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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The girl who works at the corner shop married the guy from the mini mart. It's a marriage of convenience.



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Accordion to Recent Studies, 99% of the Population Won't Notice a Musical Instrument Hidden in a Sentence

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My boss said he is going to fire the person with the worst posture and I have a hunch its me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,486 ✭✭✭chooseusername




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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went to the hospital for a vasectomy, ended up with a labotomy. I’ve half a mind to complain.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a pre-frontal lobotomy



  • Registered Users Posts: 271 ✭✭Johnwayne98


    I'm going to work in the city of Seoul.

    I think it'll be a good Korea move.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A perfectionist walks into a bar, apparently the bar was not set high enough.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I once covered my scrotum in glitter and the results was pretty nuts

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I got arrested at the airport because apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When I was heading to the toilet on a plane I saw my friend further back. "Hi Jack"



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Juan

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The gap between rungs on a latter has increased over the years because people have become taller. This is now known as climb it change.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    “What’s the difference between an old dirty bus depot and an old lobster with breast implants?

    One’s a crusty old bus station and the other is a busty old crustacean!”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I found out they had a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my ar5e

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I can't wait to walk down the aisle one day and hear those magical words... "This is your pilot speaking..."



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went for a job yesterday at IKEA and got it. They’re sending me off on a shelf-awareness course in the first week.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If one Domino's pizza shop collapses, would the others then fall in succession?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I used to think it was L-Dominos. Like the signs on their bikes.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just about passed my Apiarist exam - I got a B

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My missus left me because I’m too insecure.

    No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    An opinion poll shows 85% of Republican Americans would rather take the horse worming drug ivermectin than get vaccinated against covid.


    The survey was done by Gallup.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Joined a dating site for arsonists the other day. It's really good, they send me new matches every day!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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