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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 392 ✭✭ Ish66


    viz-death-bed.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,614 ✭✭✭ barneygumble99


    I’m selling more dungarees than ever but overall sales are down.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    When my daughter asked me if trees poop I told her that's how we get number 2 pencils.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,044 ✭✭✭ trashcan


    The grim reaper came for me last night, but I managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death !


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,044 ✭✭✭ trashcan


    Was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself, “that guy is heading for a breakdown.”


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,044 ✭✭✭ trashcan


    Was sitting opposite an Indian lady on the bus yesterday. She closed her eyes and went very still. I feared she was dead for a minute. Then I saw the red spot on her head and realised she was just on standby.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I have a friend from North Korea and i asked him what it's like there. He said he can't complain.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,978 ✭✭✭ Worztron


    eBay is brilliant. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 5th time this week!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,003 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 71,193 Mod ✭✭✭✭ New Home


    Didn't you see the "Made in Australia" label, Capt'n?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,460 ✭✭✭ saabsaab


    Told my cockney friend that my rich uncle left me sod all in his will. He said 'Cor that's got to be worth a bit'


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    What do you call a Bird in a suit of Armour? A Knight Owl.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,003 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Didn't you see the "Made in Australia" label, Capt'n?
    There was nothing like that. Just a label that said "ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ uᴉ ǝpɐW"


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 71,193 Mod ✭✭✭✭ New Home


    Ah well then, you couldn't possibly have know.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I told my Doctor "I'm addicted to twitter."...Doctor: "I'm sorry I don't follow you.”


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, mostly because his name is Steve.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I don’t like people who take drugs…for example, airport security.


  • Registered Users Posts: 77,979 ✭✭✭✭ Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Marriage is like a deck of cards.
    In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond...By the end, you wish you had a club and spade.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 29,821 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,460 ✭✭✭ saabsaab


    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.


    Have to say I've N Ever Given it much thought!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,003 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    It's too late to make Suez Canal jokes now. That ship has sailed.
    Actually they're Evergreen


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,460 ✭✭✭ saabsaab


    'Sure what harm would it do to leave the bridge for a bit and look over at the Pyramids?'


  • Registered Users Posts: 77,979 ✭✭✭✭ Victor


    Actually they're Evergreen
    Boo! Hiss!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    GuyI know has an addiction to computers that is getting alt of ctrl.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,003 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Don't bother with those Ancestry DNA kits just announce that you've won the lottery, you'll soon find out who you're related to.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,003 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Victor wrote: »
    Boo! Hiss!
    Some people find blocked Suez Canal jokes funny. Others don't.

    Whatever floats your boat, I guess.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 71,193 Mod ✭✭✭✭ New Home


    No point in dredging up the past, Capt'n, it's all water under the bridge.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,387 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you're trying to pull a fast one?


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