Advertisement
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

One-Liner Jokes

1…154155157159160…203

Comments

  • #4682
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Magnificent Seven cast were booked to do an advert for after shave in Liverpool.

    Only six turned up. Yul never wore cologne.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4683
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was telling a border collie some jokes about sheep, but he'd herd them all before.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4684
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a nun on a motor scooter?..........................A Vespal Virgin

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4685
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117990493#Comment_117990493

    Sad news from the Welsh sheepdog trials. Five of them were hung.



  • #4686
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117964389#Comment_117964389


    Welcome to Boards.IE

    image.png


    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #4687
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Took the girlfriend out for dinner and played footsie under the table while we were eating. I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4688
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My dog ate my game of Scrabble, his next poop could spell disaster.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4689
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Edam is the only cheese that is made backwards.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4690
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The government says that smoking weed causes memory loss.

    That's rubbish, next thing they'll say smoking weed causes memory loss?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4691
    geminiman63
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 135 ✭✭geminiman63


    You have to be careful when hiking on volcanoes.

    If you stumble, you might Krakatoa two.



  • Advertisement
  • #4692
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke that was posted about a week back?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4693
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,634 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118038057#Comment_118038057

    What do you call a chiropractor that loves his job?

    A crack addict.


    I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problems

    2 weeks later, I stand corrected


    Anyone need some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

    I have lots of back issues.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #4694
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I was young, my dad used to hit me with his camera, I still have flashbacks.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4695
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just bought a 20' high motorbike! - I'll let you know how i got on later tonight

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4696
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,264 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    You can prove anything with coats.

    I'll get my quote.



  • #4697
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Of all the different blood groups, type-o's seem to make the most spelling mistakes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4698
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,809 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Bill_Linnane/status/1452205402884648971


    ...



  • #4699
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,809 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Dawn_Galway/status/1451913296806912006


    ...



  • #4700
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just found out my girlfriends a ghost. To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4701
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads I can tell ya.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #4702
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call an Italian beggar?

    Giovanni Change

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4703
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,634 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118083498#Comment_118083498

    What do you call an Irish bodyguard?

    Liam Malone

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #4704
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just bought some HP sauce.

    It's 10 Cents a month for 2 years.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4705
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to a fat psychic once, or as I like to say, a 4 chin teller.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4706
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,567 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.



  • #4707
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm making a film about a plane hijacking - we're shooting the pilot this weekend.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4708
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 9,284 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    What did the horse say to the one-legged cowboy?

    How you getting on?



  • #4709
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Everyone always talks about what a genius Albert Einstein was but they never mention what a monster his brother Frank was. :-D

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4710
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes…it all about raisin awareness

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #4711
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



Advertisement