The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

The King of Moo

Johnny goes into the bar on the 90th floor of the Empire State Building. He sees a fairly drunk guy at the bar. Pretty soon after Johnny sits down the drunk guy starts talking to him.
"Hey buddy, did you ever hear the story 'bout the updrafts round here?"
"No" Johnny says.
"Well, because a somethin' to do with the way they built the place, if I jumped outta the window there, I'd fall. BUT!! When I got to the 70th floor, the updrafts'd whisk me right back up in through the window! It's the architecture or summin'."
"No way!"
"Watch!" And with that the drunk guy shuffles over to the window. Before a shocked Johnny can reach him, he has one leg out the window, shouts "BUBBYE!" and is gone out the window.
Johnny races over and looks out. He sees the guy fall. Past the 89th floor. 88th. 87th. All the way down to the 70th.
...
And then...
...
He starts to float right back up, and glides in through the open window!
Johnny's amazed! He says "WOW!! IT'S REALLY TRUE!!??"
The drunk guy sways a little and says "Sure, iss real. Wanna try?"
Johnny, still a little nervous, says "It works every time?"
"Sure it does. G'wan ahead."
Johnny, excited, says "Eh, OK!! HERE I GO!!" and jumps straight out of the window. And he falls. Past the 89th floor. 88th. 87th. All the way down to the 70th.
...
And then...
...
He keeps falling, past the 69th floor, 68th floor, all the way to the ground.
...
The drunk guy smiles and staggers back to the bar.
The barman shakes his head, sighs, and says

"Jesus, Superman, you're an awful prick when you're drunk!"

mad m

Four white blokes in maternity ward, midwife walks in with a black baby. The first fella says not mine, second fella moves head side to side. Third fella oh no can't be. The fourth fella stands up and says it must be mine as the wife burns everything....

ibFoxer

No1J wrote: »

What goes in out in out and smells of piss?

My Granny doing the hockie pockie.

I believe the punchline should be:

Ken-ackers doing the "Siege of Ennis"

Dolph Starbeam

I bought Kate McCann's new book. I was going out for dinner that night.

Naturally, I didn't want to lose the book, so I took it to the restaurant with me.

hondasam

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.

"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"

They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"

The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.

"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."

"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"

theparish

Apologies if this has been answered before but is there a way to unblock spoilers or are they there for a reason.

Laika1986

theparish wrote: »

Apologies if this has been answered before but is there a way to unblock spoilers or are they there for a reason.

Just highlight it mate

The King of Moo

theparish wrote: »

Apologies if this has been answered before but is there a way to unblock spoilers or are they there for a reason.

Just highlight them with your cursor.

theparish

Laika1986 wrote: »

Just highlight it mate

Well I be damned,learn something new everyday.Thanks.

hondasam

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

OutlawPete

theparish wrote: »

Well I be damned,learn something new everyday.Thanks.

Ctl A reveals 'em all at once.

--

Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and mob.

Cypher_sounds

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
...
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

spiralism

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman bought a rifle.

Paddy Irishman took the rifle and shot Paddy Englishman because he was a member of the IRA.

AgileMyth

FruitLover wrote: »

It's "twelve years old and full of alcohol".

'Fraid not.

"I like my women how I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke."

Galway K9

spiralism wrote: »

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman bought a rifle.

Paddy Irishman took the rifle and shot Paddy Englishman because he was a member of the IRA.

What was that....was that meant to be a joke?

marzic

spiralism wrote: »

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman bought a rifle.

Paddy Irishman took the rifle and shot Paddy Englishman because he was a member of the IRA.

... and said "take that Paddy Englishman, you fcuking IRA cnut":D

kellso81

two dyslexic men sitting at the bar, one turns to the other, 'can you smell gas?'. 'No,' he replies, 'I can't even smell my own name!'

marzic

Did you hear about the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?

He stays up all night saying "There is no Dog"!:D
(not the best i ever heard i'm sure, but the cleverest i can think of)

digme

How do you know when you're in a jews house?


There's a fork in the sugar bowl

Godsentme

theparish wrote: »

Well I be damned,learn something new everyday.Thanks.

here here. :D

Poor Uncle Tom

marzic wrote: »

Did you hear about the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?

He stays up all night saying "There is no Dog"!:D
(not the best i ever heard i'm sure, but the cleverest i can think of)

...would be funnier if he stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog...

barone

what do you call a fly with no wings?































a walk

DirtyBollox

was up a ladder the other day cleaning out the gutters. my watch came loose and fell off my wrist but its alright it landed on its hands!

Chiggers

What do you call an anoresic with a yeast infection.

...a quarter pounder with cheese.

Chiggers

Chiggers wrote: »

What do you call an anoresic with a yeast infection.

...a quarter pounder with cheese.

Ooops.
"Went to the Doctor yesterday. Got some bad news. Told me I have the big C".

"you've got cancer ?"

"No, dyslexia"

jimbob86

A young lad of about 15 or 16 goes home to his father and tells him "Da...im after ridin the young one nextdoor!"
"Well done son! im proud of you..fairplay" says the father "but i hope you wore protection?"
"of coarse i did...i wore a balaclava!"

AckwelFoley

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again

AckwelFoley

A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Sitec

A man is queuing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for 1. Shes smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause your an ugly c,unt.

Poor Uncle Tom

Sitec wrote: »

A man is queuing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for 1. Shes smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause your an ugly c,unt.

Your Tommy Cooper impression is deafening.......but good..:p