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One-Liner Jokes

1…8687899192…118

Comments

  • #4402
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Victor wrote: »
    https://twitter.com/corneil/status/1368512447477342216

    It's a bit like, why is there no easy way to remember how to spell the word mnemonic?


  • #4403
    ohnonotgmail
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,513 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    Blind prostitutes are the best, you really have to hand it to them.


  • #4404
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Thank God international women’s day is over. I’m bloody starving !


  • #4405
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and soon discovered he seriously misunderstood the objective.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4406
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet, with great results I must say. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...............


  • #4407
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,116 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Did you know....

    M Night Shyamalan has a sister called Woahblackbetty?


  • #4408
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gaming obsession. Bit of a strange thing to Fallout 4. Need someone to Console me. Time for a Switch anyway.


  • #4409
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    My question is do obese people need to accept some responsibility and step up to the plate?


  • #4410
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is one of the longest words in the dictionary — and, in an ironic twist, is the name for a fear of long words.


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  • #4411
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    This bloke came in to my shop today and asked me, "Why is that exit sign flickering on & off?"

    I said, "It's on the way out".....

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4412
    Ish66
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 462 ✭✭Ish66


    viz-death-bed.jpg


  • #4413
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,222 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I’m selling more dungarees than ever but overall sales are down.


  • #4414
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When my daughter asked me if trees poop I told her that's how we get number 2 pencils.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4415
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    The grim reaper came for me last night, but I managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death !


  • #4416
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself, “that guy is heading for a breakdown.”


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  • #4417
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Was sitting opposite an Indian lady on the bus yesterday. She closed her eyes and went very still. I feared she was dead for a minute. Then I saw the red spot on her head and realised she was just on standby.


  • #4418
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have a friend from North Korea and i asked him what it's like there. He said he can't complain.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4419
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    eBay is brilliant. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 5th time this week!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4420
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


  • #4421
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Didn't you see the "Made in Australia" label, Capt'n?


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  • #4422
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Told my cockney friend that my rich uncle left me sod all in his will. He said 'Cor that's got to be worth a bit'


  • #4423
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a Bird in a suit of Armour? A Knight Owl.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4424
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Didn't you see the "Made in Australia" label, Capt'n?
    There was nothing like that. Just a label that said "ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ uᴉ ǝpɐW"


  • #4425
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Ah well then, you couldn't possibly have know.


  • #4426
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I told my Doctor "I'm addicted to twitter."...Doctor: "I'm sorry I don't follow you.”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4427
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, mostly because his name is Steve.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4428
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I don’t like people who take drugs…for example, airport security.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4429
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/martinbeanz/status/1374141777163194371


  • #4430
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Marriage is like a deck of cards.
    In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond...By the end, you wish you had a club and spade.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4431
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4432
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,623 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #4433
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »
    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.


    Have to say I've N Ever Given it much thought!


  • #4434
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »
    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.
    Actually they're Evergreen


  • #4435
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    'Sure what harm would it do to leave the bridge for a bit and look over at the Pyramids?'


  • #4436
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Actually they're Evergreen
    Boo! Hiss!


  • #4437
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    GuyI know has an addiction to computers that is getting alt of ctrl.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4438
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Don't bother with those Ancestry DNA kits just announce that you've won the lottery, you'll soon find out who you're related to.


  • #4439
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Victor wrote: »
    Boo! Hiss!
    Some people find blocked Suez Canal jokes funny. Others don't.

    Whatever floats your boat, I guess.


  • #4440
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    No point in dredging up the past, Capt'n, it's all water under the bridge.


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  • #4441
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you're trying to pull a fast one?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4442
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,116 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    All GAA refs to be vaccinated this week. Heard it from a whistleblower


  • #4443
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Clown divorces always end in lengthy custardy battles

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4444
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you're trying to pull a fast one?
    Maybe a cheetah ?


  • #4445
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The secret to being smart is knowing when to play dumb.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4446
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Maybe a cheetah ?


    A Lion Cheetah! Like a country music song.


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  • #4447
    gormdubhgorm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,900 ✭✭✭✭gormdubhgorm


    The difference between men and women.
    Women can't keep secrets, men can. Men can't hold in a fart, women can.
    If you want a woman to keep a secret, whisper it up her arse.


    (Billy Connolly)

    --

    I know it is not strictly a one liner - too funny not to mention.

    Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.



  • #4448
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    After the honeymoon I felt like a new man. My wife felt the same!


  • #4449
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    saabsaab wrote: »
    A Lion Cheetah! Like a country music song.
    Hard to hide. They are always spotted


  • #4450
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Hard to hide. They are always spotted


    'You're Lyin and cheetin you devil you
    I can't believe, my love was true
    My heart is broke like a deserted Zoo
    all since you said that we are thro'


  • #4451
    Rotting Carrot
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 36 ✭Rotting Carrot


    Just yesterday at work, this fella was standing in front of the doorway (double doors). He was talking to someone else standing elsewhere. I was coming from the other side, and both doors were closed, but I could see through the glass of the door. I presume he just stopped for a quick chat before going through the doors,. His back was turned, but I could see that if he didn't move that I'd be able to pass through easily without bumping the door into him. It was one of those moments where you'd be unsure as to whether you should make you're presence known or not. Anyway, I couldn't have been bothered! So as I passed through he turned to see what was passing, and as I walked on I heard him say "you gave me a fright". With my back turned I replied "I meant to"!


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