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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

11415171920196

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    ***************
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good

    Hey guys you can see our house from up here


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,733 ✭✭✭StupidLikeAFox


    Heard Ian Dempsey play a clip of Vincent Browne trying to tell a joke the other morning, went something like this (read it in VB's voice):

    Oh the joke for the people in the United Arab Emirates, what was it, ehh...oh yea... the simpsons....eh...people dont like the simpsons in dubai, but eh, they like them in Abu Dhabi


    for the record the proper joke is, "People in Dubai dont like the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,498 ✭✭✭Jamie Starr


    My great-grand uncle Hector was what us modern day people would call a hobo, in 1920's Canada, at the height of the depression. Hector would ride the rails with a group of friends, living from hand to mouth as they went from town to town.

    However, there was one stop on the line few vagrants dared to get off at. In the small town of Kichener, there was a railroad cop reknowned for his brutality when it came to dealing with guys like my uncle Hector, named Kichener Leslie. The man was a mean son of a bitch, and if he caught you stumbing about his town late at night drunk and hungry (as my great-grand uncle often was), he had been known to beat these so-called dregs of society to death.

    In a cruel twist of fate though, Kichener was in those days a prosperous mining town, and Uncle Hector was desperate for work- he was an honest man. So Hector got off at Kichener, and decided he'd lay low and work for the local mining company. He went in to McIntyre Mine's and asked for a job, but the foreman said there wasn't anything going. Hector replied: "I'll be damned if there's a man better than I for the job. How many people work here?" "500, sir." "Well, I bet there ain't a man in the 500 better than I." And what do you know, he got the job.

    So my great-grand uncle Hector works for the mine, and he works himself right down to the bone. After the first week, he said to the foreman: " Hey, uh, what does a man have to do 'round here to find a woman to lay with?" The foreman says: "Well, uh, we don't..we have sex with animals in this town." Uncle Hector replies, astonished: "You do what?! Why, I'm a normal fella, I'm not gonna do that!" The foreman shrugged and left Hector "to his own devices".

    Hector continued to work in the mine, and did so untiringly, and for low pay too. But like you and me, Hector was a human, a man, he had needs. He felt an itch. But he kept it under control. He asked again "Are you sure there's no women in this town." The foreman reiterated: "No, just animals."

    Six months go by, and Hector can take it any more. He told my grand-father when he was of age: "I was weak of spirit at the time, I..by God I was just a man, not a saint! I was born in sin I suppose, and I couldn't resist temptation." So Uncle Hector was walking along by a green pasture one clear April morning, and saw a pig.

    So Uncle Hector began to have sex with the pig, but it wasn't too long before a couple of the other miners saw him and began shouting at him, and he was very soon surrounded.

    "Hector! What in the name of all that's holy are you doing!??" they hollered.

    Hector indignantly replied:

    "What?! You were the ones that told me you only had sex with animals here!"

    "Hector, you damn fool!" they said. "That's Kichener Leslie's girlfriend!!".

    Of all the animals to have sex with..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good Friday?

    Don't you wànkers be touching my Easter Eggs. I'll be back on Monday.

    Was he not back on Sunday :confused:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭Rick Deckard


    Originally Posted by Savage Tyrant viewpost.gif
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good Friday?

    Don't you wànkers be touching my Easter Eggs. I'll be back on Monday.


    kfallon wrote: »
    Was he not back on Sunday :confused:

    No way man, Jesus invented the four day weekend!! Thats why so many people believe his crap..


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,415 ✭✭✭Lord Trollington


    My Girlfriend broke up with because she says I was "too kinky".

    I nearly spat her piss out when she told me.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection but she did.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,012 ✭✭✭Plazaman


    kfallon wrote: »
    An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman all end up in court and they are no strangers to the judge having been in front of him before.

    "Oh my Christ,.." says the judge, "..not you three again. I'm sick of the sight of you lot. You must have been in front of this court a dozen times already this year but today we're going to sort this out once and for all."

    He continued... "As you know I'm a dog lover so here's what we are going to do. If you can't sing me a song with a dog in it you're going down for a fvcking long time, fair enough ?"

    The three crims nodded in unison.

    The judge says to the Englishman "Right, come on, let's have it. A song with a dog in it. Go."

    So the Englishman strikes up... "How much is that doggie in the window, the one with.."

    "Right, OK, good enough.." interrupts the judge, "..case dismissed, you're free to go."

    Next the judge addresses the Scotsman.. "OK jock it's your turn now...give me a song with a dog in it."

    So the jock breaks into song.. "Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow, bow-wow, Daddy wouldn't..."

    Again the judge interrupts mid song.. "All right all right, that's good enough for me. Case dismissed, you're free to go."

    So then the judge turns to the Irishman and says "Right Paddy, here's your chance. Gimme a song with a dog in it."

    So Paddy clears his throat and starts up..."Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night, what were the chances..."

    The judge stops Paddy mid song song and launches into him... "Ha ha you cunt. You're never going to see daylight again you my son..."

    But before he could finish his tirade Paddy interrupts the judge... "Wait a fucking minute there milord...if you'd just let me finish the fucking song....Scooby Dooby dooo, la la la la la...."


    *shakes fist* Damn you Sir, now I'll be singing it all day.....

    ta-two two two two two, one eight ninety.......


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    ***************
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good

    Hey guys you can see our house from up here

    Was that a joke:D


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    hondasam wrote: »
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

    oh Dear god:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 578 ✭✭✭Elba101


    Don't know where i heard this one but...


    This week's Yeast Club meeting is now in session.

    All rise.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 807 ✭✭✭groovie


    Two nuns are out driving late at night, they come to a red light and a vampire jumps out in front of the car.
    First Nun: Quick, show him your cross.
    Second Nun (rolls down the window): Hey vampire, **** Off!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

    All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1 tbone83


    A nice looking gentleman walks into a small country inn and lays 100 dollars on the counter. He rests his hand on the bill and tells the innkeeper, "I'm going upstairs to inspect your rooms. If I find a suitable room, I'll stay the night and you can keep the money." The gentleman walks away and goes upstairs to check on the rooms.

    Once he disappears up the stairs, the innkeeper snatches the $100 and immediately runs down the street to pay the butcher the $100 bill he owes him. The butcher takes the $100 and runs over to the hog farmer and pays the hog farmer his $100 credit. The hog farmer takes the $100 bill and runs to the co-op to pay off the $100 loan. The co-op owner, being an ugly and lonely man, runs to the town's hooker and pays off the $100 tab he owed her. The hooker is ecstatic! She can finally pay the innkeeper the $100 she owed him for using his rooms for her business. The town rejoices. Everyone has paid off their creditors!

    Now that the innkeeper has been paid by the hooker, he puts the $100 dollars back on the counter. The gentleman returns to the desk and informs the innkeeper that none of his rooms were up to his standards and takes the $100 bill and walks out the door.

    Everyone has been paid but no new revenue has been produced.

    And that, my fine friends, is your economy in a nutshell.

    No, it ain't. I hate when smug people use this one. It's nowhere near as smart as you think it is.

    In this instance noone would have claimed extra revenue has been created. They all provided a service to another person and were paid. End of.

    Back on topic:

    What's the main cause of paedophilia?



    Sexy Kids


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 732 ✭✭✭ynul31f47k6b59


    A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to pull him out quickly. The chicken runs off, but can't find the farmer. So the chicken hops into the farmer's Mercedes and drives back to the horse. He ties some rope around the bumper and throws the other end down to the horse, tells him to tie himself on, and drives forward to pull the horse out to safety.

    A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the same spot and the chicken falls into the hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get the farmer, but the horse replies "It's okay, I can get you out." The horse stands over the hole and tells the chicken to grab hold of his cock. The chicken grabs on and the horse pulls him to safety.

    Moral of the story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    I saw a Muslim freedom fighter today.

    Well, I say freedom fighter......He's Ahmed, my divorce Lawyer.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,105 ✭✭✭beano345


    why did the washing machine laugh?

    because he was taking the piss outta the knickers


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,438 ✭✭✭TwoShedsJackson


    Driving along in his new sports car, a guy decides to impress his girlfriend by doing 80 mph in it. She reckons this is really exciting, so leans over to him and says 'if you speed up to 90, I'll take my top and bra off!'

    He does so, she strips off her top and bra and he's having a great time checking her out, then she leans over again and says 'speed up to 100 and I'll take my trousers off'.

    He speeds up again, she whips off her trousers, he's having trouble staying on the road now. She leans over and says 'speed up to 120 and I'll take my knickers off'.

    He speeds up, she takes off her knickers, he's so distracted gawking over at her that he swerves off the road and into a field. Car crashes upside down and she's thrown clear, stark naked, he's stuck in the driver's seat, can't get out.

    'Here!' he shouts 'get over to that farmhouse and tell whoever lives there we crashed and call an ambulance!'

    'I can't go!' she shouts, 'I'm naked!'. 'Get one of my shoes off then and use that to cover yourself so' he says.

    So she runs up to the farmhouse holding one of his shoes over her crotch, rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.

    'Please help!' she shouts 'my boyfriend is trapped and we have to get him out!'

    The farmer takes one look at her and says 'look love if he's stuck that far in there's not much I can do'.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Galway K9 wrote: »
    Whats the difference between a Dublin Northsider and batman?




    Batman can go shopping without robin!:D

    How do you know a southside girl has had an orgasm?

    She drops her accent.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭PeterIanStaker


    A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town.

    One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he's got the biggest knob around.

    “Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”

    “That's it?” asks the drunk.

    “Yup,” says Bubba.

    So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭PeterIanStaker


    How do you know a southside girl has had an orgasm?

    She drops her accent.

    How do you know a northside girl has had an orgasm?

    She drops her bag of chips


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    How do you know a northside girl has had an orgasm?

    She drops her bag of chips

    what does a southsider do when he loses his car keys? calls daddy and asks him to buy him a roles royce

    what does a southsider do when he wants to go watch a rugby game?
    calls daddy and asks him to buy him the all blacks

    what does a southsider do when he gets a girlfriend? absoloutely nothing hoping he will someday lose his virginity


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,256 ✭✭✭Ronin247


    How do you know a southside girl has had an orgasm?

    She drops her accent.
    How do you know a northside girl has had an orgasm?

    She drops her bag of chips

    North side girls get fake diamonds and real orgasms, South side girls get real diamonds.....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,222 ✭✭✭✭Will I Amnt


    Elba101 wrote: »
    Don't know where i heard this one but...


    This week's Yeast Club meeting is now in session.

    All rise.
    Oh that reminds me,what do you get when you cross Billy ray Cyrus with thrush??
    An itchy twitchy twat


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

    The barman says, "That's not like you."


  • Registered Users, Subscribers, Registered Users 2 Posts: 47,344 ✭✭✭✭Zaph


    Two nuns were cycling through an old part of Rome.
    First Nun: I've never come this way before.
    Second Nun: That'll be the cobbles.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also,
    I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.

    "Any comments?"

    His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Zaph wrote: »
    Two nuns were cycling through an old part of Rome.
    First Nun: I've never come this way before.
    Second Nun: That'll be the cobbles.

    mother superior shouts at nighttime:

    OK GIRLS, LIGHTS OUT AT 11 CANDLES OUT AT HALF


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 268 ✭✭theboat


    Two fella's are chatting over a few pints. One of them says to the other,
    -You know, you're my best friend, and you've been so good to me over the years. I'd do anything for you. If I had two dogs, I'd give you one!

    His friend replies,
    -"If you had two cars, would you give me one?"
    -"I would!

    -What about if you had two houses?
    -I would, I'd give you one of them!

    -If you had two bicycles, would you give me one?
    -Ah, come on now. You know I've two bicycles...



    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A fish.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 394 ✭✭clonadlad


    Two chemists go to a bar. The first one says "I'll have an H-2-O". Then the second one says "I'll have an H-2-O too". He died.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 56 ✭✭FionnRua


    Whats the difference between a duck?
    One of his legs are both the same

    How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    Unique up behind it

    How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    Tame way


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    FionnRua wrote: »
    Whats the difference between a duck?
    One of his legs are both the same

    How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    Unique up behind it

    How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    Tame way

    please leave the internet immediately


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23 Logfire


    A man enters his local one Sunday afternoon sporting a brand new black eye. All his drinking buddies are dying to know what happened as he was a quiet lad and was never one for fighting.
    After he his pint was ordered and served, he began to tell the story of how he got the black eye. This is what he told.

    ‘I was at mass this morning and was kneeling down at my usual seat when a big fat woman comes in and kneels down at the seat in front of me.’
    ‘I couldn’t help but notice that some folds of her dress were trapped between the cheeks of her arse. Then, before I knew what was happening, a young fella of 5 or 6 yearsof age who was sitting in the same seat as myself leaned forward and yanked the dress out of her arse’.
    ‘Well… she was a little unimpressed and, looking around, all she could see was me sniggering, as the young lad was hiding behind me by now. She swung around with the handbag like an Olympic hammer thrower, and the result is the black eye you can see now. She must have thought I had done the deed’

    Well there was some evening had after that tale and our hero was the butt of all the jokes as you might expect. However, this is not the end of the story.
    All returns to normal till the following Sunday afternoon when the same man enters the local and lo and behold, he has a shiner on the other eye.
    There was all manner of guessing as to what happened this time but nobody was the wiser until the pint was pulled and on the counter. Then the remainder of the story came to light. This is part two of what he told on how he got the other black eye.

    ‘I was at mass again this morning and it was just like last week. The same young fella was there and the same fat woman came in and knelt down in front of me. Sure enough, the dress was caught between the cheeks of her arse again. Quick as a flash, the young fella leaned forward and whipped it out again.’
    ‘Well I had learned my lesson from last week, and I knew she hated that, so I just leaned forward and pushed it in again!’


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    FionnRua wrote: »
    Whats the difference between a duck?
    One of his legs are both the same

    How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    Unique up behind it

    How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    Tame way


    and I thought the crisis in Japan was a tragedy??:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 701 ✭✭✭Cathaoirleach


    What did the Garda say to the motorist?
    "Show us yer license or I'll rape ye".


  • Registered Users Posts: 128 ✭✭messi1985


    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says 'Can u please call over, I have a puzzle and I dont know how to assesmble it.' The boyfriend asks 'What's it meant to be when it's finished' 'A rooster' she replied. She shows him the puzzle. He studied the pieces, looked at the box and says to her 'Firstly, this puzzle will never be assembled.' He takes her hand 'Secondly, I want you to relax, have a cup of tea' He takes a deep sigh and finally says........ 'and u can put the Cornflakes back in the box'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,667 ✭✭✭policarp


    The reverend mother came out one morning and found the nuns squabbling over whose turn it was next on the bicycle.
    "Oh Holy God sisters", she says, "If you don't stop squabbling I'm going to put the saddle back on the bike".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,065 ✭✭✭crazygeryy


    husband and wife lying in bed and the wife said i had a dream last night they were auctioning off penises.10$ for fat ones and 20$ for long ones.and the husband says and what were the selling ones like mine for?
    she says they were giving them away.

    next day they were in bed again and the husband says i had a dream last night they were auctioning off pussys.1000$ for shaved ones and 2000$ for tight ones.and the wife says what were they selling ones like mine for?
    husband says: THATS WHERE THEY HELD THE AUCTION.


  • Registered Users Posts: 881 ✭✭✭cosanostra


    Republican newspaper An Phoblacht has beat off Hello magazine for rights to the Royal wedding. A spokesman for the paper said they paid quite a lot considering they only wanted one shot!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭NedLowry


    Eddie the head was born with no body, no arms, and no legs. All he had was a head. But despite this major birth defect, his parents still loved him very much. So on his sixteenth birthday, his parents found a doctor that could surgically give Eddie a body. When the parents got home, they couldn't wait to tell him that he could finally have a body and be like other normal people. When Eddie got there, they were really excited and said, "Have we got a surprise for you. It's the best present ever!" And Eddie replied, "Oh no, not another hat!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    A woman was sacked today from the local sperm bank......





























    ......apparently she was caught drinking on the job :pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,015 ✭✭✭Paddy Samurai


    A guy walks into the Doctor's office, he has a carrot in his ear and a parsnip up his nose.
    Doctor he says I'm not feeling well.

    I think I know whats wrong says the Doctor















    ...............your not eating properly.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,546 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    Patient: Doctor, I've a terrible headache, I feel nausious, I see spots in front of my eyes, I get dizzy spells, my nose is all blocked up and one of my ears are blocked...

    Doctor: You're ugly too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,672 ✭✭✭ScummyMan


    The family living next door to Tom had a baby boy, but he was born with no ears. After a few days Tom and his parents went to visit the baby, and Tom was warned not to say anything about the ears. When he saw the baby, Tom said to its mother "What a beautiful baby. How is his eyesight?"
    "Perfect" its mother replyed proudly.



    "Thats good" said Tom, "cause he would be screwed if he needed glasses!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 944 ✭✭✭loremolis


    "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of their authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    loremolis wrote: »
    "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of there authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

    86.6% of people agree with that :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    loremolis wrote: »
    "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of there authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

    Abraham Lincoln had the internet:confused:


    :D:D:D:D:D LOVE IT


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

    Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

    The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

    "You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

    "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

    "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,921 ✭✭✭Gophur


    loremolis wrote: »
    "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of there authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

    He must have been an illiterate fukwit too, he didn't know the difference between "there" and "their"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 944 ✭✭✭loremolis


    Gophur wrote: »
    He must have been an illiterate fukwit too, he didn't know the difference between "there" and "their"

    He said it in Mandarin dialect Chinese so maybe the error arose in the translation.

    Anyway, I've fixed it so you can sleep well tonight.:)


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