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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4652
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,264 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Trip the light fantastic. Said no-one ever who's come home late and drunk to a dark house.



  • #4653
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,566 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I left with my head held high.



  • #4654
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Ironically, mullets most likely originated to stop red necks.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4655
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Busted, cracked, crushed, destroyed, fractured, shattered, smashed... Sorry! I'm speaking broken English again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4656
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A philosopher and a theologian, both blind, are challenged to go into a pitch-black room and find a black cat that isn’t there. The theologian finds him

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4657
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    So i went to the video shop over the weekend. Asked if i could rent Batman Forever - they said no, just the evening.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4658
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Debunking was the reason James Randi got out of bed every morning

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4659
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,804 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    It's interesting how different a sentence is when you move an apostrophe.

    Hungry: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friend's.

    Savage: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friends'.

    Monstrous: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friends.



  • #4660
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My great Grandad was a soldier in WW1 who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray attacks. He was a seasoned veteran.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4661
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Two antennas fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #4662
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Police are receiving reports of a fight between a dentist and a manicurist. Witnesses are saying they were fighting tooth and nail.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4663
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,804 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Sundae_Gurl2/status/1440151781426667535


    ...



  • #4664
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I couldn't get my jogging trousers off yesterday....the doctor says I need an emergency trackybottomy

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4665
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4666
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,804 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Sundae_Gurl2/status/1440642474314141704


    ...



  • #4667
    Mehaffey1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,684 ✭✭✭Mehaffey1


    Our Swedish engineer was fired today for rounding heads on too many bolts. Guess that was end for Mr. Gudandtightsson.



  • #4668
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.

    Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

    Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4669
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Breaking News: A man swallowed by a whale managed to escape by running to the other end until he was all pooped out.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4670
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I thought gluing a Piranha fish to a boomerang was a good idea but it came back to bite me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4671
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,566 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I bought a jack-in-the-box on eBay for €2. It doesn’t work. I’m not surprised.



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  • #4672
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,991 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing. It's my oughtobiography.



  • #4673
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,566 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I just watched a documentary about how they built the channel tunnel. It was really boring.



  • #4674
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just bought a wig for a euro shop, it was a small price toupee.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4675
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,991 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now !

    -- Bob Monkhouse

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #4676
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 4,603 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117951261#Comment_117951261

    Good old Bob Monkhouse, much underrated.



  • #4677
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I am blooming sick of lollipop ladies.

    They make me cross.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4678
    Will_I_Amnt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 483 ✭✭Will_I_Amnt


    a famous comedian: When I told my family I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me. Well they're not laughing at me now!



  • #4679
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 4,603 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117964389#Comment_117964389

    Well, Will_U_Amnt reading this thread.



  • #4680
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    In work as part of team bonding we had to list 10 sexual innuendos.


    I accidentally wrote down 11 and had to rub one out

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4681
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer at the local church on Tomorrow.

    As it's my first day they'll probably just show me the ropes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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