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One-Liner Jokes

1…155156158160161…203

Comments

  • #4712
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local shop...I don't know how these people sleep at night

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4713
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid. Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4714
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Which artist was the first Frenchman to have an additional toilet built into his house?

    Toulouse Lautrec.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4715
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What I if told you you read this sentence wrong?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4716
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I returned a sweater because of static cling.

    They gave another one free of charge.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4717
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I asked my wife why we never talk about gravity, She said it just never seems to come up

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4718
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 22,548 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118144594#Comment_118144594

    Underrated :)



  • #4719
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,808 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/runcertain/status/1458400015995580416


    ...



  • #4720
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Always give 100%, unless it's blood

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4721
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    This morning I learnt that Albert Einstein was a real person,Up until now, I'd always thought he was a theoretical physicist.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4722
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The inventor of autocorrect has died, His funnel is tomato

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4723
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    my other half drank a pint of invisible ink last night - she's still in A&E waiting to be seen.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4724
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic, but it turned out to be a false Salaam.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4725
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4726
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Grandpa just revealed he's addicted to Viagra and nobody's taking it harder than Grandma.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4727
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Surely, if robots had a gender, it would be emale.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4728
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I don't know why everybody hates lazy people, We didn't even do anything.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4729
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    A Blind guy walks into a bar... and a chair and a table.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4730
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4731
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with Star Wars.

    I told her, "may divorce be with you."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4732
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today, their mom was furious.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4733
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,882 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    "Sorry sir, we don't take €50 notes any more, we've had too much trouble with forgeries."

    "Okay. Will you take a €30 note?"



  • #4734
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,566 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Someone’s been spreading rumours on Facebook that I’m a schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game.



  • #4735
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I tried to send Bugs Bunny a file through Google Drive, but he only accepts a Whatsapp doc.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4736
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I dyed my hair today,It was the highlight of my week.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4737
    boombang
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,104 ✭✭✭boombang


    Just looked up the recipe for French toast, turns out you don't start off with French bread.



  • #4738
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes,It's all about raisin awareness.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4739
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I knew an electrician who died eating a muffin. He was dragged under by a strong currant.



  • #4740
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

    A Meanderthal.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4741
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,629 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've never trusted lizards.. right from the gecko

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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