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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 78,065 ✭✭✭✭ Victor


    Vultures and humans - I wonder which is freaked out more if their lunch moves by itself.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,470 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Sad to hear about tennis player Boris Becker going to prison.

    His services will no longer be available.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,470 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

    He said no

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo


    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…


    So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!



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  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo



    Two goldfish go into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long faeces?"



  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo


     


    I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."


     


    "That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"


     


    "I'm not sure to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,065 ✭✭✭✭ Victor




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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,766 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,470 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I thought i could balance a 5 gallon bucket of tipex on my head, but I stand corrected.

    Post edited by MonkieSocks on

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo


     


    I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."



    I asked "Are you single?"



    She replied "No, I'm a dentist."



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,470 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    After my funeral I have arranged for someone to use my phone to text all my family and friends " Thank you for coming , see you soon"

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



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  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo


    I'm slowly getting over my obsession with Tipperary but there's a long way to go!



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,470 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,382 ✭✭✭ sam t smith


    Why did the baker have brown hands?

    Because he needed a poo. 💩



  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo



      


    A bloke on a night time fishing session decides to start a conversation with the angler next to him.



    "Alright mate. Here on holiday?"



    "Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."



    "On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home **** the life out your missus?"



    "Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."



    "Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the **** out of her arse?"



    "Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."



    "Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the **** did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"



    "For the maggots."


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭ xlogo


    Two pensioners go to Macdonalds.


    The husband orders one Big Mac and Fries.


    He places the meal on the table between them.


    A young man looking on walks over and offers to buy a second meal for them.


    ”No thanks” says the husband, “we always share everything”


    The young man walks away and watches as he takes out the meal.


    He cuts the burger in half, counts the chips and gives half the meal to his wife.


    The young man comes back. “Please let me buy you a second meal”


    ”No thanks” says the husband, “as I said, “we always share everything”.


    The man starts to eat his meal as his wife looks on, not touching her food.


    The young man comes back a third time, and speaks to the wife.


    ”I know you will not accept a meal, but why are you not eating your food?”


    The wife replies “I’m waiting for the teeth”



  • Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭ busy bee 33


    He was a gas man, wasn’t he?


    [SPOILER]Hitler[/SPOILER]



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,026 ✭✭✭ Worztron


    @xlogo Hmm, those are hardly one-liners.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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