Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local shop...I don't know how these people sleep at night
My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid. Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
Which artist was the first Frenchman to have an additional toilet built into his house?
What I if told you you read this sentence wrong?
I returned a sweater because of static cling.
They gave another one free of charge.
I asked my wife why we never talk about gravity, She said it just never seems to come up
Always give 100%, unless it's blood
This morning I learnt that Albert Einstein was a real person,Up until now, I'd always thought he was a theoretical physicist.
The inventor of autocorrect has died, His funnel is tomato
my other half drank a pint of invisible ink last night - she's still in A&E waiting to be seen.
I thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic, but it turned out to be a false Salaam.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.
Grandpa just revealed he's addicted to Viagra and nobody's taking it harder than Grandma.
Surely, if robots had a gender, it would be emale.
I don't know why everybody hates lazy people, We didn't even do anything.
A Blind guy walks into a bar... and a chair and a table.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not
My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with Star Wars.
I told her, "may divorce be with you."
I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today, their mom was furious.
"Sorry sir, we don't take €50 notes any more, we've had too much trouble with forgeries."
"Okay. Will you take a €30 note?"
Someone’s been spreading rumours on Facebook that I’m a schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game.
I tried to send Bugs Bunny a file through Google Drive, but he only accepts a Whatsapp doc.
I dyed my hair today,It was the highlight of my week.
Just looked up the recipe for French toast, turns out you don't start off with French bread.
I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes,It's all about raisin awareness.
I knew an electrician who died eating a muffin. He was dragged under by a strong currant.
What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?
I've never trusted lizards.. right from the gecko