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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4322
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,740 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    7u9yidwspz.jpg
    https://media.ifunny.com/results/2015/09/13/7u9yidwspz.jpg


  • #4323
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My mates wife asked him what would stop the stairs from creaking?
    Apparently Slimming World was not the right answer!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4324
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've made a ventriloquist dummy out of an old carpet. It's ruggish.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4325
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4326
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just bought a sweet car online, previously owned by Neil Diamond.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4327
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,871 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    To be honest, I haven't seen a fly (or any other insect) in months, but I stuck on the heater in the bathroom a while before I had a shower and when I walked in, guess who is flying around in there?

    Michael Bloody O'Leary.


  • #4328
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,548 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I love that movie "Groundhog Day" ...... i could watch it over and over and over ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4329
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,341 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I'm in a bad place. Not mentally. Just in Bray.


  • #4330
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.With just the tip.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4331
    blueskys
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 162 ✭✭blueskys


    There's a fella on Moore street selling AstraZeneca shots for 2 euro each. Or 3 for a Pfizer.


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  • #4332
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,642 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Yesterday was the final day of the annual sheepdog trials. All the sheepdogs were found not guilty.


  • #4333
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,982 ✭✭✭Worztron


    "Doctor, I think I'm going deaf." Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms." "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4334
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating organ in the body but then I realized look who’s telling me that.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4335
    The YOPPA
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 177 ✭✭The YOPPA


    I got a brand new 70" TV for my Wife....not a bad swap!


  • #4336
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Unfortunately, it seems I've caught covid from my cat.

    Don't ask meow.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4337
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,931 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Unfortunately, it seems I've caught covid from my cat.

    Don't ask meow.


    Must give cat owners pause for thought!


  • #4338
    simongurnick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭simongurnick


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Unfortunately, it seems I've caught covid from my cat.

    Don't ask meow.

    Don't worry, soon you will be feline fine.


  • #4339
    Timberrrrrrrr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,033 ✭✭✭✭Timberrrrrrrr


    Ah yes, but fur how long?


  • #4340
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,481 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »
    Ah yes, but fur how long?
    Until you're purrfect again


  • #4341
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,548 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Unfortunately, it seems I've caught covid from my cat.

    Don't ask meow.
    saabsaab wrote: »
    Must give cat owners pause for thought!
    simongurnick wrote: »
    Don't worry, soon you will be feline fine.
    Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »
    Ah yes, but fur how long?
    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Until you're purrfect again

    :D:D:D:D:D
    Bravo........
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #4342
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog's bowl; I said I didn't know they could.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4343
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just been rushed to hospital and diagnosed with the highly contagious Peek-a-Boo virus.They're transferring me to ICU.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4344
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,931 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    How do you tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral one?
    ..The taste!


  • #4345
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My pillow slipped off the bed last night and I fell off and landed on it.Got myself a concushion.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4346
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A plastic surgeon walks into a bar, and now needs a nose job.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4347
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,871 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/FreyjaErlings/status/1361024462443978760


  • #4348
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,548 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I hate paying for air to pump my tyres....

    But i suppose thats the price of inflation ....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4349
    The YOPPA
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 177 ✭✭The YOPPA


    With all the latest gadgets and fads, I really think Exits are on the way out!!


  • #4350
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I called the Urology department and the Nurse asked me if I could hold!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4351
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,931 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I asked my psychiatrist about my inferiority complex. He said it just wasn't good enough.


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