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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #5162
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic.



  • #5163
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
    -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin



  • #5164
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
    and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
    quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
    and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
    Chips, as well as after Chips?



  • #5165
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,646 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Who led the Israelites through the semi permeable membrane?

    Os-moses



  • #5166
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123217001#Comment_123217001

    Roland and Anderson would know.



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  • #5167
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,257 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    On Saturday my friend underwent a painful procedure that required him to have his spine and both testicles removed.

    Still, he got some great wedding presents though.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5168
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,430 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    3 golf clubs go to the bar for the auld 19 hole.

    The 3 Iron orders a pint.

    The Pitching Wedge orders a Tequila Sunrise.

    The bar tender turns to the 3rd club and asks "What are you having?"

    And nothing for me thanks. I'm the Driver.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #5169
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I think the hotel receptionist was into me. She definitely checked me out when I was leaving.



  • #5170
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,171 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Upon checking into a hotel, I said that I hope the porn chanel is disabled. Receptionist said, no, it's ordinary people porn, you sick bástard!



  • #5171
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,257 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

    We found Himalayan in the road.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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  • #5172
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,257 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Easter Holidays and I’ve had the sh1ts for 48 hours now.

    The doctor says not to worry as they’ll be back at school soon.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5173
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,041 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    SStolen From a FB quote

    After birth how long does it take for the eyes to open.

    Cows . Immediately

    Goats. 2 hours

    Cats After 6 days

    Dogs > 10days

    Humans- After Marriage



  • #5174
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Ryanair wanted to check my carry on bag. How surprised we all were when Sid James, and Barbara Windsor where inside .



  • #5175
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Technically Trump is the second person of colour to be elected US president.



  • #5176
    silliussoddius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,779 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123345886#Comment_123345886

    Orange is the new black.



  • #5177
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Rory McIlroy needs a break from all the madness so he heads out to his garage, picks a Ferrari and takes off down the freeway.

    He turns onto a back road soon finds himself deep in the sticks. Getting low on petrol pulls into a dilapidated gas station. Taking out his wallet two tees fall on the floor. What they, asks the attendant?

    They're tees said Rory. I use them to rest my balls when driving.

    Well, dang, says the attendant, folks over at Ferrari sure do think of everything.

    Post edited by Dan Steely on


  • #5178
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Yul Brynner was a lifelong liverpool fan who didn't wear aftershave
    Yul never wore cologne



  • #5179
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,257 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    1000007741.png

    ....

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5180
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    The whole world should be worried that North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York.

    If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.



  • #5181
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Don't like all the Islamic weather we've been having this year.


    It's either Sunni or Shi'ite.

    Post edited by Dan Steely on


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  • #5182
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,041 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1BuTq5ywTV/

    Very funny



  • #5183
    FrancieBrady
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 74,121 ✭✭✭✭FrancieBrady


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123483680#Comment_123483680

    That link is like Cavan @cj maxx. there's nothing there.😎



  • #5184
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,041 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123484524#Comment_123484524

    It's opening for me .

    Any way the joke is

    3 brothers live in a house.

    They are 96, 94 and 92 years old.

    The 96 yo puts his foot in the bath , but can't remember if he was getting in or out . He shouts down to his brothers.

    The 94yo goes up to see what's wrong but halfway can't remember if he was going up or coming down the stairs , and shouts out to the 92 yo for help .

    The 92yo was having tea listening to what's going on and says to himself ' I hope I never get that forgetful and knocks on wood knock knock .

    He then shouts to his brothers he'll be up to sort it out as soon as I answer the door

    :))



  • #5185
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've decided I'm gonna start looking for my birth mother.

    I realise of course that I may never find her.

    But that's the risk I took when I dropped her off at IKEA.



  • #5186
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,411 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Went for a job with the RSPB.

    The panel asked what could I tell them about Barn Swallows.

    Me: Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?.



  • #5187
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74
    Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74



  • #5188
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Sadly, the inventor of the ferris wheel never met the inventor of the merry-go-round
    They moved in different circles.



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