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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #3572
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Prince Charles has had his latest test results back.
    He's still not Harry's dad.


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    #3573
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I saw Paul from the Chucklebrothers in Aldi earlier

    I said "Oi, Two metre you"


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    #3574
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    General Motors have been ordered to stop making cars and start making ventilators. How the hell are you supposed to get around in a ventilator?


  • Options
    #3575
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I phoned a Chinese restaurant and the man said "Hello I'm Wan King the chef"

    I said " No worries ill call back later"


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    #3576
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm.


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    #3577
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."

    Wife.. "Just let me in."


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    #3578
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My friend's a really stubborn hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her...

    She just won’t techno for an answer!


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    #3579
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ME: Dial 999. Police, please
    POLICE: Police
    ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.
    POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.
    ME: But they are standing less than 1 metre apart !
    POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.


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    #3580
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    One of the main symptoms of Covid-19 is a loss of taste.

    My wife rang the emergency number when I started laughing at Mrs. Brown's Boys.


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    #3581
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.

    "That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a ****ing nutcase."


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    #3582
    enfield
    Registered Users Posts: 1,109 ✭✭✭enfield


    Nine hundred and eighty three trillion, six hundred and fourteen billion, seven hundred and forty seven million, eight hundred and eighty four thousand, five hundred and seventy six green bottles...hanging on the wall......


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    #3583
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,905 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I’ve just been to Tesco’s and seen a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros and I thought to myself..........

    Hispanic buying


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    #3584
    BENDYBINN
    Registered Users Posts: 1,824 ✭✭✭BENDYBINN


    What do you call a bee from America?





    A USB


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    #3585
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,496 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Saw a lad I knew driving a tow truck down the road. He Looked very agitatedl.
    I thought to myself “ that lad’s heading for a breakdown”.


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    #3586
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    Who would have thought that leaving things on people's doorsteps, ringing the doorbell, and running away would prove to be so useful in adult life?


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    #3587
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,223 ✭✭✭✭biko


    Women are responsible for 43% of traffic accidents.

    Which is very high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side of the car.


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    #3588
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The Good News: I won the lottery!

    The Bad News: Since no one could buy tickets, it's only €12.


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    #3589
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    5 sleeps till putting the bins out


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    #3590
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.


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    #3591
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    patmac wrote: »
    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

    Is that for the 23rd of December? :p Fair play! :D

    EDIT: Sorry, I thought this was the Christmas forum... :p


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    #3592
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    patmac wrote: »
    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.
    Coming on a wing and a prayer ! !:)


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    #3593
    ohnonotgmail
    Registered Users Posts: 40,156 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    patmac wrote: »
    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

    i got a delivery slot for 8.23, which seems an oddly specific time. Oh wait, 2023.


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    #3594
    kildare lad
    Registered Users Posts: 2,010 ✭✭✭kildare lad


    What did the buffalo say to his child when he was going off to school

    Bison


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    #3595
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    For my next trick I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

    Drum roll please.


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    #3596
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,734 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What if mobile phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?


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    #3597
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Quarantine day 7..

    Drinking at home compared to the pub isn't working out..

    I almost asked my wife for her phone number.


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    #3598
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My mate who has a bad stutter has died in prison.

    He never got the chance to finish his sentence.


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    #3599
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Elton John's party trick is to name all of the english counties in alphabetical order.
    Surrey seems to be the hardest word.


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    #3600
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users Posts: 13,440 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?


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    #3601
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    Deja Boo wrote: »
    Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?
    I sent Hamish but he is inclined to be Amiss-ish.


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