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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭jc77


    Ryder Cup called off yesterday due to rain... there's a sight you don't often see - Tiger Woods walking away from a wet hole.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,218 ✭✭✭dexter647


    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
    old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
    shower.
    She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
    I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
    tummy.'
    'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


  • Registered Users Posts: 11 WhitePhantom


    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
    .
    .
    .
    He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog!


    Did you hear about the man who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went?
    .
    .
    .
    It eventually dawned on him!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 134 ✭✭viper.10


    what does ashley cole, john terry, peter crouch and wayne rooney all got in common? they all have wives that need to try harder!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7 illogicalloser


    Woman walks into a Garda station clothes ripped covered in cuts and bruises and says to the desk officer "Help I've been graped !" "Graped ?" says the Garda "There was a bunch of them !" she replied.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,294 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    Why does noddy have bell on the end of his hat.....
    Because he's a C*nt!!!


    Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?
    Coz he's married!!!


    I'l get my coat...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 134 ✭✭viper.10


    A group of Dyslexic's are starting their own football team - they are calling themselves Dyslexia Untied!!:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Are orchestras in Japan conducted with a knife and fork?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7 illogicalloser


    Teenage girl passes her driving test goes home and tells her dad all exited she asks him if she can have the family car for the evening. Dad replies well to get the keys you will have to suck my cock, she moans a bit but eventually agrees to his request. Removing his dick from his pants she notices there is **** all over his knob eeeewwww she shrieks !! Oh **** says the dad I forgot your brother has the car tonight !!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    News: 'Boy Georges reptile bites 5 people in one day.'


    He needs a calmer chameleon.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 908 ✭✭✭Overature


    so a man walks in to a bar with a monkey, i forgot the rest of the joke but your moms a whore


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just got 3D TV, fook me it's good,












    I fell asleep during the Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone :mad:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping
    channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'










    I said, 'Dust.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I had a really bad dream last night,

    I dreamt the grim reaper was coming after my soul and I was beating him off with the hoover.











    Talk about Dyson with death !!!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I fancied chinky last night,so I phoned Kings China Buffet.

    The guy answered and said

    "Herro, I'm Wan King the cook"

    I said" no worries I'll call back later.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6 adamshort


    why did the hippy drown?

    coz he was too far out maaaannn


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,218 ✭✭✭dexter647


    Did ya hear the one about the two scottish quier's...

    Ben Dunn and Phil Mc Crevis..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,033 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    dexter647 wrote: »
    Did ya hear the one about the two scottish quier's...

    Ben Dunn and Phil Mc Crevis..



    ben dover....... phil mc cracken... *cough*


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,033 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    Woman walks into a Garda station clothes ripped covered in cuts and bruises and says to the desk officer "Help I've been graped !" "Graped ?" says the Garda "There was a bunch of them !" she replied.



    woman raped by a polar bear... copper asks... "can you describe him..."


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,218 ✭✭✭dexter647


    thebullkf wrote: »
    ben dover....... phil mc cracken... *cough*

    No way...:P


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭dh0661


    dexter647 wrote: »
    Did ya hear the one about the two scottish quier's...

    Ben Dunn and Phil Mc Crevis..

    The Irish version --- Patrick FitzMorris & Morris FitzPatrick:rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    2 Queers in New York, 1 comes home from work on a hot day to find his mate with his arse in the fridge.

    "What are you at?" he asks.

    Hmmm, its been soooo hot I thought you d like to slip into something cool when you came home.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 492 ✭✭Major Lovechild


    Did you hear about the queer spy?







    He had a false bottom in his briefcase.

    Wo ist die Gemütlichkeit?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have tickets for The Comedy Club in a couple of weeks time but cant make it.

    Does anyone want them?













    They are for the Anfield Road end.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Pope bought 100 cases of Glenfiddich Scotch whiskey today.

    The Salesman told him....




    It's a cheeky little 12 year old that goes down well.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,039 ✭✭✭jpfahy


    “I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I'd got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.”

    I said “You’re pulling my leg”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8 AshaD


    Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 330 ✭✭Patri


    AshaD wrote: »
    Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms...


    Why didn't Sally get back up on the swing?

    Because she had no legs...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    Patri wrote: »
    Why didn't Sally get back up on the swing?

    Because she had no legs...




    Why was Sally thrown out of the cinema?


    She was standing on the seats!


  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭jc77


    It's a shame my wife isn't trapped down that mine with those Chilean miners.

    They'd have dug themselves out by now.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 647 ✭✭✭Namabillion


    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fück off, you won't bring it back."


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭osnola ibax


    Suicide bomb school. Teacher says "right I'm only gonna show you this once"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    I see they're getting those miners out.

    wait for it...........




    Juan by Juan!


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    "What happened down the mine, stays down the mine"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭marcsignal


    Gary Glitter is in Chile now.

    It's the only place where you can slide a miner up and down your shaft and get applauded for it......


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,218 ✭✭✭dexter647


    One of those Chilean miners is well pissed off - he forgot to clock in!:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭Seosaimh77


    One of the miners was a little bit worried when he was freed and was greeted by his wife and his mistress...I bet he was praying for the ground to just swallow him up


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to the misses "let's play Chilean miners", she said "you want me to go down your shaft till I reach the bottom"....I said "no fook off out of my sight for 4 months".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43 hyenabutter


    AshaD wrote: »
    Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms...
    Patri wrote: »
    Why didn't Sally get back up on the swing?

    Because she had no legs...

    <snip>
    Theres a place for that type of humour, but it's not here


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,033 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    not funny, wrong section of boards.:(


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭dh0661


    thebullkf wrote: »
    not funny, wrong section of boards.:(

    I agree :mad: --- REPORTED


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,088 ✭✭✭BioHazRd


    Guys, if youre not happy with a particualr post, report it - and thank you for doing so in this instance. However, it's not very clever quoting potentially offensive material, as you are essentially repeating the offence.

    Now, back to the funnies.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,033 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    BioHazRd wrote: »
    Guys, if youre not happy with a particualr post, report it - and thank you for doing so in this instance. However, it's not very clever quoting potentially offensive material, as you are essentially repeating the offence.

    Now, back to the funnies.


    sound. force of habit on my part.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I must have really pissed the wife off when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex the other night..

    She has been lying there for 5 days now, giving me the fookin silent treatment

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The wife has told me to learn the Karma sutra or she's leaving me ......







    To be honest she's put me in a very awkward position ....:D

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 647 ✭✭✭Namabillion


    I'm Josef Fritzel and No Windows was my idea.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43 hyenabutter


    Interesting how joking about incestuous pedophiles and killing your wife and amputees is okay but cancer is waaaay off and we all go pc? Fair enough o.O


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 milkybar kid wk


    whats brown and black and looks great on your mother in law?

    a rottweiler


    whats big round and looks like a piano?

    a big round piano


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    A G N B :
    That's bang out of order.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.


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