The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

One of my mates is a pilot for Aer Lingus but because of this lockdown he's off work, so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating and he jumped at the chance....

I’ve gotta say, he made a lovely job of the landing!

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, MY WIFE Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your email!"

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it, “snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathised the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fuc*ing putt, didn’t you?”

I asked a friend who works in fruit picking. He confirmed that you don’t any particular sad kills or training. You just pick it up as you go along.

Just ordered my new read... a book that explains the logic of men.









It's a comic book.

I was talking to a 5G installation engineer today, and was told that people are constantly accusing them, with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches or killing their sperm. It seems that they are completely crazy.
4G must have fried their brains.

New Home wrote: »

I've read it! I thought it was more science fiction, though.

pure fantasy