The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

ArnoldJRimmer

Sheridan81 wrote: »

I don't know why Trump and everyone else is so miffed that coronavirus spiralled out of control? What do you expect with Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend in charge?

fryup wrote: »

The WHO - World Health Organisation
The Who - Band


My girlfriend just dumped me because of my OCD

Every time she got turned on, I turned her off again

Ted_YNWA

Sheridan81 wrote: »

I don't know why Trump and everyone else is so miffed that coronavirus spiralled out of control? What do you expect with Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend in charge?

fryup wrote: »

They are in the band The Who.

ctrl-alt-delete

I signed up to a herb home delivery subscription service last year.
A letter came in the post today informing me that I have missed the last three payments.
This was the first I knew of it.
I rang them up looking for more thyme but they're sending the bay leafs.

auspicious

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

auspicious

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

auspicious

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!
..

auspicious

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

auspicious

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

byrner88

"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen to be the best"

Sony 16:9

byrner88

A Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate of The Olympic Stadium
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

An Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

Then an Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing."

STANDS
0_234

I thought I was dating a guy with a sleepy eye. Turns out he was seeing someone else the whole time.

New Home

Deleted User wrote: »

STANDS
0_234

I do, db, I do...

Ted_YNWA

Deleted User wrote: »

STANDS
0_234

New Home wrote: »

I do, db, I do...

Same here

A teacher asks little Johnny to come up with a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it.
Johnny: "I have ten buttons on my jacket but I can only fasten eight"

RobMc59

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks the chemist
"Nah then lad,does tha sell arse cream"?
Chemist replies
"Aye,magnum or cornetto "?

jimgoose

Bloke from Barnsley brings his cat to the vet...

"Nah then lad! Yon cat, 'e's a bit poorly, laahk."

"Oh ah? Is it a tom?"

"No, yer daft bugger! Ah browt i' wi' me!!"

dodzy

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that ****ing dog" !!

The Princess Bride

I was at a job interview earlier, when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, "bring my laptop back now."

I said, "€200 and it's yours."

I had a female acquaintance who wanted to change her gender. I knew it was just a phase she was going through. She was on holidays last week in Spain so I rang her up and asked her : "Are you at home?"...



PS I think I made that one up myself, but the brain do work in mysterious ways :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

Lidl will open 25 new stores this year creating 1,000 jobs.

This will include 7 new checkout operators.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Lidl will open 25 new stores this year creating 1,000 jobs.

This will include 7 new checkout operators.

Reminds me of the bank. When it's busy they have two or three people at the windows. When it's genuinely hectic, they have one.

dilallio

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!" he replied.

"What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."

"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

Hagar7

A Rangers* fan was driving down the M8 when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,"Willyam, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M8 please be careful!."

"Hell Aggie” says Willyam,"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Capt'n Midnight

Once upon a time a Glasgow tourist wandered into a backstreet antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Looking around the goods on display, his eye was caught by a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture was very detailed and lifelike, and it struck him as so unusual that he immediately asked the owner for a price.

The owner, a wizened, elderly Chinese man with a long white wispy beard, smiled and spoke:
'Twelve dollars for the rat, and a further thousand dollars for the amazing story behind it.'

'You can keep the story, pal' said the Glasgow man, 'But I'll take the sculpture off your hands.'

The owner sighed but agreed to the sale and the tourist left the shop with the rat under his arm. As he crossed the street in front of the store he saw two rats emerge from a gutter and follow along behind him. This seemed a bit odd in broad daylight but he wasn't overly concerned and kept walking. Before long, however, he began to sweat nervously as more and more rats appeared and fell into step at his back.

By the time he had walked two blocks he had at least a hundred rats at his heels. Traffic was stopping in the street and passers-by were pointing and calling out. He stepped up his speed, hoping to shake them off, but even more of the rodents emerged to swell the procession, scrambling out of drains, abandoned houses, vacant lots, and garbage dumps. He broke into a trot but he could not outdistance the rats, who now formed a tailback stretching as far as he could see, all squealing hideously. Down the hill ahead of him he could see the blue water glinting in the harbour and he decided to make a run for it. His sudden sprint left the leading rats behind for a moment but they quickly upped their speed and soon closed the gap.

He pounded onto a pier, a desperate inspiration having come to him. At the water's edge he climbed up a lamp-post, holding on with one hand while with the other he flung the rat-figure as far as he could into the waters of San Francisco Bay. Just as he had hoped, the rats followed the sculpture and in their thousands they seethed over the pier and plunged headlong into the sea, where they churned the waters to foam as each and every one drowned.

Shaking with relief, the Glasgow man made sure that the coast was clear then climbed down, making his way back to the antique shop. The owner betrayed no surprise to see him come in. 'So' he said, 'You have returned to hear the story I told you of.'

'Actually, no,' the tourist replied, 'But I was wondering . . . you wouldn't happen to have a sculpture of a Rangers supporter?'

Capt'n Midnight

I’ve just finished building a model of Mount Everest.

My mate asked “Is it to scale?”

“No” I replied, “It’s to look at”

Capt'n Midnight

They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry.

It’s been a week already and I'm just getting hungrier and hungrier.

Capt'n Midnight

In a recent poll, Jennifer Aniston’s character in Friends was voted the least popular.

No surprise really.

It’s just another case of Rachel prejudice.

Capt'n Midnight

What can think the unthinkable?

An itheberg