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One-Liner Jokes

1…9192949697…118

Comments

  • #4652
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Trip the light fantastic. Said no-one ever who's come home late and drunk to a dark house.



  • #4653
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,226 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I left with my head held high.



  • #4654
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Ironically, mullets most likely originated to stop red necks.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4655
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Busted, cracked, crushed, destroyed, fractured, shattered, smashed... Sorry! I'm speaking broken English again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4656
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A philosopher and a theologian, both blind, are challenged to go into a pitch-black room and find a black cat that isn’t there. The theologian finds him

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4657
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    So i went to the video shop over the weekend. Asked if i could rent Batman Forever - they said no, just the evening.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4658
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Debunking was the reason James Randi got out of bed every morning

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4659
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    It's interesting how different a sentence is when you move an apostrophe.

    Hungry: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friend's.

    Savage: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friends'.

    Monstrous: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friends.



  • #4660
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My great Grandad was a soldier in WW1 who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray attacks. He was a seasoned veteran.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4661
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Two antennas fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #4662
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Police are receiving reports of a fight between a dentist and a manicurist. Witnesses are saying they were fighting tooth and nail.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4663
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Sundae_Gurl2/status/1440151781426667535


    ...



  • #4664
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I couldn't get my jogging trousers off yesterday....the doctor says I need an emergency trackybottomy

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4665
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4666
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Sundae_Gurl2/status/1440642474314141704


    ...



  • #4667
    Mehaffey1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,614 ✭✭✭Mehaffey1


    Our Swedish engineer was fired today for rounding heads on too many bolts. Guess that was end for Mr. Gudandtightsson.



  • #4668
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.

    Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

    Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4669
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Breaking News: A man swallowed by a whale managed to escape by running to the other end until he was all pooped out.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4670
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I thought gluing a Piranha fish to a boomerang was a good idea but it came back to bite me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4671
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,226 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I bought a jack-in-the-box on eBay for €2. It doesn’t work. I’m not surprised.



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  • #4672
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing. It's my oughtobiography.



  • #4673
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,226 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I just watched a documentary about how they built the channel tunnel. It was really boring.



  • #4674
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just bought a wig for a euro shop, it was a small price toupee.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4675
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now !

    -- Bob Monkhouse

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #4676
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,869 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117951261#Comment_117951261

    Good old Bob Monkhouse, much underrated.



  • #4677
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I am blooming sick of lollipop ladies.

    They make me cross.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4678
    Will_I_Amnt
    Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭Will_I_Amnt


    a famous comedian: When I told my family I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me. Well they're not laughing at me now!



  • #4679
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,869 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117964389#Comment_117964389

    Well, Will_U_Amnt reading this thread.



  • #4680
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    In work as part of team bonding we had to list 10 sexual innuendos.


    I accidentally wrote down 11 and had to rub one out

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4681
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer at the local church on Tomorrow.

    As it's my first day they'll probably just show me the ropes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4682
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Magnificent Seven cast were booked to do an advert for after shave in Liverpool.

    Only six turned up. Yul never wore cologne.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4683
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was telling a border collie some jokes about sheep, but he'd herd them all before.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4684
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a nun on a motor scooter?..........................A Vespal Virgin

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4685
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117990493#Comment_117990493

    Sad news from the Welsh sheepdog trials. Five of them were hung.



  • #4686
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117964389#Comment_117964389


    Welcome to Boards.IE

    image.png


    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4687
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Took the girlfriend out for dinner and played footsie under the table while we were eating. I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4688
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My dog ate my game of Scrabble, his next poop could spell disaster.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4689
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Edam is the only cheese that is made backwards.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4690
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The government says that smoking weed causes memory loss.

    That's rubbish, next thing they'll say smoking weed causes memory loss?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4691
    geminiman63
    Registered Users Posts: 125 ✭✭geminiman63


    You have to be careful when hiking on volcanoes.

    If you stumble, you might Krakatoa two.



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  • #4692
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke that was posted about a week back?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4693
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118038057#Comment_118038057

    What do you call a chiropractor that loves his job?

    A crack addict.


    I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problems

    2 weeks later, I stand corrected


    Anyone need some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

    I have lots of back issues.



  • #4694
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I was young, my dad used to hit me with his camera, I still have flashbacks.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4695
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just bought a 20' high motorbike! - I'll let you know how i got on later tonight

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4696
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    You can prove anything with coats.

    I'll get my quote.



  • #4697
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Of all the different blood groups, type-o's seem to make the most spelling mistakes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4698
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Bill_Linnane/status/1452205402884648971


    ...



  • #4699
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Dawn_Galway/status/1451913296806912006


    ...



  • #4700
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just found out my girlfriends a ghost. To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4701
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads I can tell ya.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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