Trip the light fantastic. Said no-one ever who's come home late and drunk to a dark house.
I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I left with my head held high.
Ironically, mullets most likely originated to stop red necks.
Busted, cracked, crushed, destroyed, fractured, shattered, smashed... Sorry! I'm speaking broken English again.
A philosopher and a theologian, both blind, are challenged to go into a pitch-black room and find a black cat that isn’t there. The theologian finds him
So i went to the video shop over the weekend. Asked if i could rent Batman Forever - they said no, just the evening.
Debunking was the reason James Randi got out of bed every morning
It's interesting how different a sentence is when you move an apostrophe.
Hungry: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friend's.
Savage: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friends'.
Monstrous: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friends.
My great Grandad was a soldier in WW1 who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray attacks. He was a seasoned veteran.
Two antennas fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
Police are receiving reports of a fight between a dentist and a manicurist. Witnesses are saying they were fighting tooth and nail.
I couldn't get my jogging trousers off yesterday....the doctor says I need an emergency trackybottomy
To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now.
Our Swedish engineer was fired today for rounding heads on too many bolts. Guess that was end for Mr. Gudandtightsson.
Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.
Breaking News: A man swallowed by a whale managed to escape by running to the other end until he was all pooped out.
I thought gluing a Piranha fish to a boomerang was a good idea but it came back to bite me
I bought a jack-in-the-box on eBay for €2. It doesn’t work. I’m not surprised.
I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing. It's my oughtobiography.
I just watched a documentary about how they built the channel tunnel. It was really boring.
I just bought a wig for a euro shop, it was a small price toupee.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now !
-- Bob Monkhouse
Good old Bob Monkhouse, much underrated.
I am blooming sick of lollipop ladies.
They make me cross.
a famous comedian: When I told my family I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me. Well they're not laughing at me now!
Well, Will_U_Amnt reading this thread.
In work as part of team bonding we had to list 10 sexual innuendos.
I accidentally wrote down 11 and had to rub one out
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer at the local church on Tomorrow.
As it's my first day they'll probably just show me the ropes.