SUPPORT for victims of sexual assault thread - mod warning post #1

LegacyUser

I too was raped by my brother and a lot of what you said was the same for me. It took the guards almost 7 years to investigate it and finally they came back and said there was insufficient evidence. I have no contact with my family as they refuse to believe he done that. The victim in Ireland especially in incest cases is not properly protected by familys or the guards.

miec wrote: »

I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences, thank you.

I've been unlucky in this area. I was sexually abused as a child / teenager by a half brother for eight years, starting with assault to full blown rape but I completely dissociated my head from my body. The other half brother was gropey with me and for so long I didn't see it as assault. Besides considering what I endured from the other one it was small fry in comparison.

As a teenager working in a shop I had several old men grope my bottom and chest, one old man tried to pull me into his house when I was delivery a box of groceries to him. I kicked him in the shin and got away.

As a result of the sexual abuse I had no boundaries and no confidence. I was a screwed up young woman who left home. I had sex with a lot of men because that was all I knew about affection. Most of them I regretted but I wasn't raped by them except for one guy. I was drunk and crying because his friend had gone of with another girl. He comforted me and put his arm around me, he tried to kiss me and I moved my head away, I remember him saying I was not like other girls who were whores. I was still crying and he suggested we go to his room so I could talk more freely, I said do you promise not to try it on, he promised. When we got to his room he started kissing me and pulling at my clothes, I said no please, but he ignored me, I didn't fight him or anything, I just regressed, zoned out and let him get on with it. Afterwards I walked around the place like a zombie until I found my friend's car and waited for her. Initially I thought I was to blame because I was drunk, I went to his room and I didn't fight him but it was rape and I was not to blame because just before this happened I had met another guy, we went to his room and we were about to have sex, he even had his trousers down and for some reason I blurted out that I couldn't do this, and he pulled his trousers up and walked me home. He was a decent man.

The next time I was sexually assaulted was an ex of mine, he forced me to have anal sex and said a number of derogatory words at me. He did that a couple of times but he was a violent man anyway.

I have had another man force oral sex on me in a violent way until I punched him in the chest, which I am glad I did.

I've been groped countless times both as a teenager in crowded places and in nightclubs. I get very anxious now if people are in my body space.

I have had the courage to finally report what my half brother did to me, both to the social services as he now has children and to the guards but let me tell you the process is not easy, it is incredibly stressful and I have had very little support. I have no contact with my family as they want me to keep quiet about it and pretend it never happened (despite a sister of mine killing herself because of what he did to her as well)

I have to keep complaining to the guards as the case is not progressing (they are two and a half years still investigating things). I've moved location to feel safer, I have a good job and provide for my child but I'll be honest I often feel very lonely and isolated because I have no family to fall back on or help me, I have no one, not even relatives and the friends that I know are more acquaintances and I often think why would I bother them with all this heavy ****. I've been to counselling and it has helped me enormously but there is only so much a counsellor can help with. I realise that I carry this stuff inside me all the time as I smile and get on with life and I try to rebuild the mess of my past. I'm getting there and I see myself more as survivor than a victim these days but it is tough too. It is not easy reporting someone and there is still a lot of blame put on victims. I have been told in the case of sexual abuse as a child and the rape / assaults as an adult as to why did I let it happen, you could have done this or that to prevent but the bottom line is these acts are wrong. The people committing the act shouldn't be doing it, whether it is done a male or a female.

Millicent

Really sorry to hear it, Happy7. If your family refuse to believe you, you're probably better off without them in your life, sadly. Hope you're doing okay now.x

miec

I too was raped by my brother and a lot of what you said was the same for me. It took the guards almost 7 years to investigate it and finally they came back and said there was insufficient evidence. I have no contact with my family as they refuse to believe he done that. The victim in Ireland especially in incest cases is not properly protected by familys or the guards.

That must have been devasting for you being let down by the guards and your family. There is no excuse for them to take that long. I decided a couple of months ago to go to the Garda Ombudsman (you can only report the issue within six months of the event or if it is currently ongoing) and they have taken on board my complaint. To date my dealings with the Garda Ombudsman have been excellent, for the first time I feel like I am being heard and properly treated. Not every case can be taken on and unfortunately in your case it is too late now but for anyone who is dealing with a similar issue like mine and getting nowhere should contact the ombudsman and they may be able to help.

I have since learned happy7 that most survivors of abuse within families are excluded and not believed by their family members. Easier to deny it than face up to the truth. How are you coping now? Do you regret reporting it or did it make you stronger?

Dinxminx

These stories have made me heartachingly sad. I think sexual assault is so common in Ireland and people just don't name it for what it is because that would make it something serious and large and unwieldy.

I met a girl one night at a house party. She seemed nice but I'd only had a short conversation with her really. A large group of us went into town and at about 2am I bumped into her - she was very upset about something and wanted to leave, but didn't want to leave on her own. I told her I would walk her out and get a taxi with her, took her by the hand and started to make my way through the crowd. Halfway across I felt a yank and when I turned to see what had happened I saw her whirl around and slap a man across the face. She then turned to me and pushed me forward, so I was propelled towards the door. Once we were almost there I could hear her trying to talk in my ear, she was saying that he had stuck his hand up her skirt and grabbed her so hard that it had hurt her. She had tears in her eyes and was quite upset. I patted her on the shoulder while she said that she never reacts to situations violently but she had just felt so-

By then we were in the hallway on the way to the outside door of the club. Suddenly the guy she had slapped barged into the two of us, grabbed her by the neck and pinned her up against the wall, shouting "YOU THINK YOU CAN SLAP ME? YOU F*CKING B*TCH. JUST BECAUSE I TOUCH YOU, YOU THINK YOU CAN F*CKING SLAP ME?? YOU F*CKING B*TCH! I'M GOING TO THUMP YOU SO HARD YOU WON'T SEE RIGHT FOR A WEEK, YOU SHOULD BE GLAD I WAS WILLING TO LAY A F*CKING FINGER ON YOU" I wedged myself between them but he was about 6ft 2 (I'm 5ft 1 and the other girl was about 5ft 5) and in what I assume was his drunken, furious haze he was completely focused on her to the point where I was completely invisible to him. I couldn't push him off her. The bouncers were at the other end of the hall and I'm sure they saw and they certainly heard because I was yelling for them, but they completely ignored us. I didn't want to leave her to run up to them because to be honest I was terrified - this man looked capable of just about anything. I was afraid if I turned my back he might drag her back inside and I would lose her. The guy screamed some more insults at her, spat at her, then slammed her head against the wall and stormed back into the crowd.

She was shaking and she just drooped against the wall. She was crying as I helped her to the door and I was so completely disgusted with the bouncers... They asked "is she alright?" and I said "you just saw that she was attacked, what do you think?" They said "which guy? We'll kick him out" and I just saw red. They'd been standing there for the whole time it had taken place and now they were asking? When the guy had disappeared?? I said "you saw him. He was tall, big build, dark hair - he went back into the club." The bouncers just smirked and said "oh, we'll never find him now."

I walked her outside and got a taxi with her. Told her she should make an official complaint or something but she was just... a rag doll. I've been groped before in clubs but that incident has stuck in my mind because it didn't happen to me - because she didn't brush it off, she reacted, and his reaction to her reaction was so absolutely terrifying that it shocked me to my core. Once you see something like that you can't help but wonder if that might happen to you next time you feel like getting angry about someone groping you.

Thanks to everyone who has been brave enough to tell their stories. I have stories of my own but I think this post is long enough now. Starting to think we all have at least one story.

LegacyUser

When I was 24 I went out with a guy that I'd recently met and really liked. We went for a drink in town and after one drink we moved on to another pub - his idea. After one drink there he suggested we go to another pub. As we were walking we passed a building and he said that this was his flat and would I like to come in for a coffee. At first I said no that I should go but he persuaded me to come in for a few minutes.

He locked the door - it had an old fashioned bolt inside that you could only open with this big key. His flat was down in the basement one way in and out no windows. His friends were all watching telly in the sitting room so he said we should watch telly in his room. Again I said that I should really be going home but didn't want to make a fuss so we went to his room. We were chatting and he asked about sex and I said no. We were chatting about why and I said that it would be my first time and I wasn't ready yet. He start saying that maybe he would find someone else and so I said "if that's what you want".

Then he started pinning me to the bed so that I couldnt get my hands free. My dad and two brothers would be considered huge but this was the first time I really understood how much stronger men are. I tried to get free but I couldn't and he was laughing. I said please stop and was nearly crying but he kept laughing but eventually let me up. This happenned a few more times and each time he let me up I said that I have to go but he said stay for a while longer - I kept thinking about the deadbolt on the door and I knew in my gut I wasnt getting out without having sex, and it would be easier to agree so I said ok if he used a condom.

It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. In work the next day I nearly cried everytime I had to sit down. But I've never thought of myself as being raped because I said yes. Still not sure what to think about it and I've never told anyone because it was my own stupid fault.

Tigger99

Dear morto now
It was not your fault. I hope that you can talk to someone you trust, or even the rape crisis centre on 1800 778 888. You must be horribly confused, but you did nothing wrong. *hug*

The_Kew_Tour

I dont post in here as im male and this is for ladies, but I just want to express my sympathy with all you people who have been the Victim in all this.

Not read whole pile, but read 3-4 full stories that made me feel ashamed to call myself male.

Had a friend who was gang raped 4 years ago (not in this country). In the end she took her own life after it. Its something I feel very strongly about and get angry when I hear of such short sentences in Rape cases.

Its actually quiet frightening the amount of women who have encountered such experiences.

Giselle

morto now wrote: »

Still not sure what to think about it and I've never told anyone because it was my own stupid fault.

Please confide in someone you trust or get professional help to sort this out.

You did what you did to spare yourself a worse ordeal. That you were put in that position is NOT your fault. Tell yourself that often.

Not your fault.

LegacyUser

I've read through the entire thread and after reading the posts about rape happening when you're younger stuck in my mind so much I had to post as it can happen at any age. My beautiful, strong, caring mother, who is in her early 60's, was raped at a family wedding last year by a family friend of the bride's (it was my male cousin who got married).
It has literally torn our family apart and it is heart breaking. My Dad feels incredibly guilty that he was having a laugh and a pint with some of his brothers-in-law when my Mum was attacked and my Mum refuses point blank to talk about it but is terrified to go anywhere on her own now. My husband and I have moved closer to my parents to help and it is soul destroying. My parents have been happily married for over 40 years and are traditional quiet country people. My Dad is going to counselling with my Mum, my Mum is going on her own as well but won't talk to her counseller and seems to want to forget the whole thing happened but a few times now I've taken a day off work and popped over to her and she's been crying in the kitchen on her own.
This man who attacked her is a pioneer and hadn't drank a drop of alcohol. He was chatting with my parents throughout the wedding and seemed pleasant enough. My parents were staying in the hotel the wedding was in and my Mum was having a dance with her sisters. She was wearing high heels and went to the room to get the flats she'd packed so she could continue dancing when this animal followed her into her room and raped her. He shot off and my Mum made my Dad bring her home before she told him what happened and they called the police. My poor Mum didn't want to create a scene at some-one's wedding could you believe.
My siblings and my Dad have been supporting my Mum as much as we can but it tears your heart apart to see some-one you love hurting like that. How my mother has the strength to get up every day and go about her business amazes and terrifies me because we know she's pushing it to the back of her mind as much as she can and someday it'll come pouring out. Any man/woman who can do this to another human being is dirt and should be ashamed of themselves. I am so proud of my Mum for reporting this scumbag and of my Dad for being there for her and going to counselling but we all feel so incredibly guilty that this happened her and we weren't there to stop it. My heart goes out to anyone who has been assaulted and from reading the posts here there are so many brave women (and men) out there and I wish I could hug every single one of you and take the pain away from you and from my Mum :-(

Millicent

I'm so, so sorry to hear about what happened to your mum. You and your family should be proud, not only of her strength, but of all your strength in consistently supporting her. I guarantee it means more to her than you could know. You're a fantastic daughter and I wish you all every sympathy I can. I hope the counselling can help her to get some peace in her life though I know that's easier said than done.x

LegacyUser

after reading this whole thread from start to finish. it has rocked my soul and made me feel ashamed to be a man and yet highlighted or made me realise that what i always thought was a dream or a delusion was in fact very real.

this would be 10 yrs ago when i was 7 or 8 i was raped(maybe a better word is molested) not forcefully since the one who did it was only 13 or 14 my sister who called me up to her bed to teach me something(bunk beds) in fact taught me about sex. i didn't realise this until 2 or so years ago despite being sexually aware and masturbating since i was 12, the gravity of what she did has only dawned on me today as i realised that it was indeed real and that i was blocking it out by coping with it as a dream or delusion.

now i still get along really well with her and love her dearly i'm sure she doesn't know what she did or even remembers and that doesn't matter since i know there was no ill intent. not that i can remember clearly, i've always and still do think it was a hormone or puberty driven thing.

now i'm a 17 year old man/boy and even though this happened, i hold no animosity whatsoever towards my sister and so i won't tell any of my family/friends or take action simply because even though i was indeed raped/molested. i've gotten over it. i feel that it has helped shaped who i am. i don't fear women or have any dislike of women because of this incident. i love women and while reading the different storys found myself wishing i could've helped you or been there for you when nobody else was. this could also stem from the fact that only recently in december last year 21st, i considered killing myself(sucide) for different reasons than my rape. i stood in my kitchen doing the maths to find out how i long before (i bled out, was found)etc while sliding a knife gently up and down my left wrist but didn't followed through and decided to wait until after christmas to consider it again and i bounced back life became good again. i didn't feel i was a burden a failure that people would be better off without me.

now i know that only part of this post is relevant but i only gathered the courage to speak about what happened when i was young and at the same time speak about my sucidal consideration today, after reading this thread full of those who despite soul breaking experiences still walk on through life has inspired me to speak about my own experiences. now i know parts are nonsensical but i have tried to say it the best way i can.
this is the first time i talked about either of my experiences though i have mentioned to a brother and my mam that i was depressed but not sucidal and i probably won't.

Giselle

my_experiences wrote: »

now i know that only part of this post is relevant but i only gathered the courage to speak about what happened when i was young and at the same time speak about my sucidal consideration today, after reading this thread full of those who despite soul breaking experiences still walk on through life has inspired me to speak about my own experiences. now i know parts are nonsensical but i have tried to say it the best way i can.
this is the first time i talked about either of my experiences though i have mentioned to a brother and my mam that i was depressed but not sucidal and i probably won't.

Keep speaking out. Don't deny yourself the right to be angry at what your sister did, she was certainly old enough to know it was wrong, and what she did was a crime. You don't have to forgive her. You can be angry, and if you are, it helps to let it out.

Tell someone how you feel, don't bottle it up. Find a trusted relative or friend or ask your GP for a referral to a councellor, and tell that GP about your suicidal thoughts. You don't have to feel like this, and the sooner you get help, the sooner you can live a happy life, free from those thoughts.

Your sister committed a crime. You were the victim of that crime, and you need support. There is absolutely no shame, no weakness, no guilt, no blame, that can be ascribed to you.

Good luck.

Madam_X

The_Kew_Tour wrote: »

I dont post in here as im male and this is for ladies, but I just want to express my sympathy with all you people who have been the Victim in all this.

Not read whole pile, but read 3-4 full stories that made me feel ashamed to call myself male.

Had a friend who was gang raped 4 years ago (not in this country). In the end she took her own life after it. Its something I feel very strongly about and get angry when I hear of such short sentences in Rape cases.

Its actually quiet frightening the amount of women who have encountered such experiences.

Dude, don't ever feel ashamed to be male - you don't represent those bastards.

The_Kew_Tour

Madam_X wrote: »

Dude, don't ever feel ashamed to be male - you don't represent those bastards.

True. I guess its just sad that there are more creepy and dangerous people out there then I thought.

WhimSock

True, well the stats say 1 in 4 people have been sexually assaulted. I wonder what the stats are for assaulters?

ima_goldfish!

How do you mean the stats for assaulters? Like how many of them have been abused themselves? Or more like how many people have been convicted of sexual assault? Youll never even get close to the real figure when it comes to people who have assault other people because both the majority of women and men never come forward and tell people.

Ickle Magoo

Folks - can you please read the warning clearly highlighted in the thread title - this isn't the appropriate thread for musing over statistics.

Cheers.

As per site rules - if you wish to comment on/discuss this post, please do so only via PM.

miec

after reading this whole thread from start to finish. it has rocked my soul and made me feel ashamed to be a man and yet highlighted or made me realise that what i always thought was a dream or a delusion was in fact very real.

this would be 10 yrs ago when i was 7 or 8 i was raped(maybe a better word is molested) not forcefully since the one who did it was only 13 or 14 my sister who called me up to her bed to teach me something(bunk beds) in fact taught me about sex. i didn't realise this until 2 or so years ago despite being sexually aware and masturbating since i was 12, the gravity of what she did has only dawned on me today as i realised that it was indeed real and that i was blocking it out by coping with it as a dream or delusion.

now i still get along really well with her and love her dearly i'm sure she doesn't know what she did or even remembers and that doesn't matter since i know there was no ill intent. not that i can remember clearly, i've always and still do think it was a hormone or puberty driven thing.

My_experiences, for many years I said the above about my brother, the age difference is similar but the truth is that not many sisters do that to their younger brothers, it is very rare, and your sister abused and sexually molested you, she forced you to do something you had no conception off. There could be a number of reasons why but please do acknowledge the pain it caused you, you can still love your sibling but hate what they did.

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

My_experiences, for many years I said the above about my brother, the age difference is similar but the truth is that not many sisters do that to their younger brothers, it is very rare, and your sister abused and sexually molested you, she forced you to do something you had no conception off. There could be a number of reasons why but please do acknowledge the pain it caused you, you can still love your sibling but hate what they did.

i know what you mean and i do hate what she did but i can kinda see why she did it/her reasoning this is just speculation on my part but for me it would be akin to children playing doctors and going too far. i guess i feel that there was no ill intent or badness in her actions. she didn't fully comprehend the gravity and nature of her actions. it's hard to put it and i do acknowledge the pain it caused, but it was a once off thing, which doesn't lessen her actions or made them acceptable or excuse them but for me i guess i'm happy to think that it was due to a lack of understanding on her part

strandroad

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Ambersky

I came across an excellent article on a topic which is rarely discussed and that is Adult Survivors Continuing Relationships with Abusive Family.
The article was so well written and obviously by someone who had extensive knowledge of the area I went looking to find out more about the website it cane from.

The website is called Pandoras Projecthttp://www.pandorasproject.org/

It has a forum, message boards and chat rooms and lots of interesting articles on understanding and surviving sexual abuse. It also gives assistance to researchers, family and friends.
Well worth a look in my opinion and could be of benefit to some of the posters here.