The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

joeguevara

The Israeli rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors are a little different to ours...

Paper and scissors are fine, but If you use Rock, an IDF soldier shoots you and demolishes your home with your family inside.

Deja Boo

*shamelessly borrowed*


What did our parents do when they were bored, before the internet?


I asked my 24 brothers and sisters, and they don't know either.

New Home

Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure.

M.T. Cranium

How many Dutchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, they call in a few more for the heavy ones.

Yes, I said that with my own tulips.

New Home

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.

New Home

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever messed this up should be stabbed!

Capt'n Midnight

Just read a book about an immortal dog.

It was impossible to put down.

Capt'n Midnight

Nice to see that, through all this Coronavirus business, the British have kept the old Dunkirk spirit.

Like leaving France PDQ.

joeguevara

I could tell you a joke about Covid 19 but 99.7% of ye wouldn’t get it.

GBX

I didn’t think this back brace would help, but I stand corrected.

Deja Boo

Always wear spectacles when doing maths.


It improves division.

fryup

New Home wrote: »

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever messed this up should be stabbed!

New Home

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_calendar
Julian as in Julius Caesar, who was stabbed to death.

M.T. Cranium

I found it to be a brutal joke.

ohnonotgmail

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

I found it to be a brutal joke.

et tu?

New Home

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

I found it to be a brutal joke.

Backstabbing me, are you, MTC?

jimgoose

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

et tu?

I did, they were small!

Bob Harris

Genie: You have two wishes. What is your first wish?

Dave: I’d like to be rich please

Genie: Ok, done. What is your second wish?

Rich: I’d like lots of money please.

Deja Boo

jimgoose wrote: »

I did, they were small!

you Brute ! :eek:

iamstop

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

et tu?

Quoth the raven...DOH!

Deja Boo

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel... then on to a little seesaw... then jump through a hoop of fire.


They've trained for that sort of thing.

auspicious

I recently did a joke at an alopecia convention.
Fortunately, it didn't raise any eyebrows.

auspicious

In court I was found to be egotistical.
I am appealing.

auspicious

Today my yoga instructor was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

auspicious

At first I didn't believe my dad stole from his job as a lollipop man. Though all the signs were there.

Capt'n Midnight

Virologist Marion Koopmans said "I'm holding my breath, the next two weeks will be crucial".

I'm no doctor but I think the first few minutes will be crucial.

Capt'n Midnight

Never marry a tennis pro.


Love means nothing to them.

patmac

As I handed my father his 80th birthday card, he said with a tear in his eye........



One would have been enough.

byrner88

I went on a positive thinking course. It was shi*.

BREAKING NEWS.......Local Cinema has just been robbed!! Police are urging witnesses to come forward!
Two Gunmen have just escaped with an estimated total of €1,500 in goods.
It’s believed the men have made off with 4 hot dogs, 2 medium pepsi max’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of revels.