The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

grrrrrrrrrr · 16-02-2011 02:31PM

Ex-ministers get 4million euro pension pots..

HAHAHAHA... Oh wait... Shut

Loomis · 16-02-2011 02:37PM

Paddyontherun wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Smelly balls

Criminally under appreciated.

Screaminmidget · 16-02-2011 02:44PM

Two Blondes walk into a Bar. You'd Think one of them would have seen it

Boxfresh · 17-02-2011 01:26AM

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like I'm in a pantomime.

Doctor: Oh No You Don't!

policarp · 17-02-2011 01:57AM

A blonde and a brunette see a bloke with a serious dandruff problem.
The brunette says to the blonde, "that bloke needs some Head and Shoulders".
The blonde asks "How do you do shoulders?"

Jordonvito · 17-02-2011 02:29AM

My Girlfriend asked me today if I was a paedophile, I replied 'thats a big word for a 12 year old'

Ghost Estate · 17-02-2011 02:45AM

Did you hear about the fella who found a whistle in a septic tank?

He blew the sh1t out of it

CorsetIsTight · 17-02-2011 03:08AM

peatcass wrote: »

Drum set falls off a cliff.

Ba dum, tish

Two elephants fall off a cliff.

Boom, boom.

Ave Nocturna · 17-02-2011 04:03AM

What did Mr. Spock find when he looked into the toilet?

Captain's log

******

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you call a walk with no legs? A raisin

******

A guy went to a seafood disco and pulled a mussel

*****

My wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders had started

Dolph Starbeam · 17-02-2011 02:22PM

'Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'.

Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

BO-JANGLES · 17-02-2011 03:28PM

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'

Cheeky_gal · 17-02-2011 03:43PM

pasta-solo wrote: »

This one needs to be said aloud:

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

Always makes me laugh!

Can someone explain this one?

UpTheSlashers · 17-02-2011 03:46PM

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Can someone explain this one?

two thirty...too thurty......tooth hurty

Cheeky_gal · 17-02-2011 03:54PM

UpTheSlashers wrote: »

two thirty...too thurty......tooth hurty

Who speaks like that though?

Would never in a million years have gotten that

Canis Lupus · 17-02-2011 04:01PM

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Can someone explain this one?

awh bless

--Kaiser-- · 17-02-2011 04:07PM

BO-JANGLES wrote: »

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'hostess?'"

this is arse · 17-02-2011 04:27PM

what did the chinese man do after his wife divorced him?

he went back to wang-king

hondasam · 17-02-2011 04:27PM

A Present for Little Johnny!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right ****in here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a mother****in' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed ****in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked...
"So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a ****in' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch

Cheeky_gal · 17-02-2011 04:32PM

http://www.funmint.com/images/santa-claus-letter-little-johnny.jpg

Naikon · 17-02-2011 04:32PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

Not mine just to note...

this is arse · 17-02-2011 04:38PM

what did billy the blind, deaf, dumb, spastic get for Christmas?

Cancer

hondasam · 17-02-2011 04:42PM

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

hondasam · 17-02-2011 04:43PM

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

newmug · 17-02-2011 05:41PM

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'hostess?'"

Dont get it??????

--Kaiser-- · 17-02-2011 05:42PM

newmug wrote: »

Dont get it??????

Hostess = Who's this (in a Korean accent)

fred funk }{ · 17-02-2011 06:24PM

What do you call a dog with steal balls and no back legs?

Sparky.

cosantoir1 · 17-02-2011 07:26PM

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

My Grip

Coriolanus · 17-02-2011 07:30PM

cosantoir1 wrote: »

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

My Grip

Alternate answer: A nippleclamp. :pac:

nosey rosie · 17-02-2011 07:32PM

Did you hear the one about the Irishman?
No, neither did I.

Allright, its not that funny, but its my favourite. I'm scarred by Jim Davidson anti- Irish jokes, being born in the 70's

major bill · 17-02-2011 08:15PM

Two dinosaurs walked on the beach right up to the waters edge looking at the boat sailing off in the distance.

One said, "Fcuk off then Noah, you cnut."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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