Much love.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,770 ✭✭✭LeeHoffmann


    Was it rape if I slept with him again? Why did I do that?
    You did it because you were trying to normalise the situation. Yes it was rape. It doesn´t matter what you did after the rape - whatever you do/did after being raped doesn´t change what happened. What he did and what you did are two separate events. What he did was wrong. What you did was survive


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,315 ✭✭✭✭amacachi


    lazygal wrote: »
    I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman.

    In my experience it's similar to this thread. Anyone I've asked has at least had their arse felt in a club out of nowhere. If they were to actually stop and think about it I doubt there's many who haven't had a girl grind against either their crotch on a dancefloor or their leg when sitting in a pub/club. Going by the parameters on this thread personally I've been sexually assaulted by more girls than I've done anything with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,559 ✭✭✭Millicent


    amacachi wrote: »
    In my experience it's similar to this thread. Anyone I've asked has at least had their arse felt in a club out of nowhere. If they were to actually stop and think about it I doubt there's many who haven't had a girl grind against either their crotch on a dancefloor or their leg when sitting in a pub/club. Going by the parameters on this thread personally I've been sexually assaulted by more girls than I've done anything with.

    Have you an issue with the parameters set out in this thread? It's hard to infer tone from a post but it reads like you don't think the parameters set out here constitute a sexual assault. If that is indeed the case, may I ask why?


  • Posts: 5,464 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    amacachi wrote: »
    In my experience it's similar to this thread. Anyone I've asked has at least had their arse felt in a club out of nowhere. If they were to actually stop and think about it I doubt there's many who haven't had a girl grind against either their crotch on a dancefloor or their leg when sitting in a pub/club. Going by the parameters on this thread personally I've been sexually assaulted by more girls than I've done anything with.

    Jesus, you're not in here talking ****e are you?

    I must apologise ladies, this Arse usually saves it for Football threads.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    RVP 11, if you have an issue with a post or poster then please use the report function - personal abuse is not permitted on this forum.

    If anyone is unsure what the purpose of this forum is, whom it is aimed at and what the rules are - please read the forum charter HERE.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    amacachi wrote: »
    In my experience it's similar to this thread. Anyone I've asked has at least had their arse felt in a club out of nowhere. If they were to actually stop and think about it I doubt there's many who haven't had a girl grind against either their crotch on a dancefloor or their leg when sitting in a pub/club. Going by the parameters on this thread personally I've been sexually assaulted by more girls than I've done anything with.

    Have you had some-one stick their hand right up between your legs and feel your crotch as and then walk on in a club? Because this happened to me.

    Don't minimise unwanted touching. If it leaves you feeling violated it is assault pure and simple.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Post deleted.

    tripe-man - this is the Ladies Lounge - a discussion forum for the ladies of boards and this is a serious thread on sexual assault.

    Please do not post in this thread again...and ensure you acquaint yourself with the forum charter before posting in this forum again.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My first time was actually a bit rapey looking back. Me and a girl I'd met clicked really quickly and after kissing (sober on the first day would you believe) we agreed to meet in the evening at the pub. After a few she suggested going to another pub. On the way we went/she brought me into privatish but open spot on the way home.

    I was quite drunk but still conscious of what was going on.

    She was pretty liberalised and got naked quite quickly and performed oral sex whilst I was on the ground. Then without asking she got on top and started actually having sex with me.

    I think she had issues because it really physically hurt my penis which I(about a year later) realised was due to her not being properly wet. So I'm guessing she can't have been enjoying it much either. Mid way through she asked had I done it before and I told her no. She seemed pretty embarrassed/appalled at herself then

    I felt pretty crappy at the the time but not in a feeling raped kind of way ie nothing like the auto-pilot feeling mentioned by posters here. I was more annoyed my losing virginity experience was so crappy. I was also quite aware of STDs and was annoyed and concerned she did it without a condom.

    So do I feel sexually assaulted? Well sort of. I don't have much ill will against the girl. I reckon she thought I was more experienced (I was good with fingers from checking for tips on how to do it online :o) and assumed I wanted sex. Silly assumption but she was a mixed up 17y/o herself. And had I been expecting it... been slightly less drunk and had a chance to stick on a johnny I would have wanted to.

    Though looking back through this post were the genders reversed this story it would have read a lot more sinister


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