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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #3962
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,304 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    The Israeli rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors are a little different to ours...

    Paper and scissors are fine, but If you use Rock, an IDF soldier shoots you and demolishes your home with your family inside.


  • #3963
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,318 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    *shamelessly borrowed*


    What did our parents do when they were bored, before the internet?


    I asked my 24 brothers and sisters, and they don't know either.


  • #3964
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Dude 1: Hey, bro?
    Dude 2: Yeah bro?
    Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
    Dude 2: Brochure.


  • #3965
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,309 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    How many Dutchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one, they call in a few more for the heavy ones.

    Yes, I said that with my own tulips.


  • #3966
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Her: What do you do?
    Me: I race cars.
    Her: Do you win many races?
    Me: No, the cars are much faster.


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  • #3967
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
    Whoever messed this up should be stabbed!


  • #3968
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,103 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just read a book about an immortal dog.

    It was impossible to put down.


  • #3969
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,103 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Nice to see that, through all this Coronavirus business, the British have kept the old Dunkirk spirit.

    Like leaving France PDQ.


  • #3970
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,304 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I could tell you a joke about Covid 19 but 99.7% of ye wouldn’t get it.


  • #3971
    GBX
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 12,140 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I didn’t think this back brace would help, but I stand corrected.


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  • #3972
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,318 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    Always wear spectacles when doing maths.


    It improves division.


  • #3973
    fryup
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    New Home wrote: »
    I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
    Whoever messed this up should be stabbed!

    :confused:


  • #3974
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_calendar
    Julian as in Julius Caesar, who was stabbed to death.


  • #3975
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,309 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    I found it to be a brutal joke.


  • #3976
    ohnonotgmail
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,103 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    M.T. Cranium wrote: »
    I found it to be a brutal joke.

    et tu?


  • #3977
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    M.T. Cranium wrote: »
    I found it to be a brutal joke.
    Backstabbing me, are you, MTC?


  • #3978
    jimgoose
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,209 ✭✭✭✭jimgoose


    ohnonotgmail wrote: »
    et tu?

    I did, they were small! :D


  • #3979
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,461 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    Genie: You have two wishes. What is your first wish?

    Dave: I’d like to be rich please

    Genie: Ok, done. What is your second wish?

    Rich: I’d like lots of money please.


  • #3980
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,318 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    jimgoose wrote: »
    I did, they were small! :D

    you Brute ! :eek:


  • #3981
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,468 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    ohnonotgmail wrote: »
    et tu?

    Quoth the raven...DOH!

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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  • #3982
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,318 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel... then on to a little seesaw... then jump through a hoop of fire.


    They've trained for that sort of thing.


  • #3983
    auspicious
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,547 ✭✭✭auspicious


    I recently did a joke at an alopecia convention.
    Fortunately, it didn't raise any eyebrows.


  • #3984
    auspicious
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,547 ✭✭✭auspicious


    In court I was found to be egotistical.
    I am appealing.


  • #3985
    auspicious
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,547 ✭✭✭auspicious


    Today my yoga instructor was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.


  • #3986
    auspicious
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,547 ✭✭✭auspicious


    At first I didn't believe my dad stole from his job as a lollipop man. Though all the signs were there.


  • #3987
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,103 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Virologist Marion Koopmans said "I'm holding my breath, the next two weeks will be crucial".

    I'm no doctor but I think the first few minutes will be crucial.


  • #3988
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,103 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Never marry a tennis pro.


    Love means nothing to them.


  • #3989
    patmac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,587 ✭✭✭patmac


    As I handed my father his 80th birthday card, he said with a tear in his eye........



    One would have been enough.


  • #3990
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I went on a positive thinking course. It was shi*.


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  • #3991
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 31,828 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    BREAKING NEWS.......Local Cinema has just been robbed!! Police are urging witnesses to come forward!
    Two Gunmen have just escaped with an estimated total of €1,500 in goods.
    It’s believed the men have made off with 4 hot dogs, 2 medium pepsi max’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of revels.


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