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Embarrassing sexual antics

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34,823 ✭✭✭✭ smash


    pinkyponk2 wrote: »
    Being the girl in the misionary position (on the bottom) when that happens and that extra hard thrust ends up in the wrong one ...

    That my friend is pain like you wouldnt believe!

    Yea but when a guy does that it's never a mistake! ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,943 ✭✭✭ abouttobebanned


    I lost my virginity in a forest and herself was bitten by a squirrel. True story.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,099 Johnny Bitte


    pinkyponk2 wrote: »
    Being the girl in the misionary position (on the bottom) when that happens and that extra hard thrust ends up in the wrong one ...

    That my friend is pain like you wouldnt believe!

    Ah roight! Ouch.


  • Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭ Little Bubbles


    Great posts. Can't stop laughing.
    I bought a double bed from Ikea, i put it together so i thought. Later the wife and I were in the middle of roiding when the top of the bed collapsed with her on top hitting her head against the steel headboard.. She didn't talk to me for a week!!!


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 32,959 Mod ✭✭✭✭ pickarooney


    Great posts. Can't stop laughing.
    I bought a double bed from Ikea, i put it together so i thought. Later the wife and I were in the middle of roiding when the top of the bed collapsed with her on top hitting her head against the steel headboard.. She didn't talk to me for a week!!!

    Ah, concussion-induced aphasia, the fun we had.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,430 testicle


    policarp wrote: »
    You must have some good stories.
    One testicle an' all that.

    One testicle to rule them all!


  • Registered Users Posts: 286 ✭✭ fman


    testicle wrote: »
    One testicle to rule them all!

    That's what Hitler said :p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 613 Misanthrope


    Sykk wrote: »
    I have a great story but it'd probably earn me a ban. I wouldn't want to scar anyone mentally either. Perhaps I'll spill in the capitol if I go! :pac:

    Maybe you could put it to us as an allegory or something.I'm intrigued to know more.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,742 ✭✭✭ SuprSi


    A few years on a Saturday afternoon I was out and about in town. It was approaching 3pm and there was a game on the telly that I really wanted to see so I legged it home. Much faster than I normally would I ran up to the front door, rushed through and into the living room.

    Curtains closed, my housemate had just managed to pull his trousers up but hadn't zipped up or closed his belt. Porn was still playing on the telly. Queue awkward silence followed by the words 'I was just watching a bit of porn' from him. I muttered something about the match and left, closing the door behind me. I'd imagine it would've been a little more awkward if it had been our female housemate rather than me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,322 ✭✭✭ HalloweenJack


    Was going at it doggystyle one night with an ex before when we heard the door swing open. We were both facing away from the door so I turned my head to see who it was but couldn't see anyone. I told her it must've been the wind so we kept going.

    Next thing, I could feel something licking my balls. I shat myself (figuratively). I swiped a hand behind my balls and smacked the gf's family dog. He was a small British Bulldog and in the darkness I hadn't seen him come in when the door opened.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,606 Jumpy


    fman wrote: »
    That's what Hitler said :p

    I invoke Godwins Law.


  • Registered Users Posts: 656 smokie2008


    sacramento wrote: »
    An ex of mine "lost" a toy temporarily inside of herself.
    Big Girl :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 656 smokie2008


    dr ro wrote: »
    heard about a guy once who had a career ending thrusting mishap when he thrust straight between her legs and hit a wall. Real Serious damage.
    Big Guy:rolleyes:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,289 parker kent


    Me on top, being quite enthusiastic... til I pitched forward a little too hard and hit my head off the wall. Knocked clean out. When I came round had no idea what had happened, but thankfully had the presence of mind to persuade my bf not to bring me to A&E, seeing as I was a nurse there at the time!

    I've a similar story which weirdly involves a nurse (well student nurse, but lets not split hairs!). We were going at it doggy style and I got a bit too enthusiastic causing her to jolt forward and smack her head off the wall knocking her senseless for a few seconds. Lesson learned, never drink and then drive a nurse :D

    Edit: Brought a new meaning to being piledriven :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,058 ✭✭✭ sonic85


    this one time, at band camp.................


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 171 ✭✭ SamSamSammy


    was with a girl trying to finger her and it was THAT unkept that i couldn't even find where i was going for ages and ages.....awkward!!! then when i did the smell when i took my fingers out was gross, really really really bad. never did anything after!!!!!! she was v good looking too


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭ Ronin247


    ...............Next thing, I could feel something licking my balls. I shat myself (figuratively). I swiped a hand behind my balls and smacked the gf's family dog. He was a small British Bulldog and in the darkness I hadn't seen him come in when the door opened.

    Dont suppose that dog is for sale???


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,111 ✭✭✭✭ AckwelFoley


    waay to many to mention


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭ Gator


    Got into my ex girlfriends dads bed by mistake...pissed out of my nut...."what the hell are ya doing ya dozy boll*x"....funny now but nearly got murdered


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭ stryker mcqueen


    Getting head from an ex , just about to "climax" when her sister calls her from downstairs , she pulls away ................. she had to clean her eyelashes after ;)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,577 ✭✭✭ ShagNastii


    Posted this drunk one night in TLL. Probably my finest hour on boards.
    ShagNastii wrote: »
    Ha ! I’m loving some of the stories. I really shouldn’t post this as it probably paints me as a total perv, freak, sexual deviant, idiot, gom, tool, git, perv, communist and a perv. But hell, I’ve been up for over 48 hours working on my thesis and I can feel both the bodily shut down and craziness setting in. I’ve never told anyone this except for the other person involved but I’m sure she has at this stage have told a fair few people wiling to listen to a story which could only be described as an extremely painful lesson I should have learnt as a child many many moons ago. DON’T F*CK AROUND WHEN THERE ARE DOORS AJAR.


    Well here goes- this time last year I had reached that lovely period in a relationship I was having at the time. It was the time when you finally know each other and you make it your duty to lock yourselves in a room for ludicrous amounts of time and have sex, sex and more sex. Doesn’t have a name but we all know this “at it like rabbits time” which always makes the early stages of a relationship amazing. I’d been with the girl for a few months and so we were pretty much at ease with whatever we did.

    I think it was about this time last year when Leinster beat Munster in the Heineken cup. Anytime Leinster now play Munster it will remind me of this faithful day *makes sign of the cross*. So deciding neither of us fancied going to the match we commenced a love in for the day early in the afternoon (please excuse the crudeness but it seems this thread is no holds barred, Don’t want to come across sleezey???)

    We were havin mad lovin and enjoying ourselves big style. I’ll pathetically try stroke my ego and say after the fifth or sixth session my ex said she had to go it the toilet. I flaked out on the bed wreaked but with himself still stood sky high. I laid down on the bed playing tent until I got up and like a total spastic started to swagger around the room dancing and prancing with a total stalk on. I shouted at my ex to come on but she ignored me. I casually walked to bedroom n shouted to my girlfriend “I’m coming in”. She shouted back for me to stop acting the maggot. I grabbed a towl and hung it on my lad. Laughing I shouted to herself “guess what I’m doing”. She replied with a “boys ? they just can’t help themselves kinda tone- “Let me guess hanging something on your cock?”. The bitch how did she guess?


    So I’m still outside the bedroom acting like a four year old child teasing my girlfriend I’m going to burst in as she so was on the toilet!!! Oh the hilarity!!!!! I move closer to the bathroom door and notice it is slightly open. I again for some stupid unbeknownst reason continue to blagard that I’m going barge in (I guess I was giddy or maybe giggady from all the festivities) . I was made for the craic and banter. I leaned on the wall continuing to chat to my ex as she was behind the door. All of a sudden what can only be described as the world most F*cked and unfunny idea came into my head.


    My head/brain: Shagnastii, It would be the funniest thing in history if you edged the door about with your erect penis. And made some sort of a gun noise or maybe the theme from jaws as the one eyes monster lurked around the door to frighten –insert ex name here-.......................................(OT but I really think you people here on boards.ie are getting to see my mental breakdown)


    Why I thought this would be amusing or funny is beyond me. So anyway I shout at the top of my voice like Murv from Home Alone, “HARRY I’M COMING IN”. I then progressed to make movements towards the door like a knight with one of those stick thingys. I got closer and closer to the door which was ajar hopefully sure to be whipping it open with a hearty “Daaaaannnnaaaahhhh” and the world would have exploded with the greatness of the feat. Not likely, the second the top of my langer hit gap in the door my ex pushed over the door thinking I was about to walk in. THUDDDD!!!!!!! I can still here it now. I’m surprised the door didn’t close shut it was pushed so hard. The pain was terrible and I let out the loudest scream I am sure anyone was ever let out as I stumbled across the floor back to the bed area. My girlfriend rose straight away and was like “what the fu*k just happened”. She saw me holding my goods and just said “holy Sh*t what were you at”. I looked down and there was blood. There wasn’t much be it was really red. I was crapping myself, I shouted to get some tissues. They only seemed to make it worst the pain was settling when my ex told me to get into the shower. I showered until all the blood went away and the bleeding stopped. I came back out of the shower after about tens minutes and my girlfriend just looked as if to say “Well ya won’t be doing that again” she laugh and rightfully called me a feckin eejit. I was really delicate but it wasn’t anything which needed stitches or anything so I guess it wasn’t too drastic. We had no more sex that night. I sulked with a really sore willie as we watched the highlights of the game as all her drunken housemates arrived home. Eh this stories hasn’t really an ending as such. I really wish I was a troll story but it did in fact happen.

    Emmmmmmmmm Ok thank you for your time.

    Live long and prosper. And be careful you only ever get one of them. (Why did I find the need to post this, please ban me from boards.ie for being an idiot)

    :(

    And by the way my mate Jay has done much worse stuff. He once was fingering a dutch girl and she shat on his arm.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,653 Ghandee


    ShagNastii wrote: »
    Posted this drunk one night in TLL. Probably my finest hour on boards.



    :(

    And by the way my mate Jay has done much worse stuff. He once was fingering a dutch girl and she shat on his arm.

    What????:eek:


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭ Gator


    ShagNastii wrote: »
    Posted this drunk one night in TLL. Probably my finest hour on boards.



    :(

    And by the way my mate Jay has done much worse stuff. He once was fingering a dutch girl and she shat on his arm.

    Ahahaaahahaaha...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,653 Ghandee


    One of my mates parents forgot their camera one day they had headed off to a wedding. They decided to head home again to fetch it.
    Imagine their surprise, when the mam entered the house (remember they werent expected to be home for 12 hrs or so) to find my mate with his mickey in his hand, and his SISTERS panties over his head!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭✭✭ erogonamalu


    yea had a couple of outdoor pursuits, hungover cycling up a mountain behind some chicks arse the whole way up the mountainside it was a tough cycle and i could only manage to pass them at the top. it was handy enough when i got to the top.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,577 ✭✭✭ ShagNastii


    Gucky wrote: »
    One of my mates parents forgot their camera one day they had headed off to a wedding. They decided to head home again to fetch it.
    Imagine their surprise, when the mam entered the house (remember they werent expected to be home for 12 hrs or so) to find my mate with his mickey in his hand, and his SISTERS panties over his head!

    Who the feck say PANTIES in Ireland? Is that you georgie burgess?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,953 ✭✭✭ Vinta81


    "Is it in yet" - I faked my way through it for ages until that point, I didn't feel a thing. He just kept "going" bless him. Also called him the wrong name, his best friends name to be more specific :o

    I've another one, which I'm sure has happened to others but I know people on boards IRL so yeah :pac:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 83 ✭✭✭ mcdoogle


    mcdoogle wrote: »
    Idiot ex girlfriend put her bed back together upside down with the the hard bit that supports the mattress on the ground and the soft bit that has no support under the mattress. The mattress was very thin as well. (no idea why she had taken it apart, think she was painting the room or something)

    One night shortly after starting to see each other we did the deed on her bed. The mattress crashed through the bed and resulted in us struggling to get out of the remains of the bed when her da came running in to see what happened.......

    Was an interesting year!
    sacramento wrote: »
    It took them a year to free you!?

    Yep, took a while to make a hole in the roof, get a crane into position, reinforce the legs of the crane etc and finally lift her off me....

    She was fond of her dinner that one!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,006 GalwayKiefer


    Many stories I won't be telling here but one I will share is this:
    Was with an ex a few years back and we're were hammered and going at it like rabbits in a bed that was wrought iron and had loads of fancy designs in the section at the end of the bed. Somehow I simultaneously got the top of my foot trapped in one of the swirly bits and fell out of the bed at the same time - breaking the big toe of my left foot. The pain...dear Jesus the pain...
    A friend of mine was sleeping in the next room (well, until I started roaring anyway) and the next day gently broached the subject of how on earth do I find hard-core physical punishment a turn-on...


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭ roy rodgers


    A friend of mine was fingering a girl one night and felt something in her.
    He pulled it out and it turned out to be a condom from a different lad she was with the night before.:eek::eek:

    classy bird!


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