The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

I finally plucked up the courage to join Hypochondriacs Anonymous.

The hardest part was standing up in front of everyone and admitting I don't have a problem.

Capt'n Midnight

Wear glasses and a mask?

You may be entitled to condensation.

byrner88

Mick comes racing next door to Paddy's and says " quick Paddy come help me"

Paddy replies "whats wrong Micheal"

"Its Mary" replies Mick " she was practising doin the splits and she had no kncikers on and now she is stuck to the tiles on the kitchen floor"

"Jesus" says Paddy "what do you want me to do"

"Well the lady on the emergancy line says to carefully smash the tiles with a hammer" says Mick

"Ok"says Paddy "ill grab my hammer but you couldve done that yourself Micheal why do you need my help"

" i need you to help me slide her into the laundry cause the tiles are cheaper to replace there" says Mick

castletownman

A fella gets washed up on a desert island. For months his only company was a dog and a pig. Being isolated, every now and again he would get an "urge" and attempt to f*ck the pig, but every time he tried, the dog would bite him on the ankle.

Anyway, one day he couldn't believe his luck as a beautiful blonde woman got stranded on the island too. She had almost drowned trying to get ashore, but he swam out to rescue her and gave her the kiss of life. "Oh you saved my life" she says. "As a token of my appreciation, I will do ANYTHING you want me to do".

"Great" says your man, "can you bring that fecking dog for a walk".

Capt'n Midnight

My new girlfriend is a bit of a fox, she's not attractive or anything, she goes into town at night digging through bins for food.

Capt'n Midnight

"The Lottery is just a tax on stupid people."

Said my Dad as he paid €3.50 for the Sunday Independent.

joeguevara

My girlfriend left me because I'm a legend.

Or to quote her, 'Arrogant'.

One day a florist went into a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept any money from you today, as I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was extremely pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the following morning, there, outside his door, was a 'thank you' card together with a dozen roses waiting for him.

Later, a member of An Garda Siochana comes in for a haircut, and again, when he tries to pay his bill, the barber once again replied, 'I cannot accept any money from you, as I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at the door.

Now Micheál Martin came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber once again replied, 'I cannot accept any money from you, as I'm doing community service this week.' Micheál was very happy, as he did not have to claim this on expenses and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Fianna Fáil TDs, a dozen Fine Gael TDs and a few more from Green Party Ireland all lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the Citizens of Ireland and the politicians who run it.

GBX

My Chinese neighbours had waffles for breakfast ...



Bastards, I fúcking loved that cat!!!

coolhull

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"


The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

.anon.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit was too messy.

Pissed off passenger!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain...

M.T. Cranium

Thus began the latest Arkancide.

RobMc59

I've just heard they're making a blockbuster movie about a fire in a French car factory.
The lead actor is Burnt Renaults.

Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

coolhull

I went into Tesco this morning and picked up a can of fly spray.

I asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

And she replied, "No, it kills them."

byrner88

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Deja Boo

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you like weekends off, but we need you here.

Me - Sure, no problem. I'll be late though, as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss - What time will you get here?

Me - ...Monday.

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^^


I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester.

I couldn't do sundaes...

Capt'n Midnight

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter a supermarket.

It erases your memory.

I went in for bread and milk and came out with two cases of beer.

Capt'n Midnight

A new and easy test for COVID-19 doing the rounds.

Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there.

Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.

I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!

Capt'n Midnight

After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade coming towards me.

New Home

My friends went to the Giant's Causeway and all I got was a stick of rock.

Capt'n Midnight

Cheer up everyone.
You’re all nearer to being a millionaire than either Elon Musk or Bill Gates.

Capt'n Midnight

"What's the time?"

"It's a philosophical construct which Humankind has applied to the universe in order to explain the relationship between cause and effect."

RobMc59

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow,she's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house..
So I've bought her a magazine rack.

chewed

I was watching an Australian cookery show and the audience clapped when the chef made pavlova.

I was surprised, as Australians normally boo meringue.

byrner88

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her
breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the
tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new
boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the
bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."

jimgoose

I saw Paul Weller on a beautiful old Kawasaki Z1R with a nose fairing, drag bars and rearsets the other day.










It was Mod Max.

Deja Boo

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”