The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

iamstop

Do you know what I hate?

Rhetorical Questions.

iamstop

What is a kinda cool root vegetable?

Radish

everlast75

Had to close my 'We buy any Guitar Parts' company when I started receiving Frets in the post!

everlast75

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

Dan Steely

I joined a dating site for people my age. It's called Carbon Dating.

everlast75

BREAKING: Coffee’s status of the best beverage flavour in the world has been upheld amid calls that the vote was unfair due to the number of absent tea ballots

Capt'n Midnight

A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."

The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."

"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."

Capt'n Midnight

Dodged the ticket inspector on the train this afternoon. I'm home free.

everlast75

I love my furniture.

My recliner and I go way back….

New Home

Hoping to get a plumber during the Christmas festivities is a pipe dream.

everlast75

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and with steel balls?

Sparky

Comer1

We had a dog, years ago, who had no legs at all. We called him Woodbine, we used to take him for a drag every day.

iamstop

Where do you find a dog like Woodbine with no legs?

Same place you left him. He's not going anywhere…

Capt'n Midnight

If i could change the colour of just one of the seven dwarves i would dye happy.

iamstop

When I ordered a 42" TV, I wasn't expecting a midget crossdresser!

Capt'n Midnight

Chromosomes.

XX : Female

XY : Male

YYY : Delilah

Dan Steely

Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...
Actually, it makes a vas deferens.

Dan Steely

Why did the full chromosome human go to war?
He was diploid.

everlast75

My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches.

I have promised her I will stop.

silliussoddius

An American tourist is driving through Connemara and see one of the locals using his donkey to take a load of turf out of the bog. he asks the man "Are you taking peat out of the bog?". The local says "No, I'm taking Neddy out of the bog".

everlast75

Me: Do you guys offer late check-out?

Hotel California Concierge: Buddy, I’ve got great news.

everlast75

I phoned my boss this morning.
"I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What?" He answered, sounding a bit annoyed.
"It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"
"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"

Dan Steely

I received a warning at work for poor performance.
We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

Capt'n Midnight

The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.

Capt'n Midnight

I'm expecting to be inundated this Valentine's Day.

By which i mean... I'll be in and undated.

Capt'n Midnight

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
-- Daniel B. Luten

Capt'n Midnight

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

silliussoddius

Does Irish food taste bad?

If cooked correctly, yes.

silliussoddius

I was recently asked at a job interview what my biggest flaw is. I replied: Greek mythology, it's always been my Achilles elbow.

Dan Steely

Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31