The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

waynescales1

A friend of mine spilled all his Scrabble letters on the road earlier today. I caught up with him later on.

"Well Jim, what's the word on the street?"

RobMc59

Germany is now advising people to
stock up on cheese and sausages.
This is called the Wurst Kase scenario.

byrner88

My life's been a living hell ever since all my numbers came up on the Lotto.

Everywhere I go in town - every shop, pub, supermarket, I see them pointing and whispering:

"That's him - the idiot that lost his lottery ticket."

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own fúcking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The end

byrner88

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,

you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow

and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
...
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ..'

'Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!

byrner88

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today.

It was the first time I'd met her parents.

What a pair of miserable bastards.

coolhull

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?'
'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number ...,'

waynescales1

Someone stole my mood ring. Not sure how I feel about it.

RobMc59

My friend was telling me he failed
his exam in aboriginal music..
I said 'didja redo it?'

everlast75

My mum has been nagging me all morning if I have seen her Agatha Christie novel collection .

I think she’s lost her Marples...

its_steve116

A guy was reciting the alphabet from A to Z.
"A, B..."

He paused for about five minutes.
"...C!"
"Long time no C," I replied.

iamstop

Drills are boring
Eggs are cracking
Magnets are attractive
Snow is cool
Live wires are shocking
Poisonous snakes are deadly

waynescales1

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you won't get away with this, I'll find you!










You have my Word.

Capt'n Midnight

Do you excel at revenge ?

ArnoldJRimmer

It depends on your outlook I suppose

upupup

iamstop wrote: »

Drills are boring
Eggs are cracking
Magnets are attractive
Snow is cool
Live wires are shocking
Poisonous snakes are deadly

Owls are a hoot!
There's a city in france,its nice.

jaykay74

A man joins an order of Trappist monks. Trappists are only to speak when necessary. In this particular monastery the rule was that monks were only allowed to speak once every 10 years. The man was told this and was happy to enter into viitual silence.
10 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to him "It's been ten years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man says, "The porridge could do with a little more salt."
The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 10 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it's been another ten years. What is it that you wish to say?"
"The bed sheets are a bit thin" the man replies.
Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 10 years pass and the head monk sees the man and says "Another ten years have passed. Have you anything to say?"
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Deja Boo

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a forlorn cow ?



An animal that's in a Baaaaaa-d Mooooo-d.

.

iamstop

waynescales1 wrote: »

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you won't get away with this, I'll find you!

You have my Word.

I find Microsoft Office's theme tune to be a bit dull.


It's OneNote.

M.T. Cranium

waynescales1 wrote: »

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you won't get away with this, I'll find you!










You have my Word.

How's this going? I'm waiting patiently for updates.

tobsey

The Rock announced that he, his wife, and their 2 daughters have recovered from Covid. They first suspected they had it when no one could smell what he was cooking.

Capt'n Midnight

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

How's this going? I'm waiting patiently for updates.

You should have access to them soon.

jaykay74

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
A: The P is silent.

blade1

What is a pirate's favourite letter?





















P because he is irate without it!

Capt'n Midnight

blade1 wrote: »

What is a pirate's favourite letter?

It B D C

New Home

No, It's ARRRRRRR!

waynescales1

Girlfriend: "Y'know, sometimes you act like a detective, always sneaking around the place, asking lots of questions..."

Me: "My darling, I haven't the faintest idea what you mean."

Girlfriend: "That's it, I've had enough. I want to split up."

Me: "Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

1990sman

and to whomever stole my antidepressants..i hope ur happy now!

Capt'n Midnight

They say '50 is the new 30'.

I still got three points on my licence though

Capt'n Midnight

'When one door closes another opens'


Needless to say it didn't pass the NCT this time.