The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

A tyrant walks into a bar.....and orders everyone a round.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

Where can I get spelling lessons?

Asking for a freind.

People used to say at School that I always had to be the centre of attention.

But Look at me now!

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was half horse, half human doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control...

I googled "lost mediaeval servant boy".

Got a 404 page not found.

A wino calls into a chemist and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

Chemist refuses

The following day the same chap calls back into the chemist ask again asks for a bottle of meths.

The chemist asks what it's for? Wino replies "The parish priest asked me to clean some stained glass windows"

Satisfied he hands him a bottle, wino places it back on the counter and asks "You wouldn't happen to have a cold bottle?"

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sure it's a screener though, I see a little silhouetto of a man.

Bibi Netanyahu is traveling
The clerk asks him "name?"

he answers, "Benjamin Netanyahu."

the clerk asks "occupation?"

"WE WON IT IN A DEFENSIVE WAR AND ISRAEL IS THE ONLY DEMOCRACY IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!!!"

I used to be involved in organised crime. My front was a stationary shop. I supplied filofaxes to the mafia.

For sale: Box of candy canes.

Mint condition.