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One-Liner Jokes

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  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks



    Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I needed to create storage space on my wall, so I went to the library and asked if they had any books on shelves.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,307 ✭✭✭FishOnABike


    Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?



    because one egg is un oeuf.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    And the Lord said unto Luke, "Come forth & receive eternal life." Luke came fifth and won a toaster...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Three times now my friends have promised to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and three times they've failed to show up.

    Here I go again on my own.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

    It's a little fit bunny...

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife just called me from work to say that 2 girls in her office had received flowers this morning and they were absolutely gorgeous.

    I said ‘That’s probably why they received flowers!!’

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What's with the hate towards lazy people?

    They haven't done anything!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Registered Users Posts: 54 ✭✭smillingsam


    I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,110 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    The worst part is walking home on your own, in still of the night.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Accidentally took my cats meds.

    Don't ask meow.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If anyone has a better fish pun, let minnow.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,823 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    To stop talking like a sports commentator is one of my GOOOOAAAALLLLLLLSSS!!!!



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just failed my ventriloquist exams..... I can't say I'm surprised!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My math teacher said I was average which is just mean

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Walked in to B&Q the other day to be met by a guy in a bright orange t shirt asking me if I wanted decking…. Luckily I got the first punch in

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 561 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    French people are so hard they eat pain for breakfast.





  • An elephant walks into a bar.

    The barkeep shouts; "Get out, we don't serve trunks in here."



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    why do elephants have big ears ?

    noddy wouldn't pay the ransom



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" confused.

    Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Say what you like about deaf people. They can't hear you.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wrote a book about how to build a yacht in your attic.

    Sails are going through the roof

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went house hunting this morning….

    I managed to shoot two bungalows and a cottage …

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two egotists started a fight – it was an I for an I

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,209 ✭✭✭✭Victor




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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Yesterday I went fox hunting with my double-barrelled shotgun. Boom! Boom!



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