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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    To all my scouse friends out there, you are being offered a jab, not a job.

    So don't panic.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,316 ✭✭✭ greenspurs


    Meat Loaf got married to an accountant ..


    He'll do anything for love, but he wont do Vat...


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,657 ✭✭✭✭ denartha


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!

    Are you calling Kerry a hole?


  • Registered Users Posts: 77,992 ✭✭✭✭ Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Boredom has led me to swap the labels on my wife's spices.

    She hasn't realised yet, but her thyme is cumin.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,596 ✭✭✭ chooseusername


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!
    denartha wrote: »
    Are you calling Kerry a hole?
    Far from it.
    A Brendan Grace (I think) joke;
    A Jarvey taking a yank tourist up the Gap, pointing out the sights;
    "That's Craantool the highest mountain in Ireland"
    The Yank says "Gee I think that one over there is higher" pointing to Beenkeragh.
    The Jarvey, not wanting to risk a nice tip, replies;
    "I think you're right, it's down in a bit of a holla alright"
    and everyone was happy!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?


  • Registered Users Posts: 177 ✭✭ The YOPPA


    Two years ago my Doctor told me I was going deaf.
    I haven't heard from him since!!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,207 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    I've decided to respect Harry and Meghan's request for privacy by not watching their Oprah interview.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Just found out that my uncle is a mime artist. He kept that quiet.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,469 ✭✭✭ saabsaab


    What's the worst medal to win at the Olympics?
    Must be the Silver. Gold is great the bronze is a consolation prize as you weren't really going to win and the Silver means you are the best loser!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,207 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    I was kidnapped by mime artists.

    They did unspeakable things to me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭✭ Chawosfski


    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !


  • Registered Users Posts: 77,992 ✭✭✭✭ Victor


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !

    No, I'm Tom.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,207 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    Your Czech

    No I'm not

    Your bill sir !
    Sir I'm saying you need to pay


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Chawosfski wrote: »
    .


    Welcome to Boards.ie

    jester.gif


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    The first rule of Mime Club is that no one talks about Mime Club.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    First time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself “this changes everything”.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,849 ✭✭✭ joeguevara


    I told my Dad that I failed my biology exam. He replied 'I'm your mum'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 77,992 ✭✭✭✭ Victor




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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,657 ✭✭✭✭ denartha


    Victor wrote: »

    It's a bit like, why is there no easy way to remember how to spell the word mnemonic?


  • Registered Users Posts: 35,383 ✭✭✭✭ ohnonotgmail


    Blind prostitutes are the best, you really have to hand it to them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,065 ✭✭✭ trashcan


    Thank God international women’s day is over. I’m bloody starving !


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and soon discovered he seriously misunderstood the objective.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,065 ✭✭✭ trashcan


    My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet, with great results I must say. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...............


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,023 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    Did you know....

    M Night Shyamalan has a sister called Woahblackbetty?


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,849 ✭✭✭ joeguevara


    My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gaming obsession. Bit of a strange thing to Fallout 4. Need someone to Console me. Time for a Switch anyway.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,469 ✭✭✭ saabsaab


    My question is do obese people need to accept some responsibility and step up to the plate?


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,849 ✭✭✭ joeguevara


    Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is one of the longest words in the dictionary — and, in an ironic twist, is the name for a fear of long words.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,410 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    This bloke came in to my shop today and asked me, "Why is that exit sign flickering on & off?"

    I said, "It's on the way out".....


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