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One-Liner Jokes

1…94959799100…118

Comments

  • #4802
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Two old Communists relaxing at a nudist resort;


    "Comrade, have you read Marx?"


    "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs"



  • #4803
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I used to make sand castles with my grandfather until I was told to put the Urn back.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4804
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Sarahjanecares/status/1493596361496973322


    ...



  • #4805
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "Are you aware that Thailand used to have a different name?"

    "Yes, I am."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4806
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 774 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    My mechanic says he can tighten nuts & bolts while hes sitting on them . . . I reckon he's talking out of his arse.

    Pictures of your own bad parking WITH CHAT



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  • #4807
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When i awoke this morning Storm Eunice was really gusting ,so i went and checked on the caravan in the back garden.

    It wasn't there last night

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4808
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Caught my son playing with an electrical socket, had to ground him.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4809
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118666255#Comment_118666255

    Don't worry it's just a phase he's going though.



  • #4810
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    That's shocking!



  • #4811
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118666255#Comment_118666255

    Thanks for keeping us updated on current events on real live down to earth parenting though I prefer a neutral option myself.



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  • #4812
    ballsdeep69
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭ballsdeep69


    What's pink and rusty - Madeline mc Canns bike



  • #4813
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 774 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118668437#Comment_118668437

    Have to say, that's really unfunny and shows very poor taste in humour.

    Pictures of your own bad parking WITH CHAT



  • #4814
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,230 ✭✭✭jj880


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118669837#Comment_118669837

    Total posts 233

    Total thanks 1

    Email address they use for job applications is ballsdeep69@madmail.com



  • #4815
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    This is a joke



  • #4816
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    +1



  • #4817
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Police have yet to identify the man who fell from the roof of a local nightclub last night but all they can say is he wasn’t a bouncer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4818
    ballsdeep69
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭ballsdeep69


    I noticed an old woman must have been in her 80s struggling at an ATM, as I was walking pass she softly spoke asking me "can you help me please", I said "sure thing love what's the problem" she was explaining she was having difficulty checking her balance,

    being the kind soul I am i pushed her over, - She needs to work more on her balance



  • #4819
    ballsdeep69
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭ballsdeep69


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118670100#Comment_118670100

    Hard luck



  • #4820
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My housemate pranked me with a dead pheasant under my bed, does he think this is some kind of game?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4821
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My mother was a librarian. When I was born I was two weeks overdue so I had to pay 20c.



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  • #4822
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My mate said I wasn’t a true Cockney.


     


    So I pushed him down the apples and oranges...



  • #4823
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    This is beyond a joke.



  • #4824
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.


     



    It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.


     



  • #4825
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Just read a superb book about an immortal dog.


     


    It was impossible to put down



  • #4826
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    I knew a joke once



  • #4827
    RayCon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,873 ✭✭✭RayCon


    I'm surprised no physical harm has ever come to Bono, Larry Mullen or Adam Clayton cos when you think about it - they've been living close to The Edge for years.



  • #4828
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,626 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118690708#Comment_118690708

    I think they all live miles apart from each other but they work close enough.

    It’s the pedantic in me, sorry! 🙄



  • #4829
    bonzodog2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,251 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118691166#Comment_118691166

    I believe you meant pedant. Sorry!



  • #4830
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on Christianity.

    He scared the b) Jesus out of me!!



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  • #4831
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have an inferiority complex but not a very good one.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4832
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The person who invented February was fired for taking a few days off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4833
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.



  • #4834
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went to the bank to sort out my mortgage and got directed to someone dressed as a cowboy.

    Think he was the loan arranger

    Post edited by MonkieSocks on

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4835
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/NIAMHBL/status/1503159105350946819


    ...



  • #4836
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I think I tried to post this, but I'm not sure it did.


    https://twitter.com/Sarahjanecares/status/1493596361496973322?


    Post edited by Victor on


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  • #4837
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I logged into a web site “We buy any car”, entered the details.


    They sent me an email asking if the tank was full or empty

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4838
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Alligators can live to be 100 years old, which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4839
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Met a Scouse Girl and asked her “Do you like Avacado?”


     


    She said “No, I can’t drive”



  • #4840
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Husband “When I die I’d like to die having sex”

    Wife “At least we know it’ll be quick”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4841
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Bumped into my one armed mate in Town yesterday and asked him “What are you up to?”


    He said “I’m going to change a lightbulb this afternoon”


    ”Bet that’s going to be a bit tricky for you?”


    ”No, I’ve still got the receipt!”



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  • #4842
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to see that new Elbow tribute band called Arse?


     


     


    They're so good you can't tell them apart.



  • #4843
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Scientists studying the effect of cannabis on seabirds have left no Tern unstoned

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4844
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I phoned my vet to have my cat put down and he said I need to make 9 appointments.



  • #4845
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I used to be a member of a secret cooking society but they kicked me out for spilling the beans.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4846
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118840832#Comment_118840832


    Did they grill you first?



  • #4847
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Two dung beetles meet up at lunchtime.

    Beetle 1: Was that your second dung ball of the morning I just saw you with there?

    Beetle 2: No, would you believe, that was my turd!



  • #4848
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Does anyone know what a Rorschach ink blot test is?

    I Googled it, but all I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4849
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying; 'It isn't working. I'm going back to my mums'

    I opened it, the light was on, the beer was cold; what is she on about?



  • #4850
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Irish potatoes are to die for!













    (Sorry...)



  • #4851
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Good thing Chris Rock didn’t make fun of Alec baldwins wife.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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