The Fathers Thread

blue note wrote: »

I'm guessing this thread is fairly dead? We found out we're expecting in March. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing!

Don’t worry you will be told, the key question is if you should do what you are told to do or not.

blue note wrote: »

We told her family on Sunday. All sisters. They've so much more knowledge than me! Which is obviously as you'd expect right now, I would assume women would be more clued in in general to what goes on in a pregnancy than me. But I better start googling so I'm not too surprised with every step of the way.

If you have friends and family around that help and advise it’s half the battle. One of the Consequences of societal changes over the last while is that people Don’t have the same support structures around them when they have kids. Grandparents can often be deceased because people have kids later in life, families can live big distances apart because of employment, and people tend to come from smaller families now than a generation or two before.

Knowing you have somebody that’s been through it all in recent times is invaluable on a lot of levels.

blue note wrote: »

I'm guessing this thread is fairly dead? We found out we're expecting in March. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing!

Congrats!!

Had our first two years ago, the wife is currently busy growing twins.

The thing i found is you will be suprised how quickly you adapt and it all becomes normal.

I found the What to expect in Prenancy app good the wife and I used to watch the video each week together.
right now you dont have much to do but closer to the time you will be busy getting (and assembling) the suprisingly large amount of equipment you need

lawrencesummers wrote: »

The best bit of advice to give an impending father is to get drunk, horribly drunk and regularly, because you don’t enjoy a night out for a long time once child arrives. You might go out, but knowing that the alarm clock can And will go off at 2am, 4am and 5:30am takes the enjoyment off any drinks your having on a night out.

Get drunk to the point of intervention if you like a drink because your better off doing without for a while once kid lands.

Ha, even though im in my 30'd the lads will still say - "ah your missus wont let you out", she will- its just im up at 6am the next morning dying and i cant do it.

It's hard to give much advice, because what's about to happen to you is not something you can really be prepared for. There is no amount of words that can give you adequate insight.

Think of it like a soldier about to embark on a six-month deployment to a desert overseas. You can read all the books, have all the equipment, even do a couple of weekend training camps. But you won't understand fully what it is that you've gotten into until you step into that foreign land on day 1.

I recommend placing no relationship expectations on your partner for the first 3-6 months. In many respects you will feel like two colleagues working on a gruelling project rather than romantic partners. Depending on a billion factors, the desire (or ability) for intimacy may return in six days, or may not come back for 6 months. Continue to reassert your love and support for her, let her know that she is beautiful - she will feel like she has been physically ruined while you will find her more attractive than you thought possible - don't put any pressure or expectation on her and your physical relationship will come back in its own time.

Try to balance the support role that you will play with an assertive one. That is, let her take the lead in terms of caring for the baby, but don't leave all of the decision-making to her. Her relationship with the child will be very different to yours. Her receptiveness to its needs far more sensitive than yours. If she says she's worried about some mark or some behaviour, then by all means look it up. But if she says she feels that it's serious or she wants a professional opinion, then trust her instincts. Don't try to discourage her or tell her she's overreacting. Assume that she is in possession of an insight into the child's health that you are not.

If she is breastfeeding, then take over everything else. Everything else, for at least the first 3 months. All the cooking, cleaning, hoovering, washing, shopping, whatever. There might be some jobs she insists on (like washing the baby's clothes), but there is no good reason you can't do everything else. She is not "sitting at home enjoying maternity leave" while you're at work. Breastfeeding is a gruelling 24/7 job for the first twelve weeks (though no picnic after), so make sure she has little to nothing else to do.

If you're bottlefeeding, then it's much easier to split the work, but be wary of fallng into the trap of letting her do all the feeding while also doing half of the housework.

Whether you're bottle or breastfeeding, arrange it so that one of you is getting a full night's sleep one way or another. If she's breastfeeding, this is easy; the person who gets all the sleep is you. And that's OK because you're doing all the other work anyway. If she's bottlefeeding, do a week on and a week off. One person is the designated night watchman. If you both get up during the night, you'll both be wrecked. We made this mistake on our first and spent 3 months in a daze.

I make it sound miserable, but ultimately once you get your own routine in place, you won't even remember what it was like before. Try to be relaxed about it and not put pressure on yourself to be anywhere or do anything or please other people. If you spend an entire week doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching TV and looking after your baby, who cares? Enjoy the time. As they say, the days are long but the years are short. Before you know it they'll be heading off to school, will go "ugh" when you try to hug them and will tell you they hate you. And you'd love another chance to go back and sit in a chair at 2am cuddling a sleeping baby.

Also, given the covid situation, don't be afraid to push back on visitors. Even grandparents. It's your home and your baby. If you don't want anyone in your home or don't want anyone to hold your baby, that is entirely your right. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Ah that's not true. When I go on a night out Mrs deals with kids and when she goes I do it. We rarely go out together though.

I presume the same hacker who took over a load of twitter accounts posted that.

Reviving a pretty old thread but anyway, are father's entitled to paid leave to attend antenatal appointments? We've just found out we're expecting twins so there'll be more clinic and scan appointments than normal.