The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Prince Charles has had his latest test results back.
He's still not Harry's dad.

Capt'n Midnight

I saw Paul from the Chucklebrothers in Aldi earlier

I said "Oi, Two metre you"

el_gaucho

General Motors have been ordered to stop making cars and start making ventilators. How the hell are you supposed to get around in a ventilator?

byrner88

I phoned a Chinese restaurant and the man said "Hello I'm Wan King the chef"

I said " No worries ill call back later"

Capt'n Midnight

Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm.

Capt'n Midnight

I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."

Wife.. "Just let me in."

Capt'n Midnight

My friend's a really stubborn hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her...

She just won’t techno for an answer!

Capt'n Midnight

ME: Dial 999. Police, please
POLICE: Police
ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.
POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.
ME: But they are standing less than 1 metre apart !
POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

Capt'n Midnight

One of the main symptoms of Covid-19 is a loss of taste.

My wife rang the emergency number when I started laughing at Mrs. Brown's Boys.

byrner88

As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.

"That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a ****ing nutcase."

enfield

Nine hundred and eighty three trillion, six hundred and fourteen billion, seven hundred and forty seven million, eight hundred and eighty four thousand, five hundred and seventy six green bottles...hanging on the wall......

GBX

I’ve just been to Tesco’s and seen a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros and I thought to myself..........

Hispanic buying

BENDYBINN

What do you call a bee from America?





A USB

tayto lover

Saw a lad I knew driving a tow truck down the road. He Looked very agitatedl.
I thought to myself “ that lad’s heading for a breakdown”.

patmac

Who would have thought that leaving things on people's doorsteps, ringing the doorbell, and running away would prove to be so useful in adult life?

biko

Women are responsible for 43% of traffic accidents.

Which is very high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side of the car.

Capt'n Midnight

The Good News: I won the lottery!

The Bad News: Since no one could buy tickets, it's only €12.

Capt'n Midnight

5 sleeps till putting the bins out

patmac

I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

New Home

patmac wrote: »

I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

Is that for the 23rd of December? Fair play!

EDIT: Sorry, I thought this was the Christmas forum...

blinding

patmac wrote: »

I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

Coming on a wing and a prayer ! !:)

ohnonotgmail

patmac wrote: »

I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

i got a delivery slot for 8.23, which seems an oddly specific time. Oh wait, 2023.

kildare lad

What did the buffalo say to his child when he was going off to school

Bison

TheChevron

For my next trick I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll please.

Capt'n Midnight

What if mobile phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?

RobMc59

Quarantine day 7..

Drinking at home compared to the pub isn't working out..

I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

byrner88

My mate who has a bad stutter has died in prison.

He never got the chance to finish his sentence.

The Princess Bride

Elton John's party trick is to name all of the english counties in alphabetical order.
Surrey seems to be the hardest word.

Deja Boo

Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?

blinding

Deja Boo wrote: »

Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?

I sent Hamish but he is inclined to be Amiss-ish.