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Embarrassing sexual antics

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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 9,578 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Twee.


    Myself and the bf at the time were sleeping soundly, while his housemate had a lady friend over. Lady goes to the bathroom downstairs and instead of going back to where she came from she got into bed with the two of us and conked out :eek: She had to be shook for good while before she even stirred! She woke up and just said "What? NO! You're joking?" and got up and left. Awkward the next morning...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,808 ✭✭✭✭ KeithM89_old


    ^^ Maybe embarassing for you, but your bf probably thought he struck gold :D


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 9,578 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Twee.


    KeithM89 wrote: »
    ^^ Maybe embarassing for you, but your bf probably thought he struck gold :D

    Actually the opposite. I thought it was hilarious, he was scared ****less and just froze! "Twee! Twee!! WAKE UP!!!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 769 dan185


    In the heat of passion early this year, the lady was on top of me gyrating away and very sexily calls me a "bad puppy". I burst out laughing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,637 ✭✭✭ MoodeRator


    Gag reflex....
    Clench your left thumb next time;) Trust me I am a doctor


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Peach


    MoodeRator wrote: »
    Clench your left thumb next time;) Trust me I am a doctor

    I've thought about it. I've looked at my hand. I've moved my thumb a bit. But no, I don't get it


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,637 ✭✭✭ MoodeRator


    I've thought about it. I've looked at my hand. I've moved my thumb a bit. But no, I don't get it
    Clenching your left thumb reduces your gag reflex;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Peach


    MoodeRator wrote: »
    Clenching your left thumb reduces your gag reflex;)

    My hand is usually busy......


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,637 ✭✭✭ MoodeRator


    :D;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Peach


    MoodeRator wrote: »
    :D;)

    Making him a sandwich for afterwards!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 834 The Agogo


    I was one day doing the business with an ex from a few years ago.

    She had cats.

    I got dressed to leave (it was dark) and stood on something that felt like a cold belt buckle.

    Reaching down and feeling my foot (the belt-buckle "stuck" to me), I realised it was a plop of cat sh|t.

    That was embarrassing for her, quite disgusting for me.

    The next day, her mum made us breakfast. I was just about to take my first bite when the mother opened the patio door. A great big gust of wind swept in under the table bringing with it loads of cat-hair which eventually landed in coffee and sandwiche.

    And that's why I don't like cats.


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,553 ✭✭✭✭ Dempsey


    It's not really sexual but, I was in the living room trying to remove an ingrown hair from my back passage using a cucumber, when my wife and kids came home unexpectedly early from shopping and saw me.

    Now they're all convinced I'm gay because the Tivo just happened to be paused on a Baywatch episode where David Hasselhoff is in the shower and Barbara Streisand just happened to be playing on the hi fi.

    My best friend Ted was very offended and simply put his clothes on picked up his cucumber and left without saying a word.Never saw him again:mad:

    Surely a tweezer would work better than a cucumber! :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 650 ✭✭✭ Gordon Gecko


    After several hours of hard action I retired to the kitchen for some refreshment. You can imagine my horror when, upon my return to the cellar, I found that she had managed to wriggle free.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,693 ✭✭✭✭ OutlawPete


    Watching TV with headphones on a fapping and brother walked in.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,818 myflipflops


    Twee. wrote: »
    Myself and the bf at the time were sleeping soundly, while his housemate had a lady friend over. Lady goes to the bathroom downstairs and instead of going back to where she came from she got into bed with the two of us and conked out :eek: She had to be shook for good while before she even stirred! She woke up and just said "What? NO! You're joking?" and got up and left. Awkward the next morning...

    I did this in my ex's place. Buck naked on the way back from the bathroom at 5am (lots of alcohol had been applied that night), I walked into her housemates room by accident and was attempting to get into bed when she woke and screamed at me.

    Very lucky they were old friends who lived together and I knew the girl well. A guy doing that to a random housemate would not end well....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,137 x in the city


    Originally Posted by Twee. View Post
    Myself and the bf at the time were sleeping soundly, while his housemate had a lady friend over. Lady goes to the bathroom downstairs and instead of going back to where she came from she got into bed with the two of us and conked out She had to be shook for good while before she even stirred! She woke up and just said "What? NO! You're joking?" and got up and left. Awkward the next morning..


    ahhhh, bureaucratic Irish wimmins for the love of em.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭ Banjaxed82


    Went on a holiday to Portugal with an ex and her family. Staying in one of those complexes with 3-4 villas to one swimming pool. After some heavy drinking, got home and proceeded to par take in some skinny dipping. She started to give me a hand shandy in the shallow end. Her mother comes out and gives us an ear bashing, which was bad enough, but then I suddenly noticed I was about to shoot my beans, which I promptly did.

    It was a couple of days before I got back into that swimming pool again, I tell ya, unlike her family who were swimming around in my batter the next morning! My ex's brother got an ear infection as well about 3 days later. Could never get him out of that damn pool.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,220 ✭✭✭✭ mfceiling


    Banjaxed82 wrote: »
    Went on a holiday to Portugal with an ex and her family. Staying in one of those complexes with 3-4 villas to one swimming pool. After some heavy drinking, got home and proceeded to par take in some skinny dipping. She started to give me a hand shandy in the shallow end. Her mother comes out and gives us an ear bashing, which was bad enough, but then I suddenly noticed I was about to shoot my beans, which I promptly did.

    It was a couple of days before I got back into that swimming pool again, I tell ya, unlike her family who were swimming around in my batter the next morning! My ex's brother got an ear infection as well about 3 days later. Could never get him out of that damn pool.

    Ah yes......cum ear.....very common childhood infection that one


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,871 Karmafaerie


    An ex of mine a few years back decided that she wanted to try some rear entrance action.
    She'd never tried this before, but decided that she wanted to cross that final fronteer, and so planned things out.

    We went into town to buy some lube, however when we got there she discovered that her cousin was working inside, and so didn't want to go up to the till with the old KY in hand.
    She was from a very religous family, and you know how tongues wag.
    However she'd been building this up for days and wasn't to be perturbed so instead decided to get some vasaline.
    I told her it probably wasn't the best of choices, but she wasn't to be persuaded.

    So anyway that night we carried out the deed, and leaving out the nasty details, we went off to work the next day.
    She was living with her family at the time, and one of her younger sisters, a shy young girl about 17 was in her room that day while we were both out.
    Anyway, to cut a long story short, that evening when she came home she couldn't find the tub of vasaline in her room.
    She looked around the house a bit, worried that her mother might have found it, and instead came apon it in her sisters room.
    She was a bit agitated about her sister taking it, and when her sister wondered why, she told her what the vasaline was for.

    Lets just say her sister wished that she'd just suffered through the chapped lips that she'd borrowed the vasaline to sooth.

    The ex made me promise not to say anything to her sister, as the sister told her not to tell me, but when I next saw her, she had litterally scrubed her lips raw!
    Poor girl never managed to look me in the eyes again!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,578 ✭✭✭ ShagNastii


    An ex of mine a few years back decided that she wanted to try some rear entrance action.
    She'd never tried this before, but decided that she wanted to cross that final fronteer, and so planned things out.

    We went into town to buy some lube, however when we got there she discovered that her cousin was working inside, and so didn't want to go up to the till with the old KY in hand.
    She was from a very religous family, and you know how tongues wag.
    However she'd been building this up for days and wasn't to be perturbed so instead decided to get some vasaline.
    I told her it probably wasn't the best of choices, but she wasn't to be persuaded.

    So anyway that night we carried out the deed, and leaving out the nasty details, we went off to work the next day.
    She was living with her family at the time, and one of her younger sisters, a shy young girl about 17 was in her room that day while we were both out.
    Anyway, to cut a long story short, that evening when she came home she couldn't find the tub of vasaline in her room.
    She looked around the house a bit, worried that her mother might have found it, and instead came apon it in her sisters room.
    She was a bit agitated about her sister taking it, and when her sister wondered why, she told her what the vasaline was for.

    Lets just say her sister wished that she'd just suffered through the chapped lips that she'd borrowed the vasaline to sooth.

    The ex made me promise not to say anything to her sister, as the sister told her not to tell me, but when I next saw her, she had litterally scrubed her lips raw!
    Poor girl never managed to look me in the eyes again!!!

    How is this bad did you dip your penis into the tub to apply it?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,871 Karmafaerie


    ShagNastii wrote: »
    How is this bad did you dip your penis into the tub to apply it?

    No, but we would have been returning for repeat applications a few times.
    While hygienically it wouldn't have been the best, it was more the fact that my ex's ridiculously shy and nervous, virginal, religious, 17 year old sister got the fright of her life when she realised that she had liberally slathered what had been used as an anal lubricant all over her lips!

    I thought it was more funny than anything else, but she was literally beyond embarrassed, to the extent that she took what I can only assume from the damage, was a scouring pad to her lips!

    I kept having mental images of the Ace Ventura "Crying Game" scene every time I saw her.

    So hard to keep a steady face when you're supposed to know nothing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,204 ✭✭✭ Mrmoe


    A few years back I shared a house with a guy who was gay. He always used to get fairly drunk and bring random people back to the house that he met in a nightclub. After coming out he started to frequent a lot more gay bars/clubs but the same behavior continued.

    One night he arrives home with some random people he met. I'm in my own room sleeping, I hear them come in but fall back to sleep quickly again. After a while I am awoken again by some noise this time in my own room by some guy standing in the darkness by the side of my bed. I reach for the bedside lamp and he zips up his pants, I ask him what the hell he is doing , he says he is in the wrong room and leaves fairly quickly. I have no idea how long he was standing there.

    After a while the same thing happens again this time he has his cock in his hand. I tell him to get out in no uncertain terms. He mumbles something about how did he end up in here again and zips his pants up as he leaves. I get up and lock my bedroom door. I moved out not too long after that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,171 ✭✭✭ SpaceFlunky


    Mrmoe wrote: »
    A few years back I shared a house with a guy who was gay. He always used to get fairly drunk and bring random people back to the house that he met in a nightclub. After coming out he started to frequent a lot more gay bars/clubs but the same behavior continued.

    One night he arrives home with some random people he met. I'm in my own room sleeping, I hear them come in but fall back to sleep quickly again. After a while I am awoken again by some noise this time in my own room by some guy standing in the darkness by the side of my bed. I reach for the bedside lamp and he zips up his pants, I ask him what the hell he is doing , he says he is in the wrong room and leaves fairly quickly. I have no idea how long he was standing there.

    After a while the same thing happens again this time he has his cock in his hand. I tell him to get out in no uncertain terms. He mumbles something about how did he end up in here again and zips his pants up as he leaves. I get up and lock my bedroom door. I moved out not too long after that.


    You sure told him.

    Was your bed wet by any chance?


  • Registered Users Posts: 970 ✭✭✭ dr ro


    smokie2008 wrote: »
    Big Guy:rolleyes:
    Not any more!


  • Registered Users Posts: 834 The Agogo


    Mrmoe wrote: »
    A few years back I shared a house with a guy who was gay. He always used to get fairly drunk and bring random people back to the house that he met in a nightclub. After coming out he started to frequent a lot more gay bars/clubs but the same behavior continued.

    One night he arrives home with some random people he met. I'm in my own room sleeping, I hear them come in but fall back to sleep quickly again. After a while I am awoken again by some noise this time in my own room by some guy standing in the darkness by the side of my bed. I reach for the bedside lamp and he zips up his pants, I ask him what the hell he is doing , he says he is in the wrong room and leaves fairly quickly. I have no idea how long he was standing there.

    After a while the same thing happens again this time he has his cock in his hand. I tell him to get out in no uncertain terms. He mumbles something about how did he end up in here again and zips his pants up as he leaves. I get up and lock my bedroom door. I moved out not too long after that.

    Same thing happened to me, but with lesbians.


  • Registered Users Posts: 970 ✭✭✭ dr ro


    The Agogo wrote: »
    Same thing happened to me, but with lesbians.
    Could you go into every detail please! Don't leave anything out and don't worry about boring us or making a long story short etc. Thanks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 656 smokie2008


    This is a great thread, great reading but slowed rite down:(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 258 ✭✭ Scambuster


    An earlier sustained hand wound opened up on top of this girl and covered her in blood. My mother then asked me about the blood soaked sheets the next day.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 28 ✭✭✭ kezimus


    Not the worst compared to some of the stories here, but when I was about 17 I was staying over in a new boyfriend's house, hadn't yet met his parents and so we decided to refrain from any activities likely to cause "bump in the night" sound effects. The following morning though, his sister was at school, his dad at work and mother out at a class she always did on this morning, every week without fail....

    So we were going at it, and being in that early stage where it's crucial to make sure he know's you're enjoing yourself, I was pretty vocal about his skills, bitta blaspheming etc, when the phone started ringing in the hall. He said leave it, it'll go to voicemail......... phone was answered immediately by his mum.

    And if I could hear her in the hall having a quiet chat.............


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,021 ✭✭✭ mickrock


    Was having it off with the sister when the bed collapsed!

    It was an old bed though.


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