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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4412
    Ish66
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 462 ✭✭Ish66


    viz-death-bed.jpg


  • #4413
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,566 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I’m selling more dungarees than ever but overall sales are down.


  • #4414
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When my daughter asked me if trees poop I told her that's how we get number 2 pencils.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4415
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,430 ✭✭✭trashcan


    The grim reaper came for me last night, but I managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death !


  • #4416
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,430 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself, “that guy is heading for a breakdown.”


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  • #4417
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,430 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Was sitting opposite an Indian lady on the bus yesterday. She closed her eyes and went very still. I feared she was dead for a minute. Then I saw the red spot on her head and realised she was just on standby.


  • #4418
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have a friend from North Korea and i asked him what it's like there. He said he can't complain.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4419
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,952 ✭✭✭Worztron


    eBay is brilliant. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 5th time this week!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4420
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


  • #4421
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,274 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Didn't you see the "Made in Australia" label, Capt'n?


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  • #4422
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,826 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Told my cockney friend that my rich uncle left me sod all in his will. He said 'Cor that's got to be worth a bit'


  • #4423
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a Bird in a suit of Armour? A Knight Owl.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4424
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Didn't you see the "Made in Australia" label, Capt'n?
    There was nothing like that. Just a label that said "ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ uᴉ ǝpɐW"


  • #4425
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,274 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Ah well then, you couldn't possibly have know.


  • #4426
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I told my Doctor "I'm addicted to twitter."...Doctor: "I'm sorry I don't follow you.”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4427
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, mostly because his name is Steve.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4428
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I don’t like people who take drugs…for example, airport security.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4429
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,809 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/martinbeanz/status/1374141777163194371


  • #4430
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Marriage is like a deck of cards.
    In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond...By the end, you wish you had a club and spade.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4431
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4432
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,779 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #4433
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,826 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »
    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.


    Have to say I've N Ever Given it much thought!


  • #4434
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »
    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.
    Actually they're Evergreen


  • #4435
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,826 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    'Sure what harm would it do to leave the bridge for a bit and look over at the Pyramids?'


  • #4436
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,809 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Actually they're Evergreen
    Boo! Hiss!


  • #4437
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    GuyI know has an addiction to computers that is getting alt of ctrl.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4438
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Don't bother with those Ancestry DNA kits just announce that you've won the lottery, you'll soon find out who you're related to.


  • #4439
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Victor wrote: »
    Boo! Hiss!
    Some people find blocked Suez Canal jokes funny. Others don't.

    Whatever floats your boat, I guess.


  • #4440
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,274 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    No point in dredging up the past, Capt'n, it's all water under the bridge.


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  • #4441
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you're trying to pull a fast one?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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