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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #782
    the varg
    Registered Users Posts: 79 ✭✭the varg


    From tomorrow viagra will now be sold by it's trade name.

    Customers are requested to ask for MYCOXAFLOPIN


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    #783
    heffo500
    Registered Users Posts: 963 ✭✭✭heffo500


    A fireman runs into an office holding a screwdriver and shouts ''Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill.''


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    #784
    dj jarvis
    Registered Users Posts: 3,485 ✭✭✭dj jarvis


    senorwipesalot wrote: »
    KNOCK KNOCK


    WHOS THERE?


    SIOBHAN.


    SIOBHAN WHO?


    SIOBHAN YER KNICKERS ,YOUR MOTHERS COMING.


    am i the only one who heard this in a northern accent ?


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    #785
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


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    #786
    callaway92
    Registered Users Posts: 14,390 ✭✭✭✭callaway92


    posting in a legendary thread.


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    #787
    jimpump
    Registered Users Posts: 830 ✭✭✭jimpump


    Yer Ma is so.................................

    it never gets old


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    #788
    Savage Tyrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives, where people that knock on the door are let inside without a thorough inspection of their identity, and electricians are left to carry out light replacements with out any inquiries into staff numbers.


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    #789
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman all end up in court and they are no strangers to the judge having been in front of him before.

    "Oh my Christ,.." says the judge, "..not you three again. I'm sick of the sight of you lot. You must have been in front of this court a dozen times already this year but today we're going to sort this out once and for all."

    He continued... "As you know I'm a dog lover so here's what we are going to do. If you can't sing me a song with a dog in it you're going down for a fvcking long time, fair enough ?"

    The three crims nodded in unison.

    The judge says to the Englishman "Right, come on, let's have it. A song with a dog in it. Go."

    So the Englishman strikes up... "How much is that doggie in the window, the one with.."

    "Right, OK, good enough.." interrupts the judge, "..case dismissed, you're free to go."

    Next the judge addresses the Scotsman.. "OK jock it's your turn now...give me a song with a dog in it."

    So the jock breaks into song.. "Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow, bow-wow, Daddy wouldn't..."

    Again the judge interrupts mid song.. "All right all right, that's good enough for me. Case dismissed, you're free to go."

    So then the judge turns to the Irishman and says "Right Paddy, here's your chance. Gimme a song with a dog in it."

    So Paddy clears his throat and starts up..."Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night, what were the chances..."

    The judge stops Paddy mid song song and launches into him... "Ha ha you cunt. You're never going to see daylight again you my son..."

    But before he could finish his tirade Paddy interrupts the judge... "Wait a fucking minute there milord...if you'd just let me finish the fucking song....Scooby Dooby dooo, la la la la la...."


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    #790
    im invisible
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,372 ✭✭✭im invisible


    whats black and white and eats like a horse?




    a zebra


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    #791
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:

    "I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"

    So off he goes, knocks on the door, and sure enough a bloke in Union Jack shorts opens the door:

    Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"

    The bloke says: "Fuck off you Spanish cunt"


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    #792
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Bloke goes to the opticians -
    The optician says "I'm afraid your going to have to stop ****"
    Bloke:"why, will I go blind?"
    Optician: "no, but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room"


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    #793
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    My grandfather was killed in Auschwitz. Apparently he got pissed and fell out of the watchtower


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    #794
    Elba101
    Registered Users Posts: 578 ✭✭✭Elba101


    As a person of Jewish descent, I don't take kindly to jokes about us Jews.
    I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
    But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

    So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.


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    #795
    Savage Tyrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good Friday?

    Don't you wànkers be touching my Easter Eggs. I'll be back on Monday.


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    #796
    thecornflake
    Registered Users Posts: 784 ✭✭✭thecornflake


    Elba101 wrote: »
    As a person of Jewish descent, I don't take kindly to jokes about us Jews.
    I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
    But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

    So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

    Thats not funny . . . . . anne frankly it's offensive.


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    #797
    Captain Darling
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,542 ✭✭✭Captain Darling


    Whats worse then a cardboard box?

    Paper tits.


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    #798
    Warper
    Registered Users Posts: 5,377 ✭✭✭Warper


    Chuck Norris has his own website - its called the internet.


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    #799
    BEASTERLY
    Registered Users Posts: 1,789 ✭✭✭BEASTERLY


    A blind man and his guide dog walk into a store on the high street. The dog leads him to the middle of the store.

    Here the blind man picks the dog up by the tail a swings it around violently over his head.

    The manager of the store rushes over and asks him if is alright.

    To this the man replies, ''Yea im fine, im just having a look around''.


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    #800
    longshanks
    Registered Users Posts: 4,990 ✭✭✭longshanks


    Who waves a blue and white scarf and sings with Miami Sound machine?

    Gloria Leicester fan.


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    #801
    longshanks
    Registered Users Posts: 4,990 ✭✭✭longshanks


    A mother superior and two young nuns are painting the main hall of their convent. Due to problems with the plumbing the heating is stuck on and they are really starting to feel it. So the mother superior suggests they strip out of the habits and continue to paint naked.
    Anywho, after about an hour of this there was a knock on the door

    Knockity knock

    Who is it? said the mother superior

    Just the blind man came the reply

    So with a cheeky wink the mother superior suggests they let this blind man in for a rest, and also that there'll be no need to get dressed again. The two young nuns agree thinking it'll be a laugh

    Come on in says the mother superior, its not locked

    The door opens and in walks a chap in overalls.
    Lookin good ladies he says, now where do you want me to hang these blinds?


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    #802
    tfitzgerald
    Registered Users Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    ***************
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good

    Hey guys you can see our house from up here


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    #803
    StupidLikeAFox
    Registered Users Posts: 7,699 ✭✭✭StupidLikeAFox


    Heard Ian Dempsey play a clip of Vincent Browne trying to tell a joke the other morning, went something like this (read it in VB's voice):

    Oh the joke for the people in the United Arab Emirates, what was it, ehh...oh yea... the simpsons....eh...people dont like the simpsons in dubai, but eh, they like them in Abu Dhabi


    for the record the proper joke is, "People in Dubai dont like the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do!


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    #804
    Jamie Starr
    Registered Users Posts: 1,498 ✭✭✭Jamie Starr


    My great-grand uncle Hector was what us modern day people would call a hobo, in 1920's Canada, at the height of the depression. Hector would ride the rails with a group of friends, living from hand to mouth as they went from town to town.

    However, there was one stop on the line few vagrants dared to get off at. In the small town of Kichener, there was a railroad cop reknowned for his brutality when it came to dealing with guys like my uncle Hector, named Kichener Leslie. The man was a mean son of a bitch, and if he caught you stumbing about his town late at night drunk and hungry (as my great-grand uncle often was), he had been known to beat these so-called dregs of society to death.

    In a cruel twist of fate though, Kichener was in those days a prosperous mining town, and Uncle Hector was desperate for work- he was an honest man. So Hector got off at Kichener, and decided he'd lay low and work for the local mining company. He went in to McIntyre Mine's and asked for a job, but the foreman said there wasn't anything going. Hector replied: "I'll be damned if there's a man better than I for the job. How many people work here?" "500, sir." "Well, I bet there ain't a man in the 500 better than I." And what do you know, he got the job.

    So my great-grand uncle Hector works for the mine, and he works himself right down to the bone. After the first week, he said to the foreman: " Hey, uh, what does a man have to do 'round here to find a woman to lay with?" The foreman says: "Well, uh, we don't..we have sex with animals in this town." Uncle Hector replies, astonished: "You do what?! Why, I'm a normal fella, I'm not gonna do that!" The foreman shrugged and left Hector "to his own devices".

    Hector continued to work in the mine, and did so untiringly, and for low pay too. But like you and me, Hector was a human, a man, he had needs. He felt an itch. But he kept it under control. He asked again "Are you sure there's no women in this town." The foreman reiterated: "No, just animals."

    Six months go by, and Hector can take it any more. He told my grand-father when he was of age: "I was weak of spirit at the time, I..by God I was just a man, not a saint! I was born in sin I suppose, and I couldn't resist temptation." So Uncle Hector was walking along by a green pasture one clear April morning, and saw a pig.

    So Uncle Hector began to have sex with the pig, but it wasn't too long before a couple of the other miners saw him and began shouting at him, and he was very soon surrounded.

    "Hector! What in the name of all that's holy are you doing!??" they hollered.

    Hector indignantly replied:

    "What?! You were the ones that told me you only had sex with animals here!"

    "Hector, you damn fool!" they said. "That's Kichener Leslie's girlfriend!!".

    Of all the animals to have sex with..


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    #805
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Savage Tyrant wrote: »
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good Friday?

    Don't you wànkers be touching my Easter Eggs. I'll be back on Monday.

    Was he not back on Sunday :confused:


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    #806
    Rick Deckard
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭Rick Deckard


    Originally Posted by Savage Tyrant viewpost.gif
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good Friday?

    Don't you wànkers be touching my Easter Eggs. I'll be back on Monday.

    kfallon wrote: »
    Was he not back on Sunday :confused:

    No way man, Jesus invented the four day weekend!! Thats why so many people believe his crap..


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    #807
    Lord Trollington
    Registered Users Posts: 4,411 ✭✭✭Lord Trollington


    My Girlfriend broke up with because she says I was "too kinky".

    I nearly spat her piss out when she told me.....


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    #808
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection but she did.


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    #809
    Plazaman
    Registered Users Posts: 3,012 ✭✭✭Plazaman


    kfallon wrote: »
    An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman all end up in court and they are no strangers to the judge having been in front of him before.

    "Oh my Christ,.." says the judge, "..not you three again. I'm sick of the sight of you lot. You must have been in front of this court a dozen times already this year but today we're going to sort this out once and for all."

    He continued... "As you know I'm a dog lover so here's what we are going to do. If you can't sing me a song with a dog in it you're going down for a fvcking long time, fair enough ?"

    The three crims nodded in unison.

    The judge says to the Englishman "Right, come on, let's have it. A song with a dog in it. Go."

    So the Englishman strikes up... "How much is that doggie in the window, the one with.."

    "Right, OK, good enough.." interrupts the judge, "..case dismissed, you're free to go."

    Next the judge addresses the Scotsman.. "OK jock it's your turn now...give me a song with a dog in it."

    So the jock breaks into song.. "Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow, bow-wow, Daddy wouldn't..."

    Again the judge interrupts mid song.. "All right all right, that's good enough for me. Case dismissed, you're free to go."

    So then the judge turns to the Irishman and says "Right Paddy, here's your chance. Gimme a song with a dog in it."

    So Paddy clears his throat and starts up..."Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night, what were the chances..."

    The judge stops Paddy mid song song and launches into him... "Ha ha you cunt. You're never going to see daylight again you my son..."

    But before he could finish his tirade Paddy interrupts the judge... "Wait a fucking minute there milord...if you'd just let me finish the fucking song....Scooby Dooby dooo, la la la la la...."


    *shakes fist* Damn you Sir, now I'll be singing it all day.....

    ta-two two two two two, one eight ninety.......


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    #810
    Galway K9
    Registered Users Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    tfitzgerald wrote: »
    ***************
    What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good

    Hey guys you can see our house from up here

    Was that a joke:D


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    #811
    Galway K9
    Registered Users Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    hondasam wrote: »
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

    oh Dear god:D


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